Treasure!

Print PDF

"treasure"

Treasure! 
How do people make it interesting? 
(don't say "make it hard to get" .What are you? My dad?)
 Does it even need to be that interesting ? (right now, however , I can't even make myself write 200 gold pieces plus assorted gems without my hand rebelling and drawing a flying skull ship instead)
It often turns into semi-abstract units of advancement, like the transformers and their energon cubes..

"..and here is your share of the exp loyal henchman"

because it is pretty much a semi-abstract unit of advancement.
Like you can write a tidy little description of say," a pearl and serpentine necklace with the pearls carved to illustrate hubris and the serpentine carved to illustrate a humbling" but like if the p.cs are going to need a couple of 1000 of them to make it to the next level, then very quickly it's just so much box text.

Anyway my point is it's one of those things that is there because of how it is entwined with the flow of play more than how it is part of the setting/world building/simulation/whatever.

(I prefer personally to not do the 1 gold piece 1 exp thing. Like I have 5 categorys of thing (conquest, cunning, diplomacy, exploring, riches) and you get either 10/20/50/100/200  per level for whatever categorys depending on if there was abit/kinda/yes/heaps/hella amounts of that thing in game.
And each character chooses a category that they focus on , they get double in that category, and can change it once per level. Still tinkering with the numbers.

Also it sometimes gets brought up that 1 gold piece = 1 exp is way of exactly defining the amount of achievement and that it is too much work to try and decide what is worth 500 exp without such a formula. I don't really understand this at all, like sure, it is harder but its still not actually hard to make up some fucking numbers. Also say the players steal an antique ebony writing desk to convert into energon cubes sell for gold. How much gold is it worth? OMG YOU HAVE TO MAKE UP A FUCKING NUMBER CRAZY

And that other thing that gets said and I struggle to not be rude about because why am I even being rude about a fucking game mechanic anyway, is that if you make exp mainly from fights then p.cs have to go around fighting stuff all the time and that makes the flow of the game wack. Which is true, but the goldpiece standard also makes the game go to some pretty wack( or colossally entertaining depending on tastes) door knob stealing places.

)
ANY WAY TREASURE WHAT IS IT?
You have a thing for the p.cs to want to get, and a way to reward them when they get it and they get enough of the reward and they can do new things hooray.

Anyway I was thinking about other things that could do this, as a thought experiment more than anything else.

Junk:  miscellaneous scrap metals and debris, to be utilized by the scavenger community you are part of when you successfully come home with it . Junk can be found lying around and stashed in ruined and buried military bunkers  (teeming with mutants, killbots, cyborgs and bioweapons, who of course, yield "treasure" when killed) and if you felt like being fancy could be broken down into categories such as "researchables", "metals/basic materials" , "fuels" , "rare components", "semi-operational parts".

A nice mechanic would be that once certain amounts of a material were retrieved  to the community things would change. Get enough basic materials and better housing happens. Enough "researchables" make it back and someone has better weapons they can make for you.
The role played by magic items could instead be played by actually blood dripping hunks of cyborg monster that you bring home to have installed into you.
 And if you as g.m did not want to have such a direct sudden mechanic improvement, then treat the trophy as "treasure" ie it generates exp, but can still shape the characters mechanical improvement more directly than "I have 10, 000 gold pieces, what can I buy?"  (and without resorting to magic item shops which clunk.

IF the characters were some kind of horrible cyborg bioweapon , new abilitys and classes  could be unlocked by the increasing development of the scavenger community. Like "oh we have enough fuel that we can install a jet pack in you/ or you can start purchasing levels in a living gun/fusilier class now" etc.



Suffering:

The p.cs are physics, obscure ghosts, or miscellaneous freak shows. They are on this earth to eat psychic trauma residue, which congeals in the secret places of the dark underbelly of the earth. Often Horrors, murderous angels , and reality chewing worms lurk there  and are, more often than not,  the cause of the  trauma. The suffering/treasure could have some physical form or could require the p.cs to deduce what has happen there in order to digest it (or filing reports??) and thus cleanse the environment.
So the more accurate your report / understanding of the event, the more exp you are getting.
In a way this could be "evidence" as "treasure"

Secrets:
Might overlap with the above. There is secrets. The more you learn the more you are. Either like the Planetary or like the characters as barely real dream spirits , growing in actualness and power. Similar game flow as suffering, but more investigatory/exploring.
At the end of the session , the players relate to the d.m what they have unravelled (and can prove?) and get exp based on how much they have got right.

character selection screen?

Souls: The world is dead, everyone is dead, but various souls are left trapped in the husk of the world. You have to find them, liberate them from their horders and take them back to the void where they can disperse freely.

Glory:

like you get exp when you are back in the drinking hall and have a great story to tell. And something to prove it. So severed heads are always good, but also, say, the beard of the red lake king, cut from him while he was sleeping, or the golden cattle of the honey lands, or a flower from the
garden of death. Basically treasure is anything you can impress everyone with by showing it off back in the long house.
What would be really good here is if the end of session exp tally had some kind of specific boosting/bragging minigame.

Food:
Mike's blog http://terruizeng.blogspot.co.nz/ seems to be in status mode at the moment , which is a shame for it does wonders with the idea that treasure is food you bring back to your tribe to increase your mana (not as in magic, but a word meaning social standing, personal power and responsibility ), ie your exp.

Also shout out to Zachs "dungeon Chernobyl" involving treasure as weird tech, anomalies , and dangerous artifacts of science 

Search Replace Dungeon A Go Go

Print PDF

This is fun

And in the interests of keeping stuff happening here I have done one.

Let's call it:

THE HALLS OF THE BONE WEAVERS

The sound of the huge rat wheel power organ grinder is audible throughout if PCs enter through the north entrance. The ceilings are 9 feet high.

Check for wandering monsters every 3 game minutes or whenever PCs make a lot of noise, roll d10:

1-2 d6 carrion frogs

3-4 d4 coniving eel s (with keys to green locks)

5 1 Giant Collecting silverfish looking to kill PCs and steal their teeth

6-10 Nothing

___________

1 Stairs to surface/next level 

2  giggling moth-It is a foot tall & eerily beautiful. It is harmless. If unmolested, it will continue to roam the halls.

3 Fragments of a dazzling squid ink mosaic, very damaged, are here--a landscape with only a pair of white legs ending in hooves are visible so far.

Pieces of the mosaic can be found throughout the dungeon, and will fuse to the wall if placed on the mosaic.

The true form of the mosaic is of Mort the MOrose of the The Bone Weavers on a horse--and assembling it will create a work of art worth PC level x 1000gp, however it is possible to construct false forms by accident or design.

Existing mosaic+ humanoid upper body upper body = a demon. The Hag in 76 will begin calling anyone present to it. Save vs spell.

Existing mosaic+missing front horse legs+human upper body = centaur. Each round, violent madness will be inflicted on whichever party member rolls the lowest on a d20 until they leave the room.

Missing pieces are in rooms 19, 87, 50

4 This tallow ape is intelligent & can speak but does not show it because it fears flaying It seeks the silver tongue in room 21

5 Dead coniving eel

6 Monster in 7 can be heard from here

7 tyrannosaurus hexIt is too large to leave the room. Drinks from well

8 Three coniving eel s looking for princess of the earth bound elevator

9 Echoing corridor

10 Statue oft the solitary man of tar-vandalized. d6 dead conniving eel s with a war cricket here dead in the center of the triangle, apparently dragged from 25. The triangle will slowly devour them over the course of an hour, at which point the statue will come to life and seek out the Bubbling Hag in room 75. 

11 chronomanta inside a  giant rat wheel, which powers an organ grinder

12 Nonfunctional Organ Grinder powered by giant rat wheel

13 -Junk everywhere, vial of rare spices

14 As soon as the PCs enter this room the  2 second delay on speech will activate.

A wizard will recognize the effect as a product of a special curse that can be removed on the request of a specific livingmaster (the brain coral infested umberhulk )

15 Kitchen. Pots, pans, the usual. There is a brick oven & a  small pantry closet. A halfling could fit in it.

16 This room is full of the most mundane of maps that the

Brain Coral infested UmberHulk has collected.

The columns here look weak and can be destroyed with 30 pts of damage. The ceiling will cave in.

17 2 identical statues. One made of bone , the other made of squid ink , congealed.

18 There is a zither here worth 2500gp. Playing it for the first time will cause monster in room 7 to break out and crash through the rooms, collapsing the ceilings until it gets to the player.

19 Library. Full of tattooed and flayed hides

gnoll upper body mosaic pieces from the mosaic in room 3

20 Hall. 11 small portrait paintings. One of each of glass cat's sisters. They

are worth d20 x 100gp to collectors with unusual tastes

21 Paladin of the solitary man of tar fighting coniving eel wizard in desperate battle

 silver tongue. Worth 600gp.

22 Empty cells.

23 Old dining room. Three paintings here: each eight feet wide, worth 2000 gp each. 

24 WC

25 Dying Priest of the solitary man of tar, just finished pulling foes to room 10

war cricket

Brain Coral infest Umber hulk. It is hiding under the floor and monitoring the P.Cs through a stupid looking dog that it also has infected

26  bile man is here--it does not speak & obeys the brain coral infested umberhulk. bile man has (as always) hidden a key to room 67 in obsedian fountain

27 There is a cursed bird mask. Any creature inspecting it will be afflicted by a desire to scouredfor 1d4 rounds. 

28 Channel of mercury from south ends in a pool here

29 Channel down center of hallway filled with mercury a lily is floating in it

30 Empty

31-Secret door activated by mechanism in room 85

32-Secret door activated by mechanism in room 85

33 Pool of mercury

34 Dead gnoll carrying diary, contains biographical details of Void Witch including her birthday

35  azure crystal formation. Anything azure that touches it will begin to vibrate unnaturally--the object will then reflect magic for one hour and then explode.

36 Walking into this room lowers steel bars where the green O's are and releases monster in 37.

37 fist faced crawling orge in cage.

38 Void Witches bedroom. If Void Witchis not in this room the (ordinary) doors will be locked.  Secret door: behind a lantern--a thin crack will be visible. Room contains a make-up table (no mirror, of course), a canopy bed hung with velvet, (d12 x 100) gp worth of other

trinkets. The bed, painting, Void Witch's wardrobe, & the table are each worth (d12 x 100) gp. There is a vase with a explosive spored box trap under the bed containing 600 gp & locket with a small painting of the Void witch

39  Switch raises and lowers bars in rms 36-38

40 A Child's bedroom. Belongs to Void Witches's daughter. Her remaining toys ( long black stuffed things ) are here.

41 acid web activated by door

42  Stone walls carved into the shape of vampire squid

43 fusiler ant

44 un aging child in cage. Sibling of Void Witch Gone mad long ago. She may aid the PCs if they convince her they can help her escape the dungeon. She hatesVoid Witch& will make any deal to be reunited with her, but again, will turn on anyone aware of her existence immediately afterward.

45 Anything made of ash placed on the altar will be transformed into squid ink.

Any plasma in the circle or crossing it will be transformed into antimatter

46 Texts sacred to religion of the solitary man of tar

47 Puzzle room: wastrel , cook and assassin are sacred to this religion. A magic mask asks 3 questions only members of those professions, respectively, would know. Wrong answers = Power word: implode and it emits a wet hissing

48 Statue of a creature of plasma . An Archpriest of the solitary man of taris here. (PC level x 1000 gp worth of gold flake on statue.)

49 Murals depicting Mort the Morose and betrayal by Bert the Angry

50 Tombs. d6 Priests of the solitary man of tar

Fragment of mosaic in room 3 showing horse head and humanoid lower body in a saddle.

51 Tombs. Vial: Substance repels echinoderms

52 Tomb of  Mort the Morose

53 Mouldering skeleton of hero's traitorous ally Bert the Angry , cloak of the bat

54 d6 fusiler ant guarding sacrifice chamber. They have keys to the cage in room 55. 

55 acid web

Apparently a dove headed lamb in a cage. Is actually a rakshasa. It is looking for the tallow ape because it betrayed her.

56 Prayer room, distinctive to solitary man of tar

57 Prayer room, distinctive to solitary man of tar

58 2 dead fusiler ant

59 2 dead fusiler ant --one muttering "The gnoll , the gnoll " shattered manacles on the floor.

60 2 fusiler ant  guarding the entrance to room 61

61  key of undoing being examined by 3 fusiler ant

Room is full of ghost eggs

62 Giant Collecting Silverfish. A pile of its eggs obscure the door to the north. Two tattooed and flayed hides containing membership list of cult are hidden under the pile.

63 Full of teeth collected by a giant collecting silverfish 

64 Well, rusty water.

Dead adventurers. Burned spellbook. Partially accurate formula for shocking grasp remains. Failed int check indicates drain lightning

65 Door to north opens easily, door to east seems old and stuck.

66 otyugh room.  bile man throws organic waste into this room.. The otyugh covers the entire room, including the wall, obscuring the locked, unpickable secret door there. 

67 -Myconid Monk. It knows all about the brain coral infested umberhulk, which is why the brain coral infested umberhulk has had the

Bile-man wall it up in a secret chamber. Brain coral infested umberhulk keeps it alive because of its spores

68 Murals, int check to read, glyphs and pictograms seem to refer to squid ink and antimatter

69- Empty or stairs to surface/next level

70 Quiet room.

71 Prison Contains d10+10 victims of Void Witch. A variety of sentient species 

are represented as well as a few celebrated & high-level missing persons.

72 Door is large, impressive and locked. Picking is at half chance.

73 Throne room of King/Queen of The Bone Weavers . Long dead Bone Weavers

74  tusks guarded by chewing pillar 

75 Bubbling Hag It has been trapped here by a mystic seal on the secret door by the brain coral infested umberhulk and seeks revenge.

76 Clearly a room once built by the The Bone Weavers culture.

77 Contains various instruments of dreamerless dreams

78 Disused dreamerless dreams room. Void Witch was having experiments conducted until capture of princess of the earth bound elevator made them unnecessary.

gnoll assassin seeking princess of the earth bound elevator

79 Disused dreamerless dreams room d4 carrion frogs

80 Disused dreamerless dreams room Blood, remains of carrion frogs

81 d8 carrion frogs

82 Statue of the solitary man of tar

83 d10 fusiler ants plus carrion frogs

84 Void Witch 1d4 Ruinous Druids, chandelier of icy knives, experimenting with antimatter. Huge dead dove headed lamb conceals secret door. 

85 Cage containing mechanical model of universe, rotating planets into proper position for the day opens secret door in room 31, rotating them onto Void Witch's birthday opens secret door in room 32

86  Pool of mercury

87 princess of the earth bound elevator just escaped, hiding from the assassin in room 78.

-missing front horse legs from mosaic in room 3

88 Walls carved with scenes dedicated to the solitary man of tar depicting members of the following professions: wastrel  cook, assassin -all kneeling

Careful inspection reveals that carving is not wholly original and the figures have been repurposed. There is a great glutton where the secret door to 73-76 is.

Void Witches are witches that worship spirits of the spaces between realitys, horrible clouds of uncollapsed possibilities.

Ruinous Druids are druids that want to kill everything to provide one huge compost for a fungal god mind.

Fist faced Crawling orges are orges with no legs that knuckle drag themselves around and try and grab and crush you with their head hand. They can also flick hard enough to squish organs.

The Boneweavers made everything they thought important out of bone, were obsessed with teeth , and elephant tusks most of all.

A chewing Pillar is like those things that clean your car in a carwash but with teeth and skin removal

A carrion frog is like a desiccated looking frog thing with something of a vulture about its appearance. They eat carrion and almost carrion. Weirdly enough they sing like nightingales. Not so weirdly they smell like someone threw up the same vomit a week later.

Fusilier ants are bipedal ant-people with cannon butts , like a bombardier beetle

Brain Coral is a type of fungus (despite its name) that looks like brainy growth s and makes things smarter but crazy.

Bile-Man is a mutant covered with vile sacks of acidic goo. Like a hunchback but worse.

the solitary man of tar is similar to the black lodge from twin peaks. In that is sinister yet completely obtuse

Incholate noise, take 2

Print PDF Imma in Wellington and making stuff , but felt like attempting to do a blog post. On this I pad thing that a friend owns. I am bamboozled by its "user friendly ness". I feel like a freaking ape tapping at the screen like this. Baaaaah. Anyway I am reading about ww2 and procastinating drawing a map of sigil and now I am thinking about what the hell I should post.


EDIT IT WENT WRONG AND NOW I AM USING A PROPER COMPUTER NOT ONE OF THOSE IPAD THINGS BAH

Coz I have been making extensive notes while couch hopping here in the capital. Big sprawling notes and lists and sundry. Things that I no doubt will go back and prune down to something more managable.
Not sure what I should post now that is interesting in stand alone fashion.

One of the tables has 6 different kinds of goats. And it's a sub table of a sub table of a sub table that started from thinking about skills.
Like having three or four options, the quickest one you don't bother with skills until you are trying to do something and it's something that would require training, and you go "oh yup I would know that" and that is one of skill choices. Which is how neoclassical geek revival does it.

The more time consuming option is you pick your skills in character generation with much care and blah blah.

The middle ground is you roll on this table and that gives your background profession and what skills you would know. Also can give you more or less equipment options. Hence the goats.

The cool thing about doing this is having  different percentile columns so that if you  an outsider you have far more chance of being a buffoon, beggar, or vagabond.
The other percentile colomns are for members of the hegemony, not trusted , and tolerated groups.

I found it hard thinking up higher class professions than the fringe elements. This makes sense I guess because they are dirty parasites and don't actually do anything.

It's also a fun piece of campaign building because you will get bored instantly by writing things like farmer or baker and then try and think of bizarre professions that will exist instead. Or you could do what Jez did and just come up with a totally sweet list of profession names and leave it up to the p.cs to decide what exactly a moon-slicker did.

So that's a thing anyway. But I want to solidify it more before I put anything up here.

The other thing i have been thinking about is dungeons and if I am suited to running them and if not, what is a good alternative.

The problem I have is pacing. Dungeons pacing is unpredictable, and this how it should be. They are not narratives, they are unknown environments, and the temperament of which is highly dependent on your current resources, luck, and planning.

THIS IS WHERE IT GOT EATEN BY MYSTERY

basically I don't have the patience  or the game drags on , and  I vague out , and find myself not switched on when I really should be and I feel bad for the players because now that they are where the danger/treasure is and I'm not giving it as much as I should.


So my idea for my own game prep:

BAIT:
 I write down a list of shiney things that might attract p.cs

ESCALATION:
I write down some of  the things that would make the situation explode

FALLOUT:
I write down some of consequences of these shenanigans

ANd also what happens if the p.cs do not interact with this at all.

EXAMPLE:
Bait:
Bandit bounty

Escalation:
<bandit tactics>
<bandit traps and scouts>
<other creatures in the woods and chance of being attracted to the fighting or bodies>



Fall Out:
Surviving bandits , where would they go for reinforcements? If anywhere? Is anyone sponsoring them? DOes their removal create the option for more bandits? More travellers? Will the p.cs get a sweeter job offer?

In the event of Apathy:
chance of interrupted supplies, bandits might strengthen position ,other mercenaries move into area to collect bounty.

Wait those monsters are awesome

Print PDF so someone on tumblr wrote this
"
its 2016 and the d&d franchise has finally run out of new monsters. the creative team looks dejected.
“moss… hog?” says one tremulously. the others perk up.
“crime bird?” says another. there are audible gasps.
“sludge dragon!” another shouts. “lawful good ameobas who only eat copper statues!”
“filthy halfling! like a hobbit but covered in shit and trash.”
“sexy lady made entirely of shields. neutral evil. shield maiden.”
“dinosaur witches” “we’ve done that” “yeah but these ones are called Tyrannosaurus Hexers”
“piss pixies!”
“b… bloblins.”
the gang orders a pizza as jubilation reigns. d&d is back.

"

And it was a merry jibe against the perceived absurditys of game writers.

Which is all well and good EXCEPT IT'S NOT because those monsters are awesome. And damn it better material happens when game writers care not for absurdity*.
And most often they do care so much so, and lo they stick to the accepted fantasy classics because fuck forgive someone has anything unusual in there fantasy setting.
Also it strikes me that people are not aware of how toweringly absurd every day life is.
Like say eggs. Eggs are boring, the word egg is used to mean a loser here in choice-bro island, eggs are incorporated in wide variety of meals what ever eggs eggs eggs.
But imagine you have reached said age that you are now with never seeing an egg or its like. Now put before this hypothetical egg-naive  you (or heny for short). What the fuck is this thing? Think about its smell , it's texture, the unusual hardness and brittleness of its outer coating, the weird viscosity of it, the transparency of the egg white , the unnatural suspension of the yolk in this uncanny medium etc. Now image "heny" asks where to these things come from? And Heny is shown these horrible dinosaur looking things more or less shitting them out of their all purpose vent , both sex organ and waste vector. And the fact that the chicken extrude these things in order to grow more chickens and even if it has no had sex, it will pop out a couple of these things each day anyway. And all this is presented to Heny as the most mundane banal of things.
Piss Pixies are nothing compared to this.


*There is possible an exception to this , but right now all the monster I think are dumb , are dumb because they are boring.

Anyway I drew pictures of the monsters and blathered on about what they are:

Moss Hog

 These are lumbering detrivores that spew forth a powerful digestive enzyme allowing them to slurp up most anything. A astonishing variety of molds, fungus, moss, and lichens sprout all over their weird humped bodies. These are symbiotic , drawing out and feeding on the wide variety of toxins, contaminates and general weirdness present in the mosshogs diet, and can be a potential concentration of the magical or chemical properties in what ever the moss hog feeds on.

Blobbin

 It's like someone dipped up goblin in molten wax and it just made it worse. Not made out of wax, made out of flesh of disturbing viscosity. Attacks by throwing chucks of its self at you until there is enough of it on you to move your arm into stabbing you or you companions. Feed by slurping flesh straight of the bone.

Crime Bird on confused washing line

Crime Birds !

 The Crime bird.  Its beak is prized as a lock pick, it picks pockets, pillages houses and roosts on stolen jewellery, trading up whenever it can, the lesser stuff stashed in obscure nooks. Why is it not long dead? For one , it voids itself on its stolen goods, imparting a stink near impossible to remove, and secondly its beak, originally evolved to pluck deep borrowing rock worms, will take a eye out faster than you would believe. Lastly and most importantly ; it is a complete and utter cunning shit of a bird.

 The copper eating lawful good blob now named  Boolooboo boobooloo

 I started with a blob and started scribbling on it until art happened.  It eats copper because they think they are from a future where advanced technology ruined everything, and so they attempt to destroy all copper to prevent electronics from happening. They are not actually, they are deluded wizard experiments. They have 3 personalitys, one is the pessimist, one the optimist and one the arbiter. They attack with cold waves and static fields. They are nice enough , but sticklers for proper protocol and minimizing risk.

Trash Halflings

 So when a colossal sky whale devours an entire city it takes awhile for the huge masses of rumble and carnage to be broken down. If you are small and good at staying out of the way, you can survive a surprisingly long time. The trash halflings are descendents of halflings who managed to do just that. By constantly cladding themselves in materials resistant to the acids of the whale they manage to survive with only a small amount of insanity ,mutations and partial melding with the trash.
They can be encountered outside the stomach of a colossal sky whale , living in the Sky Whale equivalent of "Owl pellets".  These are 6 story high spheres of tightly compressed stone and metal, that are never the less riddled with tunnels, and of course the Trash Halflings. Each Scat (as is their term for a particular tribe) varies greatly in temperament,  some being zealous cannibals , seeing their expelling from the Sky Whale as a fall from Eden. Other regard it as blessing. All scat seem to have an hard time not seeing the world around them as alien however and all seek more debris to adorn themselves with.

Piss Pixie

 While certainly small, 4 limbed and mostly bipedal , the piss pixie seems named more as a horrible joke than any other resemblance to its name sake. They are appear to have something of a languid intelligence, but little drive other than sucking up sweet, vinegary or alcoholic dregs, and often fond sleeping instead a vessel used for this purpose, their form extremely rubbery and flexible.
 If menaced they defend themselves by squirting forth a horrible smelling stinging yellow fluid into the eyes of the attacker, and then slither off to hide in some  unplausible gap or nook. They lack a jaw and their face resembles a prolasped anus partially dried in the sun.
There is a uncommon poison, that is odorless and tasteless,  and makes the blood of the drinker smell overwhelming attractive to the piss pixie. They will be able to smell the victim from leagues away and wait to the victim is asleep where they will latch on with their horrible snouts and suck the blood right through the skin, like a hickey of the damned. They will not stop until the victim is bleed dry.

Shield Maiden

 Okay there was possible a good way of drawing a lady made from shields but I could not be assed and just drew one great big shield with dire contraptions extended out from it in all directions. I then after scanning decided the red and blue "action is happening" lines looked wack and inverted the whole thing because I'm really fond of that blue.
Shield Maidens are the "job" you are demoted to if you fuck up one too many times as a member of particular order of Knights Templar.
Your soul is trapped in a giant shield , appearing to live on as picture engraved on the shield and will animate the shield and its attached killing blades.
Shield Maidens are used for Sentinels, Body guards, and general "death trap training scenarios" for new recruits.
Despite the order being Lawful Good, Shield Maidens become Neutral Evil quite rapidly as they began hate the shit out of everything. This means that while they are bond to very letter of their orders, they use any leeway in sloppily worded orders to get revenge.
So Shield Maidens that are needed for more complicated missions such as body guarding or dealing with the general public , are those that are freshly minted.
The older and more bitter Shield Maidens are assigned to be Tomb Sentinels, Vault Guards and any other position where the orders can be simple and no-one has to put up with their dirty looks.
Note: If you can find out the exact wording of orders given to an elder Shield Maiden and can give the Shield Maiden a loophole in which to stick it to the Knights Templar, they will definitely take it, being far much interested in revenge than they are in the fleeting satisfaction of killing you.

Sludge Dragon

 I'm not sure what else to do with this, a glowering dripping Leviathan rising from the foul brackish depths of a hellish swamp in order to contemptuously spit ooze elementals at you is perfectly serviceable to me. Okay so the temperaments of dragons , such as avarice, sloth, rage etc. The Sludge Dragon is a paragon of draconic sloth. They do not care for anything other than sleep, and sink to the bottoms of silt choked shallow lakes and the loneliest of bogs to sleep for as long as possible. They can eat and digest near anything and when hunger rouses them just immediately devour all vegetation and animal life with in reach , gorging themselves and then submerging again
They utterly despise exertion and the only thing they despise more than this is anything that provokes them enough to bother with them. Their breathe weapon takes the form of Ooze elementals, but with an additional acid touch (H.D of ooze elemental = twice the damage dice of the Sludge Dragon) They can also effect the surface tension and viscosity of water , ooze , earth and mud, making formally solid ground act as quicksand, and make water impossible to swim in. If they can't drown or suffocate an opponent like this, they are happy to entomb them and let them starve to death

Tyrannosaurus Hex

  You are insane Wizard and you have an excess of enchantments , scar runes, and  magic tattoo designs. Oh and Tyrannous Rex.
Tyrannosaurus Hexes are what happens when you  use more or less laminate every square centimetre of a T-rex in magic wards. They are extremely dangerous , extremely unhappy and disrupt all magic around them in dangerously and unpredictably ways. Have you seen Holy Mountain ? This is your T-rex right here (the one not talking) THE WHOLE THING IS ON YOUTUBE WHAT ARE WAITING FOR? (watch it from the start after though. Well okay watch that scene with the Timothy Leary parody, then watch it from the start). Hmm maybe they are addicted to eating magic? Nah then it just makes them some kind of Disenchanter monster that seems to only exist to take stuff off the p.cs. Thinking...thinking..
Okay Tyrannosaurus Hex have a marauder phase where they just run around screaming at the new colours and eating people. But after that they realize they are intelligent and conscious and driven by the desire to formulate the fantastic new ways of magic  they can  just about grasp. The T-hex then attempts to study magic and experiment, as best as it can do with a wild magic field ( that it can learn to suppress) two dainty forearms , the mind of apex predator and no formal training what so ever.
Like an Outsider artist if art could blow things to pieces and turn those pieces into spider-wolves. And the artist was a giant bipedal killing machine.

DINOSAUR, WIGHT, THOUGHT EATER, FLIGHTLESS BIRD, TROLL, NAGA (SPIRIT)

Print PDF

Troll

 D&d has pretty much sold me on trolls being gangly , wack proportioned  , flailing limbed monstrosities. Like Trollhunter was cool and all, and that  deep well of myths of lumbering oafs of cave , bridge and lonely road, but to me , they are a ludicrous green maniacs.

 

Flightless Bird

 I was going for the creepy "giant albino penguin" thing. You know like birds that start losing their birdness and reveal this quite quietly completely insane thing.  Like how horrible baby birds look, or chickens , or the look in the eye of an eagle when it is not currently killing something and that is completely flipping out internally from the outrage that there  could be a single second where it was not killing something. Like it offends its dignity.
Okay this is not that eagle. This is an awkward waddling thing that in every gesture it reminds you of all the things birds do , and it isn't doing any of them, its weird and somehow it is making you reconsider birds as normal things. They are not. They have a single claw in the middle of their face and no other features to speak off, except 2 unblinking eyes on either side of their heads. They make more noise than seems possibly for their size. They do not have hair, instead they have these absurdly elaborate structures  called feathers which they shed like they shit, ie all the time. And lastly the feet , which have been the go-to for monster feet for countless artists in countless artists. Because they are monster feet.

Wight

 Comparing Wights to Vampires, I can imagine both being a menacing solo monster , the bane of a spooky village. The vampire will talk , and it will charm and it will surround itself in the trappings of wealth, and then shock with its bestial bloodily hunger .
The wight will climb out of bog and scream and kill and scream and kill and make more wights and they will scream and kill and then just lie down in the torn up bodies and soiled food and ruins and just lie there for years and years until someone else shows up to scream and kill and scream. It is an entirely intelligent being that acts in such a way that it would be delusional to describe as bestial, for that suggests something that approaches being relatable .

See The Grudge, The Ring etc

Dinosaur

 Man this guy came out so cute I don't even know.  Did you know that the t-rex in the original monster manual has a claw/claw/bite attack? MADNESS

Spirit Naga

 There is 3 kinds of naga in the book they all somehow fail at being interesting . Like their schtick is being a snake or having snake like stuff. There is already snakes to spit poison and bit poison blah. They need something their own. Mythologically I'm really vague on them, but they strike me as one of those creatures that gets defined as this one thing, when it's actually like trying to define a jerk or a fuckhead.
Like Taniwha , or fairies, or Oni, or Jinn,( or dragon for that matter)
Some white dude just wants to have a nice clear picture of  what they look like for the "The lads big  book of ignorant superstitions  of the colonies" and here is all these people going

 "well some fuckheads are fuckheads because they steal your shit. But other fuckheads are fuckheads because they piss snakes under your bed. But this guy I know had a fuckhead working for him, and he was great. He still was a fuckhead though. What ? No he didn't have a goat-ass for a face. What gave you that idea? I said he was a fuckhead not a shitwipe. You're getting confused with that shitwipe who had a goatass for a face, because he was a fuckhead as well, seeing as his mother was a massive bitch and his dad was the north wind."

I thought spirit naga had stingers but that is dark naga. I gave it a stinger anyhow but then decided to ditch it and use it for a scorpion. Try drawing a snake with a scorpion stinger, it's really awkward some how.

Thought Eater

Quick (rhetorical) quiz: what powers did the brain mole , thought eater , and intellect devourer have? Can't remember? Me never.

In other news I have my camera again. I still hate it. Oh and I'm doing a residency at the Concerned Citizens Collective in Wellington for the month of March. Won't be these guys though will be this stuff http://www.kludgewitch.blogspot.co.nz/

Zoom zoom crash

Print PDF

10 points if you get the song reference.


Quick post, Monster Johnston did this derpicore thing, and this was something else I did for it. Maybe he included it here already?  Yes he did.
But I'mma post it again anyway. It took me like a whole ten minutes to think up, coz that was the whole entire of the game. Badger other people to make wack mechanics or material for your use with a limited time frame to do so. In exchange you agree to be a badger target for other people.

It's a great game, I recommend it.



CHASE SCENE!

First you need to know how fast you are going.
flying at brisk walk is 1d1
human running speed is a d4
horse trotting (cantering maybe?) is a d6
fly spell is a d8
broomsticks/flying carpets is a d10
rocketized versions of these is a d12
something faster than that d14
but wait even more absurdly fast  is a d20
as above but with sweet paint job d30

(alternate version: assign die based on who is in the race right now, and not objectively. So If everyone has a horse then all the average horses get a d8, all the ponys get a d6 and all the mighty chargers get a d10. Or even more delineated if needed )
.
Each chase participant rolls their dice each round. Highest gets furtherest ahead.

You can choose to roll a dice any size smaller than you would normally.
YOu can also choose to roll a dice size one bigger than you would normally, but on the next round you have to roll one smaller.

Because every round the d.m is rolling an obstacle die. If your roll is higher than the d.ms you have  bounced off or directly collided into something. You take damage = what the your die rolled and must make a dex check or come to a complete stop. You also take additional damage = how much you failed the dex check by. Modify this check by your (or mode of transports, which ever is bigger) size modifier (if any).

Needless extra complication bit:
If it you are around about the same size  as you form of transport, you both take damage. IF you are a lot bigger than your  mode of transport, then just you takes damage, unless you roll a 20 on the dex check, in which case you both take the damage. IF you roll exactly your dex, then just your mode of transport takes the damage.
If your mode of transport is atleast twice your size then split the damage 50/50, unless you roll a 20 on that dex check, in which case just you.

If you succeeded the dex check you are still in the race!

The size of the obstacle die depends on how much crap is the way. A typically sparse but with a few potential ghetto brakes room is a d20.
Examples of this would a large dining room, a big cave with a few stalagmites, a village street on a quiet night.

etc etc

and on the other end of the scale is a crowded market place or a dense jungle which is a d4.
The forests of endor would be a d12 . Wait which would make speeder bikes have a bout a 50/50 chance of crashing into something each round. I don't care.

OKAY RULE FOR LONGER RACES EVERYONE GETS TO ROLL TWICE AND CHOOSE WHAT RESULT THEY WANT TO USE AND THEY CAN CHOOSE AFTER THE OBSTACLE DIE IS ROLLED UNLESS VIEWING CONDITIONS ARE BAD
OR something. Whatever you get  the idea.

Unlikely Weapons

Print PDF My camera is borrowed and poorly returned, ie it has not yet.
But I made these not that recently ago and now you can look at shitty webcam pictures of them

I AM A THOUGHT EATER GRR

GRR AM A TROLL

AND I AM ALL WIGHT

YAY PIGGY BACK RIDES (you are a down a level mr troll)

THAT WAS FREAKING EXCITING NO?

Anyway here are some quick weapon ideas for esoteric/exotic/just plain goofy weapons for your sinister underworld raiders or jaded whimsy-knights of a twilight empire of sin and body paint.


THE DANCER
it's a giant spinning top with lacerating ribbons.  About half metre in height, the lacerating ribbons only emerge at when it reaches its range (skilled user chooses up 10 metres away) Exotic training means it always comes back to the trained user. It inflicts 1d8 damage to a 5 foot area (dex save for none) then moves next round to another area ( via scatter diagram) and then returns on the 3rd.
Untrained use means in a complete random direction. If you use it in at least 10 battles you count as skilled in  its use when you gain a level. Or whatever weapon training rules you may or may not have.
Can be used as a Meteor Hammer as well.


other versions include The Nipper which are fist sized spinning tops with razor edges. Resolve a normal attack  (inflicting 1d4 damage) on anyone up to 15 metres away then pick any spot up to its max range where it will explode for 1d8 damage (dex save for none) in a 1.5 metre radius.

and the SMILING CHAIR
which is one big enough to ride on. Riding on it means you move 1d6 metres in a random direction and then 1d6 metres in another direction each round. It inflicts 1d12 damage on anyone in it's path (dex save for none)

MADMAN'S LANCE
I'll be straight with you, this is a weaponized pole for pole vaulting. It is made from something like metal but more like wood, 3 metres long and sharp at the ends, its resilience and flexibility gives it a dangerous snap in the hands of some insane enough to use it on a regular basis. 1d6 piercing or blunt damage at mid range, but 1d8 piercing or 1d10 blunt if used on opponents just within reach. If used to pole vault with, it extends the length and height of the wielder by 5 metres. Attempting to impale someone on landing counts as a charge and additionally the lance does 1d12 (piercing) damage but roll twice and take the best result.

FLYING GUILLOTINE
Counts as thrown weapon and does a d8 damage, but on a natural 20 it does a d20 damage.
A what?
Question; why did Neu not make all their music like that?
I don't know. I really really don't.

SLUNG SHOT:
Basically a rock on a rope. A short section of rope with a heavy object held in place with a monkey's fist knot (or a real monkeys fist because magic)  Either used by swinging it around or coiling it in a tight spiral and then snapping it out. The later use made it very popular as a sudden attack concealed weapon. You can
have all nice all coiled up in a pocket or your sleeve and then snap it right into someones face. Popular with Sailors, Chinese Peasants, and Irish immigrants. Basically anyone  not allowed a real weapon.
Fantasy variants could include dangerous monster organs at the end or just a real monkeys hand that latches onto your face and pulls it off.

DOG GUN
This is a dog warped by strange magics until it looks like a prolapsed tumor  It can shoot forward a harpoon tongue up to 10 metres away. 1d8 damage plus your charisma modifier, coz if the dog likes you it does a better job at attacking things.  You use your charisma modifier instead of your dex to hit stuff as well.
This is assuming you are feeding it, and cooing creepily to it. You are cooing creepily to it aren't you?

GAS POWERED STICK:
This is a club with an implausible engine attached to it. It uses about a litre of gas per 5 rounds of gas powered stick action. It acts as club +1 and you get an additional attack per round.
If petrol is not available it will accept any flammablish liquid(ish) but it become more unstable.
Pure alcohol , meths , turpentine or burning oil means it goes haywire on a 1. Lamp oil or high percentage alcohol means it goes haywire on 1,2  Raw fat, butter, beer, or coconut oil means it goes haywire on 1,2,3
Putting a random potion means it inflicts the effects of wand of wonder upon impact then expodes a round later for 2d8 points of damage in 3 metre area.

Gaspowerstickhaywiretable:
1d8
1:explodes,as above
2:fills the room with choking black smoke, con sav or be stunned, visibility impaired
3:resolve an attack on everyone within reach
4:as above but resolve one on your self as well.
5:Resolve a d4 attacks on yourself
6:Gaspowered stick rockets out of your hand in a random direction , and then explodes on impact.
7.Gaspowered stick emits a puff of smoke in pathetic manner, works never more.
8.As above but 1d6 rounds later roll again on this table.

MERCYS SHADE:
It's a weaponized umbrella, made out of fancy arcane metals. It can be a shield or a staff, you can deflect one projectile with a successful dex save by open it quickly. It also arrest a fall to a gentle descent if held aloft open.

SCREAMING SKULL
It's animate screaming still kinda flesh skull on the end of staff. It screams whenever it is used, which causes a morale check the first time it is used. Damage is a d8+1 from impact and the skull taking bites out of the target.