1d100 table of mutations and wait, MASTODON

So mastodon is all done and looking as cute as a  kitten with cute buttons eyes cutely shoved into its stupid kitten face. But as I am sans a house, my computer being all packed up, and me the delightful occupant of many, many couches right now, I'm having problems getting the photos off the camera and into the seething word noise of the internet.
So here's some stuff for campaign gleaning. A potential player asked me if they could play a mutant, and I was like nah, no mutants. BUT then I was like hey, why not mutants? I got all this magic handwavey radiation lying around the world, why not mutants?

Which made me think about 2000ad style stuff, and the kinda 80s mutant goofness, you know, that big lumpy 2 head kinda shit. Skateboard deck, ratfink blah blah. Which doesn't float my raft made from bodies, but if it floats your raft made from bodies, cool.

So I wanted something more like the brothel in The Scar, but you know, not all about genitals. Genitals. I have insect parts for genitals because I am the future's gift to you. The future didn't even spell your name  right in the card that came with me.

SO yeah the Kraus? Those dudes who lived in Kingdust city, and were taken over by the Tane? Yeah all their kids kept being ( nearly all) mutants, and they kept killing them, and then they were all old and dumb, and now the Tane run the show, and are like sure, mutants, why the hell not? And the surviving kraus were like ah fuck it, what do we know? And now no-one drinks from the third well tower.
Mutants are called fluxchildren, which sounds prog rock if you were gonna be mean about it, but I don't think I can use the word mutant until those Xmen movies no longer exist in my memory.

Playing a flux child is like a human character but you get to roll on this big table 4 times and keep 2 of the results. Everyone is kinda chill about fluxchildren, like they don't drive you out of town on fire, and they feel very cosmopolitan having you as a friend but they are never that cool with you being near their kids. So its like you are a homosexual in 1970's San Francisco.

These table entry's are written for a crude pathfinder system and designed to be low level. Most have little effect on game mechanics, or have left the game mechanics to on the moment things, because if you need a table to decide the reaction of Ye olde dung shoveler to a guy with skeleton hands, you need far more help than I can give.
Yes, some of these entries are lazy.

01 You always feel feverish to the touch , this means you have  5 points of cold resistance.
02 You have the stooped brutish build of a gorilla . A unloved gorilla. +2 str, -2 dex
03 You have a consumptive ethereal look. In fact in dim light light you are ever so slightly translucent.+2 to stealth, -2 con, +2 int or wis or cha. YOu choose.
04 You are a hyper active midget. You vibrate slightly when still. +2 dex - 2 con, and are size small
05 Your blood congeals fast and rock hard. After taking damage that would cause bleeding, you get +1 natural a.c. This is stacks to a +5modifier. The blood cracks and falls off after about a hour, or prolonged exposure to running water. Also this means you are no subject to additional bleeding damage effects, but blood draining would still get you, the blood not getting enough contact with air to congeal.
06 Your eyes can extend on stalks
07 You have retractable claws like a cat, these do 1d3 damage, crit on 20 for x2.
08 You have spurs on the back of your legs like a rooster or male platypus (except not poisonous). The do 1d6 dmg, crit on 19-20 for x2, but they attack as unproficient  weapon unless you have the unarmed combat feat.
09 Your lower body is that of a snake! hiss! snake!, take 10 feet off your move speed, but you can't be tripped.
10 You get one random corponaut power 1-6 1st level, 7-8 2nd level, and enough power points to use once a day.
11 You have no colour in your skin, eyes, hair or blood.
12 Very long tongue. Like a metre long. Stores handily when not in use.
13 Double jointed! +4 to escape artist. And because that's dull, your finger tips have tiny mouths on them. They quietly sing you to sleep and whisper in your sleep.
14 You have big porcupine quills coming out your back. Armour is like 3 times as much, but you have +4 natural a.c from rear attacks, and anyone attacking you with a small or smaller weapon takes 1d6 damage
15 You have a snail shell that you can retreat into, giving you +8 a.c but you can't see anything or move. . Are you slow? you betcha, 5 feet per round as you drag your sorry ass around. Get your self a cart or something. +2 str though from all the arm work it takes  to pull yourself around.
16 You can vomit up a collection of organs, which can move independently from your body and spy on stuff with the same senses you have. Because they have eyes and ears. The organs move at your half your normal speed, and you  -6 to constitution while your organs are outside your body. They have hit points equal to you unmodified con, and if slain you take a week to grow new ones (and suffering the -6 to con the whole time). You may channel touch range spells/powers from your organs.
17 There is small wrinkled conjoined twin somewhere on your body. Its asleep most of time, but it has one savant power it can use once a day, if you wake it up and ask it nicely.
18 Your face is blank like a spooky egg. A seemless when closed slit is how you eat. You draw your features on every morning. Well you don't haaaaave to. -4 cha in any case.
19 Arms are snakes. -4 to do anything with them that would need a thumb, cause they are snakes. No they don't have poison. Yes it sucks to be you
20 There is a small arm growing out of your chest. It is pitiful and weak, but it could hold a lantern or potion or something.
21 You have a centipedeesque body, with either arms or extra legs instead of the myriapod equivalent. Its about 3 times your normal body length. It means you count as large in all ways except reach. And +6 hit points. +2 to climb, and +20 to your movement
22 Centaur! But like a pantomime  horse , like a bent over human torso sticks out of your back. Is there a insane twin trapped in your butt? Lets hope not. Any way you count as large for purposes of overrun, bullrush and grapple and the like. But not in the sense of a.c or reach. + 10 feet speed as well.
23 You have gliding membranes like a flying squirrel or someone wearing a creepy skin poucho. This means you don't take falling damage as long as you can move 20 feet vertically for every ten feet fallen. It takes you like 20 feet to turn 90 degrees.
24 Prehensile tail. +2 to climb and acrobatics.
25 Froglike build. +4 acrobatics and add to ten feet to your jump height and length.
26 Another face is on the back of your head. It shows the opposite expression to you but does give you +2 to perception
27 You can run around real good on all your hands and feet. +10 feet speed when you doing this.
28 You have horrible fangs like a shark that eats glass and meth. Your bite is does 1d6 damage but still counts as unarmed attack for provoking attacks of opportunity.
29 Webbed hands and feet. +2 to swim.
30 You always feel cold to the touch, 5 points of fire/heat resistance.
31 A third eye is growing in your forehead. +1 to perception.
32 You shed and regrow your teeth in daily cycle
33 You must shed your skin once a week. This restores any stat damage you may have suffered, but it's process that takes a hour and leaves you weak and defenseless the whole time
34 The back of your head is a mass of writhing insectile limbs. The delicate hairs on them give you +2 perception
35 Instead of sleeping you must spend the time standing still and extending vein like tendrils out of your face and feet, drawing strange nutrition from the ether. This only can be done if the soil beneath your feet is fertile and suitable for growing stuff. Upon resting like this it acts as a restoration spell.
36 You have holes in your body, like a swiss cheese.
37. There is another bone to your arms given you a extra 5 feet of reach.
38 Your legs can unfold like uncanny origami , your height doubling, giving you another 20 feet of movement but make you unbalanced, - 2 dex when your legs are unfolded.
39 Your eye lids close  vertically.
40. When you are scared you sweat a mild poison of a bright blue tinge. Contact with this poison will force others to make a fort save at 15 or take 1d6 con damage
41 Your back is a writhing mass of insectile limbs tipped with poison stabbers, you may attack behind you at -2 , inflicting 1d6 damage and forcing a fort save at d.c 11+ your level or take a further 2d6 damage.
42Delciate translucent wings grow sublimely underneath your back and forearm skin. if concentrate for a minute, they softy spring forth, fluttering in the sunlight/moonlight(choose on character creation). If you spend 5 minutes like this you can regain 1d4 hitpoints or power points per level. This maybe done once a day, and you take an additional 2d6 damage from any attack while the wings are out.
43 Your skin is somehow sharp, to a soft touch feeling normal, but any fast movement against it is cut by a score of invisible razors. Anyone grappling with you if you are at least showing 40% skin takes  1d8 damage.
44  Unnaturally light, +4 to acrobatics and stealth (where noise is the primary concern), but you count as tiny for purposes of weight, eg bullrush, overrun, pressure plate etc.
45 Unnaturally heavy, the reverse of the above
46If you succeed in fortitude save against a poison you can spit it back as a ranged touch attack 1d4 rounds later. You may hold the poison in a hour before you have to make the original save again or be affected by it. You may only hold one poison at a time. The d.c of poison is the same as the original.
47 Your eyes project light constantly, so you can see in the dark, but you must close your eyes to hide.
48 hemophiliac. You take 1 point of damage after being damaged, until a heal check is made on you d.c 12. On the plus side Heal is a class skill for you if it wasn't already.
49 You can dislocate your jaw and eat stuff bigger than your head.
50 Your blood bursts into flame on contact with air, anyone damaging you with slashing or piercing attacks must make a ref save at d.c 10 + the damage inflicted or take 1d4 damage per 5 points of damage done to you (minimum 1d4, max 10d4)
51 You have massive shoulders a hunched over posture like some kinda bear. And soft white fur grows in patches over your body. This is not however fur, but a symbiotic fungus, that whispers to you secrets! +2 strength +2 wisdom
52  The hair on your head is an unusual colour. Choose. Hairs on head left in lightless water turn into snakes and leeches in 1d4 days.
53 Thorns grow from your body, they are long and spindle and red like dirty junkie syringes. Anyone grappling you or otherwise contacting your skin takes 1d6 damage - whatever natural a.c bonus they might have. They do not contract hep C because that was a simile I used before.
54 You can excrete fluffy white goop from your face openings. you may spin this disgusting but special blessing rapidly and freakishly into silk like cloth or rope. This takes 1d4 minutes  and you can produce 20 feet of rope or a 10 by 10 sheet per day. You have to eat twice as much that day though or its like you ate nothing at all. If had the profession skill in weaving you could make fancier stuff if the dm could stay awake long enough to listen to your dumb idea.
55 A snake lives n your brain, which is compressed but still with the thinking able. The snake share your thoughts and sorts your memory like a personal assistant . It can leave via your nose or mouth, and likes to spend an hour each day having a bit of a stretch and a mouse. While its inside your head you get +4 int, and +2 to all your knowledge skills. Choose a knowledge skill, the snake is an expert at that knowledge and you have to be pretend to be interested in it or the snake gets huffy and wouldn't help into bribed with mice or attention.
56If you scratch someone (as a unarmed attack) your nails tear off and burrow under their skin, causing great pain (-2 pain penalty on all rolls0 and 1d4 damage per round, until they make a fort save at dc 10+ your level. The can do this the round after been scratched, and make a new roll every round after that.
57 You have no teeth and must eat stuff like a fly, hoiking up digestion enzymes over your food and then soaking it up with your fan like tongue.
58 You can eerily copy other peoples voices. +4 to disguise when relevant.
59You smell like death to (1-2 mammals, 3-4 reptiles, 5-6 insects, 7-8 pterasaurs and birds)
-10 to handle animal checks against members of that type. On the plus side predators will only try and eat you if they are very hungry. Territory animals however are far more likely to go you.
60 Your blood is tiny, rice grain sized ants that are rainbow coloured and do the work of your blood. They sing all the fucking time too, but you have to have your ear right near them to hear. +2 con
61 Your legs taper to boney spikes, counter intuitively this makes you nimble , and graceful . +2 dex
62 You have crazy pheromones +2 cha
63 You never sleep. You can't sleep. -2 to any checks involving concentration because of constant mild hallucinations. Choose a  repetitive  task like knitting , mediating , counting , walking in circles, muttering, etc that you spend 4 hours doing instead of sleep to get the mechanical benefits of sleep. If the player suggests masturbation as an activity, they are dull and you should put cigarettes out them, and call them stinky ash tray and jeer at them. Fucking ashtray..
64Your hands are skeleton hands.
65You have a mouth inside your mouth that repeats what you say slightly after you say it giving you a slight echo effect.
66 your exhaled breathe is visable no matter what the temputure
67You have a different voice everyday
68 You have a nose like beak thing like someone grabbed your face and stretched to a point, ala that scene in beetle juice when those yuppie ghosts are learning to be scary
69You have skin like a rhino + 2 natural a.c bonus
70 You diet consists solely of 1-2 insect wings 3-4 flower petals 5-6 teeth 7-8 hair 9-10 soil
71 your hands close the other way
72 cyclops! -2 to ranged attacks because no depth perception for you
73You have weird excess skin in clumps around your body. +1 natural a.c
74 You make a bone blade pop out of the palm of hand. Treat as a short sword
75Instead of hands you have long frond things. +2 to resisting disarm attempts
76You skin has no pores and is slightly radiate
77Covered in fur!
78Massive lungs! double held breathe time and +2 to damage with blow guns
79 Tiny frogs hatch from cysts on you back and hatch and hop away in a 2 week cycle, if you catch and eat them you remember a dream you had forgotten. This could be a excuse for the d.m to give you a clue! Those frogs are pretty damn cute though..
80 Your hair is feathers
81 Your organs kinda wander around your body by them selves. Once a day you may treat a critical hit as a normal hit. -4 to heal checks on you though.
82 Anyone can feel your heart beat on any surface of your body. In fact if its quiet enough it's audible from up to ten feet away.
83You skin is slippery and eel like, +2 to escape artist and if you get set on fire , reduce the time on fire by 2 rounds. But you must drink twice as much water as a regular type person
84Your flesh is translucent, but your organs and bones are not. +2 to intimidate
85if you spend 1d4 rounds whispering a close like to an object, the next attack on it ignores hardness
86You cast no shadow
87You may shoot your finger nails off at people, treat as an attack with a +1 dart. You may fire one a round, and you regrow 1d4 back a day.
88 You are weirdly rubbery gaining damage resistance 5 against blunt weapons , +2 to grapple/ escape artist.. why have I so many escape artist mods? I don't even like to tie people up in real life
89 At least half your body is covered in tattoos. These move and frolic about when no one is looking. THEY GUIDE YOU +2 wis
90One of your arms is a giant lobster / scorpion claw! RWAAGA!. You can't really do shit with it except crush dudes like fat maggots. 1d8 damage crit on 20 for x3 damage, -4 to do anything delicate with it. You count as proficient in it.
91 Your head rotates 360 degrees
92 Your eyes change colour like a mood ring, and anyone making you cry (happy cry or sad cry but not onion cry) can drink your tears healing 2d8+2 hitpoints
93 The shadow you cast acts out your hidden desires
94 Horns! spiral blunt goat ones! long spikey impala ones! You choose, they count as a unarmed attack but 1d6 lethal damage , crit on 20 for x2
95 From your brow grows a crown (or tiara) of bone or coral
96 +2 ref save and you smell like candy and attract bees
97 +2 fort save and fuck it I'm tired, you .. bits of ash float out of your mouth when you speak
98+2 will save and have horrible big  pulsing veins on your head
99 You have a long plait of motile hair, that can be used by you like a whip or a ten feet rope and grappling hook
100 Your head is a part giant mushroom you fucking hippy, -2 cha. Any disease, poison or fungus attack that you make a successful fort safe from you may then release a spore attack a day later with the exact same effects, d.c etc. The spore attack maybe spored at one target up to 20 feet away with a ranged touch attack, (and a fort save) or everyone within 5 feet of you (fort save only, no attack roll needed)



That took too damn long. Beurghaa. Okay so my computer is set up and now you can be amazed at the mastodon (mastodon means nipple tooth apparently)! Mastodons are like elephants except kinda smaller, flatter heads and long tusks.
REGULAR GUY GOT A NEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDD

Regular guy, Rex got a need
Rex, Racer X
Brother is Speed
Brother is Speed
Brother is sex
Shut up, Pops
Rex, Racer X

Got a big white X
On the top of his car
Rex keeps his speed
In a little glass jar
Racer X on the road
Rex on the track
Little cartoon nips
Racer X on attack

Just a goddamn job
Just a goddamn job
Just a goddamn job
Just a goddamn job
Just a goddamn job
When you're hauling strips
Just a goddamn job
Rex needs his fix
OK

Just a man in a car
Racer X got a need
Come on, Five
I need a little more speed



OK
Rex is a man
He's the brother of sex
Aw, shut up Pops
Here's to Rex, Racer X
OK