Normally I wouldn't bother telling y'all about whats going in my life but as I'm a significant part of some upcoming kickstarters, it seems appropriate to update you on the following.
I'm someone who experiences gender dysphoria. Currently there's no precise means to determine exactly what is creating it and/or if its not some other problem that is creating the symptoms typical of gender dysphoria.
As to alleviate it , I would attempt to present female, underwent laser facial hair reduction ,took female hormones and asked people to use female pronouns with me.
But as time went on this just made me hyper aware of the aspects of myself that still were male. The more I attempt to "become" female , the great the distance seemed to be created by what I couldn't change.
So then in the last couple of years I stopped my transition attempt and instead made a conscious focus on accepting or at least tolerating being male.
This has resulted in far less mental distress than I was enduring before.
The reason I'm TMI-ing y'all is because I don't think its appropriate to continue to use me as an example or inspiration of trans representation or to highlight my presence in an attempt to foster greater diversity.
(which I worried might happen in regard to some upcoming kickstarters I'm involved in )
I don't undergo or face the obstacles facing trans women , there-fore should not get the aid offered to them to help alleviate that.
And in regard to pronouns , I now have no preference. He, she , they, I don't mind and don't care.
Still happy being called scrap princess , basically none of this is likely relevant to anyone other than someone who was about to mention my name as an example of a trans person in DIY d&d.
Two caveats:
one:
Just because I found peace living as my natal gender doesn't mean others will. As I said before, there's currently no precise way of determining who will benefit from transition and who won't.
Furthermore one of the least precise method is the unwanted opinion of a stranger on the internet.
Society should get to a place where one can consider both options without being pressured either way.
two:
I don't consider how I "identify" a meaningful act. Better to talk about ones actions, desires, and external social pressures and freedoms than try to measure and label something as illusionary as a "true self".
People get caught up trying to correctly label their gender , assuming having done that, they then can have permission to do something or present a certain way.
Hey, I'm glad your happy! Or I dunno if you're happy; I'm glad you're comfortable with this aspect of yourself or life or the universe...?
ReplyDeleteYou go, Scrap!
ReplyDeleteRegardless of what you may or may not be seen as or held up as, I just wanted to say it's good to hear you're feeling more at peace lately (or at least experiencing "far less mental distress"). I know I speak for many others when I say we respect you as a creator and a person, and are gladdened to hear good news in any form.
ReplyDeleteThis post rules. Love to see my favorite authors doing thoughtful well adjusted experimentation and growth
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you're experiencing less distress now. Keep being awesome, Scrap.
ReplyDeleteI think the way you've chosen to share this is really touching. I'm sure none of this has been easy. I hope things continue to go a little better for you.
ReplyDeleteAlso, good luck on your upcoming Kickstarters!
Just curious, you say you became aware of what you couldn't change, and made an attempt to tolerate being male. I'm not going to pry, but do you think that if those aspects you couldn't change were not part of the picture (I'm going to assume it's a cost or difficulty thing in relation to transition, or possibly a results thing, but it doesn't really matter whatever it is it's a barrier for you for some reason) that they did not form a barrier, that you would have continued with your transition?
ReplyDeleteI only ask because it sounds like part of the distress is based in feeling like whatever you were struggling with was either never going to end, or wouldn't without a big unforeseeable change, so you decided to stop fighting and find peace with where you were at, instead of trying to get somewhere else. Which (if the opinion of a perfect stranger on the internet matters at all for you, and reasonably it shouldn't) is okay.
It also doesn't mean you have to take off your trans hat, if you don't want to. Or that you wouldn't benefit from transition, if it weren't so difficult for whatever reason/s (and there are a huge multitude of possible ones, including ones just specific to you! Aren't you lucky!) It's okay to decide where "victory" in this campaign for personal discovery lies, even if it's not where other people assume it's going to be (in this case, completing your transition).
I think the more meaningful act than how you identify, is this one and all the ones leading up to it. You are being (and have been for years) honest with strangers and in public about your personal struggles, and mostly it's because you don't want to shift focus from people you think are more deserving of it. That's a pretty nice thing to do, and I commend you for it (even if I don't precisely agree with the idea that you don't face, or haven't faced those challenges) and think you should be held up in some manner, even if it's just as someone in the community dealing with these issues in a public fashion.
Good on you Princess.
To answer your question, if the technology existed, and I had access to it, to fully become a typical women , then yes I would make that transition. Alas , it doesn't exist, and the changes that were possible weren't enough for me.
DeleteWell that fucking sucks and I wish there was some way I could make that happen for you. I'm glad you're making peace with things, I'm sorry you weren't able to find what you needed, and I think you're a champ.
DeleteAlso, if that's the case, if that's how you feel, you most certainly should be held up as "...as an example or inspiration of trans representation..." Not being satisfied with your options doesn't mean you aren't part of the club, or aren't an inspiration. You 100% face challenges those other women do, though not all the same ones all the time I'm sure. Just the fact that you feel that way, that's a challenge, that's a big fucking obstacle, that's something I don't have to deal with to feel decent about life (not even happy, just normal maybe). It's not about how you appear, or where you are in your transition, or if you "complete" it. Or it shouldn't be, that's part of the point.
Do you really think you shouldn't be an example of a trans person? (D&D related or otherwise) You don't need to answer that, you wouldn't have posted this if you didn't feel that way for your own reasons. And I get maybe not wanting to...represent your struggle(or whatever term feels appropriate) when you're trying to move past it, particularly if so far that struggle has yielded unsatisfactory results.
Just know that I, and I suspect others, still think of you as representing a more diverse and nontraditional viewpoint, and I think your voice and the way you have represented yourself has been important to people in this sphere, and will continue to be so. I'll stop nattering on now, take care.
Hi Scrap Princess *curtsies*
DeleteThis is the only blog entry of yours I have read. I'm trans and a friend of mine who follows you told me about this writing. At first I was like oh it sounds like an authentic detransition that's cool, because you had said you were at peace. Then he directed me to this comment, and I have to admit I can relate to you. I'm trying to get an FFS consultation set up RN. Therapist has to write a letter to a doc up in Portland. But I'm prob moving to Baltimore so I'll have to restart the whole dang thing bc USA insurance is hell on earth.
Anyway. I guess I must admit I am curious if you got an FFS consultation?
I hope my disclosure and question are not out of order.
No , never had a FFS consultation. New Zealand has very very few dedicated medical professionals in this area, and when living in Australia my access to medical services was kinda patchy. I hope your insurance wrangles aren't too laborious!
DeleteOh they're too laborious alright but thank you.
DeleteI'm with you, if I could press a button n just be a cis woman I am there. Ideally I would have caught wind of myself early and started HRT at 16 instead of 29 and balding. I hope society becomes more and more understanding and encouraging of exploration, so more people can find themselves earlier and earlier.
I'm curious about this passage.
"I don't consider how I "identify" a meaningful act. Better to talk about ones actions, desires, and external social pressures and freedoms than try to measure and label something as illusionary as a "true self"."
I find that since coming out my desires and actions are more comfortable. Partially from a change in social pressures. Partially estrogen just makes me actually find things cuter lol. But I don't find identifying as trans to be separable from desires and actions. I behave differently. I don't think I wasn't authentic before, I was just authentically miserable.
I had a test for myself. Because I was very uncertain. It felt very presumptuous to just deem myself a woman. But I'd heard that other trans women reported the first side effect of HRT to be a mental balancing. Calmer. Clearer mind. I have experienced that consistently. I'm curious how compelling you found the HRT, and if that felt like a loss or sacrifice. If social transitioning is too difficult due to passing issues and self image (no judgement, I can relate) itd be nice to be able to hold onto the chemical benefit nonetheless! But alas, the chemical element makes boobs and impacts the social.
Anyway I know I'm kinda picking at yr brain. Feel free to delete or not respond if you'd like to close the chapter or if I rub ya the wrong way. I'm glad you feel peaceful. If you'd like to talk not in public I'm @Ani_Trawles (aletheia unwinding) on Twitter. Ani Trawles on FB. Have a lovely day, noble person of the junkyard!
If it is comforting, I never viewed you through the lens of any gender. Ever you were simply 'scrap princess', a disembodied eldritch goblin voice yelling through the internet about things that were, for the most part, beyond mortal ken. Utterly and amazingly uncatagorizable. So whatever you choose to present as, i shall not be surprised to see you as such.
ReplyDelete