THe Remaains of the Joke

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Here is the rest of them. WHAT? see here and here and here and here
It's looking at the monsters and making up a reverse of them and occasionally it's great.
It's so good it's nearly distracting Arnold from his dutch smiting.

THE ORIGIN STORY OF ARNOLD K
(he's both the merman and then hubris of the dutch)


Dwarf 
Grobby: A funny little guy that pops out from a hole in ground and offers to craft a single mundane object for modest price . The object is actually a cluster of eggs that hatch in 6 months into something like a rotary drill bit mole-rat. If confronted about this fact a Grobby is upfront about yes , that's going to happen , would you like a discount? 
After hatching these attempt to drill into back into the earth , spiralling through any intervening structures (though they get disoriented if up more than a story and can do a lot of damage before they work out where down is. The eventually adult form of these looks something like a massive starnose mole, with the very tip of its nose forming the "funny little guy"

Eagle, giant 
Wig vulture:
Why would anyone want massive wig with vultures living on top of it , constantly chewing on bones? Because one does not want to appear to be an oik

Ear seeker:
Sneeze ghost :
You know how when you sneeze , people try and cast spells on you , supposedly  for your own good?
That's because a small crap version of you made of snot can escape and they are trying to stop it escaping or possibly capture it. The point is you don't want a snot-you blabbing confused versions of your secrets to someone, so always check your hanky after sneezing for one, and if necessary grab that struggling mucus boy and force him back in

Eel 
-Mossyguy
It's a little cute pangolin with moss growing on it that has little naps. There's a lot of these to do that are animals and it's gonna be pangolins

Efreet 
-Snowball
it's a little snow guy that shows up to help you when your are lost in the snow. It's basically useless though but boy does it mean well

Elemental 
,well I did these?  I think they might of corresponded to the 5 stages of grief?  Oh and these okay one more Dismantal : elementals from stuff that doesn't exist.
Not even plausible stuff like glass, these are KnifeFoam (like pumice but polymorphous and sharp) , Bugparts (bugparts) ,  Grot (stains that possess everything) Pissance (Like Rotten Cloth and dog noses) moving on

Elephant : 
I'm remembering this shitty kids joke about why are elephants big, grey and wrinkly ? Well if they were small, white and smooth they would be an asprin . No , the opposite of an elephant is a Flea-Knight , it's a little flea dude the size of a raisin that has the strength and durability of a regular knight, but as it's concentrated down it can kinda jump through your head

Elf 
I feel like it's Shameful beast from the Ramanan-Sivaranjan-Awards-for-Excellence-in-Gaming winning book Fire on the Velvet Horizon now available in hardcover

Ettin 
Hecatoncheires

Eye of the deep 
Mouth of the sky
a jelly bag splitting open into a hooked mouth, the mouth opening and opening into a peeling back over itself to reveal the same grinning bag form. Hypnotic to watch. Sometimes planar wars dump strange machines and dying beasts out of the sky, and there's only so much time before Mouth of the sky come and eat it to nothing. Maybe a defense system of a plane, a clean up crew of another plane, or dominate scavenger roused only for these "whalefalls" 

Flightless bird 
Cloud lice
it's like a louse but cute (and the size of a dog) Clouds have them and sudden weather changes can strand them on land. They are intelligent and resourceful and will set about making some connivance or contraption to get them into the sky."You help is very much appreciated good sir, I just need 12 metres of cow tendon more , I can repair you once I'm home, you see I fell out of the cloud without my purse"

Frog, giant 
Pademelon :
look your players won't know what this is, just use one.

Fungi, violet, + some other fungi slimes etc
Crystal Grot:
Various types of crystals that grow on you like fungus, pulling emotions out of you to form themselves.

Gargoyle 

Freckle swarm. They live on you like fish swimmin aroun

Gar, giant 
Raggling, a rotten cloth cat. Adorable , but smelly. Bad at basically everything

Gas spore 
Spike snake
It looks like a deadly spike but it's a harmless snake holding itself straight. Except for its poisonous bite , that it's trying to save for bats.

Gelatinous cube 
Chainchomp
a bitey ball on a chain that you can use like a dog or a flail

Ghast 

Parasitic skin cream

it's good for you , except it wants you to eat babys

Ghost 

arsehole future baby
a floating psychic baby that claims it's descended from you and needs you to do stuff but not other stuff. Prob lying.

Ghoul 

Boneflower
Hermit crabs that use bones as shells and clinging together in flower shapes for inscrutable purposes 

Giant

lilliputians
you know, those guys

Gnoll

Flower people
They are flowers but walking around being pretty vague. You could reskin myconid even. That sounds pretty excited huh?

Gnome

Needley dee
A skinny little traveling tailor waspy person that can sew things together or shut to defend itself.

Goat, giant 

Spring loaded pocket goat

Goblin

talking hats

Golem 

people that have been shaped into furniture or tools and are still alive and feeling bad about it I imagine

Gorgon 

Oasis Giraffe of Kindness
A gentle giraffe cactus that creates oasises will it selps

Gray ooze 
Quartz Speckle

sucks out despair ! you become foolishless happy while all these crystals burst from your flesh

Green slime 

Ruby Jagger
sucks out peace! Red spiked fury man

Griffon 

2 legged walking horse

Groaning spirit (Banshee)

The Good Boy
The best dog that everyone is happy to see

Halfling 

Joyless Grey Man
A horrid little hair-eater, like a corpse made of lint with disappointing raisins for eyes.

Harpy

Canarywife
it's a happy little bird that shows up in your life and helps you get your shit together. Like personal trainer but an abusive magical bird 

Hell hound

Joy-pig
this is lucky pig

Herd animal 

Questing BEast
Legendary animals that there are just one of and sometimes are responsible for everything being bad and sometimes responsible for everything being good. Hearts often associated with cures.

Hippocampus

Puffer fish protective helmet

Hippogriff

A centipede made of guns

Hippopotamus

Skinless ghoul otter

  

Hobgoblin

Living Bubble

Homunculus 

Dreamegg
it's an egg that will hatch something you dreamed about, but you are never sure which aspect of your dream is gonna hatch

Horse 

Barrier Beast:
a giant bear that sleeps alot and blocks roads

Hydra 

Running Snake:
fast and powerful

Hyena/jackal

Stitcher bird builds nests on people

Imp  

Jiminy cricket , or a disappointment giant

Intellect devourer 

superfist! s u p e r f i s t

Invisible stalker  

Neon-eye-destroyer
something  so bright it can burn your eyes clean out of head baby

Irish deer  

Small palm tree man

Ixitxachitl

Mayan Hypno Spines/crystal skulls encouraging head planking

Jackalwere 

someone made of birds like a scarecrow but birds

Big Cat Jaguar:

Super Python 

Ki-rin /Lammasu

Mouse deer with weird granny face that smokes and visits places and every one has to be polite and she asks after everyone's family

Kobold 

Ceiling-Geist; A weird stain being that watches you

Lamia  

Someone with a mouth under their hair

Lamprey

Hair cleaning birds

Larva see demon/devil

Leech, giant 

A feather than sticks itself in you and you think everything you can do is because of the feather

Leprechaun

Agnes the ruiner. Like very old apple in hobnail boots and loves arson

Leucrotta

A peacock mink

Lich  what if Lichs and lions swapped appearances? 

Lizard 

Weird giraffe monkey

Lizard man

skinling wart people

Locathah 

Catfish carpenters

Lurker above 

Diversion, like a generic goblinish koboldish impish thing that shows up and draws attention to itself at the worst possible time

Lycanthrope 

Animal that remembers its past life occasuinally

Lynx giant

parrot dog

Mammoth/mastadon

micro mammoth

Manticore 

mother goose

Masher

sky jellyfish

Medusa  

feel like we kinda did these in velvet horizon, but a lizard made of hands that gives you super bad Pareidolia

Men 

rumour people
everyone almost knows them!

Merman 

people crudely remade to be able to live underwater. 

Mimic 

Cimim
it's a mimic but it always makes itself look like the most of out of place thing it can think of , like a wheel of cheese in ancient tomb or a rotting puppy in a libary

Mind flayer 

The opposite of a mind-flayer is basically every towering nuggety bastard from Fist of The North Star

Minotaur 

Brindle-Fly

Morkoth 

the reason there is so many redundant underwater monsters is most of them are so boring the original creators kept forgotting what had been made already and made something new

Feng-Shui Pangolin

Mule

A balloon

Mummy 

a baby in some kinda weird fucked up womb amber and do you wanna smash it or see what is being done to it?

Naga

See hydra or boa-boys out of Fire on The Velvet Horizon 

Neo-otyugh/ otyugh

Flower-brute

like a shambling mound but with flowers grow on it. Like a garden that can beat you into mulch.

Nightmare

Gorilla O' dreams
it's a Gorilla that can travel in peoples dreams there is so many entrys

Nixie 

Truth-coming-out-of-her-well-to-shame-mankind
but can be any well buddy. Put on the city events tables.

Nymph 

Sheer 
body horror monster that messes with what turns you on. Like it repulse you with it's messed up body but then later you think it's kinda hot and then later nothing else is attractive anymore

Octopus, giant

Tiny star squid

Ogre

Brittleman/Brittleman lanterner
Like tall bone lattice giants, that only defence is the glass shards that they break into when struck. Lonely pilgrims wandering the roads at night , searching for missing stars in the sky . The lanterns have magic lanterns and know prophecies but are loathe to tell people them

Otter, giant
A regular otter than lives in the sewer and occasionally disembowels people via their anus

Owl, giant

this thing

Owlbear

A skinny bear covered in fly wings

Pegasus 

Feet pigs
They have human feet

Peryton

Perching stag women

Piercer 

Balldestroyer , bouncing boulder

Pike, giant

pipe fish

Pixie  

Really loud frogs

Porcupine

Dog that can squeeze under things

Portuguese man-o-war, giant 

Tree horse

Pseudo-dragon 

Ape-wizard

Purple worm

Scribber-pede
It can draw with its legs and make its drawings come to life 

Quasit see imp

Rakshasa

A socrates

Ram, giant 

sheep that are actually just wool

Rat, giant (Sumatran) 

Mouse musician

Ray

barnacle

Remorhaz 

why did these do so much damage?

snow crab

Rhinoceros  

sumobeast

Roc 

bird eating elephant

Roper 

grease tree

Rot grub 

tomato sauce

Rust monster 

Shiner-Snail/cleaner slug:
it eats rust and slowly moves along rusty things cleaning them

Sahuagin   

Eyeless albion cave dolphin

Salamander 

gnome , creepy .Like inner earth aliens

Satyr 

A goat librarian

Scorpion, giant 

Pseudoscorpion, jewellery

Sea hag

Desert stone smith

Sea horse

but can fly

Sea lion   

fuck these things, shark horse

Shadow 

Light ghost, those phospense

Shambling mound 

Bone garden

Shark

Spam

Shedu see lammusu

Shrieker 

recording crystal water

Skeleton  

bile boy
like a jelly baby made of bile

Skunk, giant

Perfumer
a butterfly but magic and evil , i'm getting over this

Slug, giant 

salt-king

Snake, giant 

see walking snake

Spectre

Vector:
a meat shadow that makes you so health you freak out and start seeing through this mortal realm and burn people your eye lasers

Sphinx

Giraffe

Spider 

beaver

Sprite

see pixie

Squid, giant )  

see octopus

Stag see herd animal

Stirge   

blood blimp

Strangle weed 

symbotic flower

Su-monster   

Us-monster

Sylph 

see  Nymph 

Thought eater 

earworm, factchecker, rememoryer

Tick, giant

gas bag

Titan

village god

Titanothere 

the same but cute and small

Toad, giant  see frog

Trapper see lurker

Treantman: 

living streets

Triton the most redundanet monster entry is having 2 other good/neutral races other than mermaids in the book. underwater races are not something you will use a lot of, goodish vague-as races that don't do shit you won't need, and here's boring fish people and boring aquamen. Mermaids you can get murderious, or horrible or more or less fish like and its the best

the opposite of these is a Murderer

Troglodyte

Extrovert 

Troll

The crumbing sage

Turtle, giant 

miniture castle turtle

Umber hulk 

Azure-Flit

Unicorn

Black Phillip

Vampire

Aide

Wasp, giant

Brain bee

Water weird 

a dust storm that follows you round and makes statues of you

Weasel, giant 

wall badger

Whale

sky ribbon

Wight 

see spectre

Wind walker 

Dirt Bird

Wolf 

Dog

Wolverine 

Bumble bee

Wraith

see spectre

Wyvern 

Zilent

Xorn 

Gold Bug

Yeti 

Organ grinder and monkey, both the grinder and the organ are machines

Zombie

Sleeper
people of civilisations that don't exist that are sleeping forever unless you wake them, then they get all confused and sad and possibly try and take over the world

"MAYBE IF YOU DIDN'T LIVE BELOW SEA LEVEL YOU WOULDN'T NEED WOODEN SHOES HAAHAHAHA I'M ARNOLD , ALSO YOU LIVE IN WINDMILLS "

ARNOLD K IS SOLELY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DUTCH TULIP CRASH OF 1635

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I now begin to document Arnold K's non-pig related crimes by making opposites of monsters

Devil

Civillian:

Do you know the movie Cube and the passing idea that the whole thing was bureaucratic mistake that became too big to shut down so everyone kept doing their job even their job was to maintain a murder-cube in the desert? Civillians are those people . When societies reach certain densities and complexity certain jobs and professions mysteriously that are seemingly irrational, perverse , and destructive (no not advertising, but sure) .  Very little people know about these jobs , and often the only way to find out about them is to be a target for them. Nothing about Civillians is objectively different from regular humans, and yet there's something wrong or too average , or not right about them. If you have ever stumbled upon something on the internet that you can't tell if it's a spam-bot or a person, that is like a Civillian. Their conversation, beliefs , and mannerisms seem to be a slightly ill-matched collection of cliches, stereotypical behaviour, and populism. 

Asmodeus, Baalzebul, Geryon (Arch-devil) , Dispater

The Haze, arch-civillian : a infection that settles on someone and makes everyone seem like a Civillian to them , a mass of noise and shapes, not real not real even though the blood and screams seems almost real. Possible not an independent entity and a condition that happens if you kill or become too focused on Civillians.

-- Barbed (Lesser devil) 

Developer: dictate that roads and streets make dangerous runes, mazes, absurd concentrations of population, and low level malignant architecture and civil engineering . If there's paperwork saying a graveyard should be disturbed or a haunted forest pushed into, it's a Developer.

-- Bone (Lesser devil) 

Pawner:

Runs pawn shops that appear to the desperate offering a really good price for their most valued possession. Will then disappear somewhere else, sell that item to someone that the original seller will run into. Burglaries that turn into murders tend to happen 

-- Erinyes  

 Hounder:

Basically the Stasi , see here 

-- Horned 

Childcatchers:

catch stray children , sell them to guilds for use as apprentices, who generally use them in really shitty jobs

-- Ice 

Legalator 

If you find a stolen child and then try and get them off the guilds and the guilds go well actually that's against the law, you need to pay us this prohibitive amount of money , and you think "Who would write such laws?" . Legalators.

Never anything absurd and huge , just minor , petty , laws , that cause an additional sting to any injustice.  Homosexual men let out of nazi concentration camps but then put back in prison because Homosexuality was still a crime , is a classic Legalator move.

-- Lemure

Chum

Just a regular person that seems so devoid of imagination , insight, or depth . Friendly but draining. The Co-worker you avoid but can't explain why.  Harmless except other Civillians can command them telepathically to do anything without regard for self-preservation 

-- Pit Fiend 

Morganer

The source of ideas such as using lead for drinking cups, feeding cow brains to cows, adding radium to everything. Never around when the corpses/mutations/insect swarms start to mount up.

Dinosaur:

Burgress Shale Arthopods, but they take the place of common animals that live in and around human homes like rats, bats , cats, mice , roaches

Displacer beast:

Hide-Behind

ARNOLD K FUCKED A PIG PART 2

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this photorealistic pokemon stuff is easy

Carrion crawler 

Egg Maker: 

It's like that creepy pokemon chansey , it hugs people and holds them in its extremely rubbery body until they are too tired to fight back , then it puts them in an egg. They will stay in the egg unharmed until hatched. This tends to cause some aspects of their personality to drastically change

Catoblepas :

Life-Buoyant:

Like Jellyfish but also a hot air balloon . If ruptured (which is easy to do) pops gas everywhere that brings everything to life that used to be alive , including currently being digested food, leather, dead wood, hair, old bones etc. Things brought to life that have extremely limited mobility options tend to form up with other similar organisms making colony organisms (after flopping around screaming for a bit)

Centaur:

Hoos:

Friendly civilised fellows that look like a metre long horse head walking around on their vaguely manshaped tongue, nose down. Can't talk and walk at the same time you know old chap.

Centipede:

Lunatick

A massive flea which jumps to the moon. 

Cerebral parasite :

Athletes Feet:

A symbiotic fungus that tries to help out by growing 1d4 limbs to aid in whatever task you are trying to do. They are really good at legs. Doesn't really know how to get rid of the limbs once its grown them for you , out of you

Chimera :

Platonic :

It's an animal , but the perfect absolute version of that animal. After seeing it , regular versions of that animal have a deeply unsettling uncanny valley thing for you, causing nausea,  repulsion, and hives.

Cockatrice :

Eel of the Bone

It's a shy guy that slips inside people and curls around their bones. It's harmless there , what isn't harmless is the amount of things the Eel of the Bone knows and how their dreams tend to leak into other peoples  dreams. 

These dreams also tend to let people very concerned with various questions the Eel knows the answer to get dreams about where the Eel of the Bone currently is.

And  the Eel of the Bone is honour bound to answer 3 questions of anyone who finds it inside someone.

Couatl 

Injustice Crab:

Why this city things an iron crab with a morning star just walking around smashing things helps the crime rate no-one knows

Crab, Crayfish, Crocodile

The cross between these 3 is obviously a walking warmachine-mulcher.

The opposite of that is 

Candy Bird:

It's a small bird made of candy that wants you to eat it. If you do all your children will be overly large violent goons.

Demon :

Harmoney 

The opposite of Demons is going to good natured household gods. . They move into a home, house or abode and make it better and harmonious. Except they are from the wrong dimension so it's not good at all.

-- Demogorgon 

Archiplex:

This moonfaced mitten wearing fuzzipillar pig makes you your humble home a castle. A fastly vertically , physically impossible castle. All vertical distances are increased 1000 fold. All horizontal distances 20 fold. Outside dimensions remain the same. Archiplex then tends to start inviting all his friends over

-- Juiblex 

Gummy:

Looks like beakless puffin.

Makes microscopic things massive (dust mites, tardigrades, fungal spores) with irregular consistency. Embiggened things tend to get smart enough to form societys but the societys tend to be Lewis Carroll /Frank Baum /Candy Kingdom

-- Manes

Doug

Like a pinecone of noses, but dumber. Does the dumbest thing possible in any particular moment

-- Orcus

Jiffyup:

Like a beetle made from alien sex toys but the aliens are prudes . Proceeds to improve everything that could be understood as a tool . Improved tools function as 1d6 other tools, roll when use to determine which tool-function happens

-- Succubus

Vix: A hairy spring man. Sews hair seeds , making surfaces grow thick deep fur , hair, or antenna. 

-- Type I (Vrock) 

Chum:

A snail made of smiles! Alternates between making vast hearty feasts out of formerly inedible objects and just chasing down and eating people (Chum calls this the "washing up")

-- Type II (Hezrou) 

Goss: 

An luminous translucent inchworm with hand puppet face. Finds people and returns their things. 78% of the time it's things you deliberately got rid of like diseases, cursed objects, hunting animals, hair, feces etc.

-- Type III (Glabrezu) 

Fuhuhu:

A tongue flower. Gives useful advice for someone not quite you.

-- Type IV (Nalfeshnee, etc.) 

Zg:

A snake on assorted wheels. What fun. Not fun at all. Digs holes through space linking  your home to places you really wish it wouldn't

-- Type V (Marilith, etc.) 

 Mary Poppins. It's Mary Poppins

-- Type VI (Balor, etc.) 

Amylnam

Someone who looks like your dad.

The first thing you kill in house occupied by Amylnam is always Amylnam. He looks so disappointed .

-- Yeenoghu (Demon Lord of Gnolls) 

The Mister :

Mister is very thin and she has long sharp nose. She means good , as she teaches all the animals to talk and think. It's your own fault if they then slaughter and eat you though

ELEMUNTALS , Goop

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the definition of elements changes with time .

  How or why and if theory creates the facts or facts just wander around their own is a question without any definite , or, more importantly , an interesting answer at this time.

The elemental planes exist outside of time so when one them shifts into the official canon it retroactively inserts itself so it's always been that way.

If the elementals are aware of this , their massive sense of importance will prevent them admitting it.

Anyway Elemuntals are elementals for things that are not going to see an inclusion in anyones understanding of the fundamental nature of things anytime soon. 

                                    GOOP

Jun seo Hahm

Goop is the stuff that appears on a kitchen bench in a damp flat. Goop is anything with questionable providence. It's not quite from something alive or previously alive , it's too gross to just be a product of minerals and water, you kinda want to smell it but you really don't.

While slime is happily a lurking acid, a life that has hunger and nothing more complicated that that, a comrade of disease and corruption, goop is just.. there.

It lacks purpose, it lacks hunger , it wanders in and out of the properties of animate and inanimate .

It erodes boundaries however. It can and will split up into distinct entities and recombine them later.

Maybe into 2 goop elemuntals maybe all but one will burst into regular goop.

It's only dangerous when it touches you ,decides it is you or is part of you , tries to move past you or generally gets in the fucking way.

Its temperament is vague, confused, slightly anxious, and muddled.  Like someone deliberately being dumb to get on your nerves but also with the impression that it will burst into tears.

The effect of touching it :

1.  Confused location , as a Blink spell until they look at a map
2. 1d4 major organs and possessions switch functions, so their hat is responsible for their blood moving around they body
3.Random limb becomes independent and develops its own personality. Until it gets a name.
4. A chuck of flesh wanders off somewhere. 5 hitpoints worth. Eat it if you want that back.
5. Player of character struck now controls Goop Elemuntal. Player to their left controls their character.
Lasts until someone drops a die or knocks something over.
6.Damage done to character also comes out of their exp. Lasts until some other too-clever mechanic messes with their exp as well.
7. All worn possessions become part of body. Lasts until they paint themselves so they look nude.
8. Random possession melts becomes part of Goop Elemuntal. Goop Elemuntal gets its properties
9. Goop Elemuntal gains 1d10 of your hitpoints.
10. You gain 1d10 of the Goop Elemuntals hitpoints
11. You gain its memory of the last 2 days.  People tend to remember the Goop Elemuntal in the background in memories of you from now until basically forever.
12. It disappears in them and reappears an hour later

BLUE DRAGON

Print PDF So newsflash this got down. Weee. I remembers thing to myself , wahey, dragons, I will pay much attention to the little idiosyncratic features that have been passed down the years to define each dragon type as its on, like the green dragons crest or the red dragons has-lots-of-horns. Now I realized, as with..all areas of my life, I don't actually rarely care, and as long as they look horrible and/or adorable and shit, I will feel a brief hint of achievement before default setting resumes.

Reindeer, reindeer, reindeer
I caught one of your horns
And even if it rains here
It's much worse in the north

And you move like shadows
In the dark
And you glitter and you glimmer
And you bark

Hooves light as feathers
The sleigh this year is heavier
I thought we'd reached Warszawa
But we are stuck in Vasa

And Santa he is faster
This house must be the last now
And we follow mister Santa
To the end

And we follow mister Santa
To the end
And we follow mister Santa
To the end
And we follow mister Santa
To the end
And we follow mister Santa
To the end