Sunday, 28 June 2015

Secular creation myths for your campaign

Print Friendly Version of this pagePrint Get a PDF version of this webpagePDF

1
, the Urschleim, turned out to be nothing more than mud from the ocean floor
          there is ooze that is the inbetween living and not living. If true it can be used to animate shells, allow the dead to impersonate the living , and unite everything in screaming consciousness



2

It is a dream to awake the sleeper is to be destroyed or be revealed?

3

It is an experiment in progress. Could it not be better to show the power of evil in this world so the next world will be made with it much reduced?



4
Consciousness is the result of Entropy. Increased Entropy is the result of Consciousness. Etc. The more things pass the more things awake. The end will be a screaming cacophony in the void




Tuesday, 26 May 2015

DISPLACER KLAUS STRANGLING A UNBORN WORLD

Print Friendly Version of this pagePrint Get a PDF version of this webpagePDF HO HO HO IT IS THAT TIME OF YEAR WHERE I, DISPLACER KLAUS, ARRIVE TO GIVE YOU ALL THE TABLES YOU EXPLICITLY STATED NOT TO WANT



Treasure tables with +1 swords and whatnot.

 1. Several geese in their crops are tiny knights with +1 swords. Their crests are known and they are missing
2. Chest of Rich Rich Rich soil and a +1 sword with a unblemished severed hand clutching it
3. A pool of glass eyes and a +1 sword at the bottom
4. Mercury coloured honey with a +1 sword stuck in it
5. 30 metres of red coral chain wrapped around the +1 sword it joins at the pommel
6.Rare and difficult papers. one with diagrams on how to fold it into a plus one sword


I once saw a table that told you the outcome of a night on the town.
1. You are on the moon
2. You are a new moon
3. You have a tattoo of the moon
4. The moon has send for you
5.You are now in world similar to the one you were but there is neither you or the moon here
6.You know what the moon knows now and forever


Trait/ideals/bonds/flaws.
1. Shirmery
2.Tattymount
3.Giserly
4.Dungtickled
5.Fizzit
6.Bungad



Moderate feelings, i.e. Slightly bored, a bit happy etc
1.Coyly immolated
2.Discretely infantile
3. Tepid disdain
4. Reserved regurgitation
5. Misdirected Apotheosis
6. Apathetic Pig burial

A table where all results are either boring or fatal, with nothing in between.

1. Volcano
2. A cupboard
3.. Lahar
4. Under a bush
5.Lard Tsunami
6.A small cloud

Uninteresting subdivisions of a thing, esp. with no elucidating information.

1 Aristatus
2. Mucronatus
3. Cuspidatus
4.Cirrhosus
5.Pungens
6.Setosus
7. Piliferus
8.Apiculatus
9. Uncinatus
10. Rostratus
11. Acutus
12. Acuminatus
13. Obtusus
14 Obtusus cum acumine
15 Retusus
16 Emarginatus
17. Tuncatus
18 Praemorsus
19 Tridentatus.
20. Hebatatus

YOU COULD LIE DOWN FOR AWHILE PEOPLE WILL THINK THERE IS REASON FOR THIS

Magic swords
1.No-one will Remember it
2. Is Falling Still
3. Has failed its purpose. Thrown out of forever
4. Wakes the fake alive
5.The excrement of a star
6.To wield is to be the rightful ruler of a small pond
7. Suspicious Shovel like
8. Makes a noise like grinding teeth. Weirdly inconstant volume



Dragons
1. The everdevouring eel of the black pig waste. Like a black dragon but rubberey and tiny limbs and it has seven heads and they have consecutively eaten (and can regurgitate ) each other
2. The glistener. A horrible mantis thing like a sun dew plant
3. Moon's Spit. Like seeing a close up of a butterfly face while having a really bad time on a trip. Has a 1000 wings like fairy made flensing knives
4. The Thing At The End. It's at the End of The World. It's too large because it is too close to you and its breathe is your breath and its far way it fills up the horizon.
5.The King Of Poison. A tiny thing. In the middle of a desert. The desert is there because its there.
6.Skyscraper . All barristeral grace of a vulture, flies on hooks that make the sky bleed, you can see its path when the sunsets

DO YOU KNOW WHO AMONGST YOU IS A WIZARD? HAVE YOU CHECKED? WHAT COLOUR WAS IT? HO HO HO


Boring encounters with dull treasures.

1. Some has shot a dog at you. The dog has a silver collar
2. There is a bandit. They have a gold coin and no legs
3. A wolf is after you. Some has fed it a large pearl
4. 5 goblin pursue . They have long finger nails and diamond dust painted on their faces
5.A horse is lost. It is eating a scroll. The scroll is cursed.
6. A Gargoyle is being boiled in copper

Table of player character names.
1. Doug One Thousards
2. Het Stickly
3. Goob Plaguecart
4.Mina Rotriver
5.Solomon Boron Ray
6.Amulee Marrowbore


AM I HERE? THAT IS A MANY SPLENDORED QUESTION AND WRONG

1d20 types of sneeze sounds

1. Like a hot stone dropped in pond of blood
2. Like a bag of sand being slowly ripped
3. 10,000 leaves being crushed in an instant
4. A dog barking very slowly
5.A a great weight of velvet dragged with haste
6. A wheezy crow faking surprise
7. Like iron sheet being ripped
8. A flat trumpet
9. Someone throwing mud at chicken
10. Someone throwing a chicken into mud
11.A lung exploding in dirt
12. An ice cream related ice cream
13 Soup Freezing
14. A large baby inhaling a moth
15. A spilling of plums
16. A large paintbrush has been set on fire
17. A cactus deflating
18. Horse chuckles
19. A pig eating flour
20. Slapping some livers together


1D10 epic backstories for low HD dungeon mooks.

1. Actually a successfully murderous mirror double spy
2. Contains d4 parts of world shattering weapon. Was custom breed to contain them
3.The quintessential version of them. A walking elemental plane of this 1 hd mook aspect. If given a large enough space will grow until the take up a place as a additional plane and element of the universe
4.A fired dimensional munition , a parallel world has commenced war , using stealth bullets of surreptitious calamity . They think they people but through action or unaction will slowly unweave this world
5.A famous missing hero's amnesia'ed reincarnation (via the spell)
6.Escaped Patient Zero of a time plague
7.Has a dead in the womb twin that will possess their body on death and VENGEANCE
8.Lost empire is shrunk and living on their body
9.Early prototype. Unseen being monitor their live and make adjustments to the new version based on its success or lack there of
10. Super long lived nigh unkillable being , is ironically mooking at the moment

Random encounter tables that include entries for mega-mundane creatures (1d3 parrots) in much vaster quantities than fantastical ones, in some attempt at setting verisimilitude.

1. 500 Hedgehog
2. 4 Salmon
3. 10 tiny Giraffe

A MEMORY IS THE PAST SAYING HEY I USED TO LIVE HERE DON'T LEAVE ME HERE I AM SCARED AND COLD

Random places within forgotten realms. 

1. Volcano
2. A cupboard
3.. Lahar
4. Under a bush
5.Lard Tsunami
6.A small cloud


Table of NPC traits.

1. Bright Green
2. Has a umbrella
3. Actually a propped up corpse
4. Now free of parasites
5.Knows 5 words
6.Used to Shrink
7.Has hidden in a chimney
8.Poised

Thursday, 14 May 2015

teeth

Print Friendly Version of this pagePrint Get a PDF version of this webpagePDF Uses for teeth

1.bullets

2.houses

3.secret rooms

4.drills

5. eyes

6. castles

7. whimsical companion

8. thought pin


Guns with teeth:

1. the standard semiliving one that shoots teeth like bullets. Looks like a Fiji mermaid or a Jenny Haniver
2. Also living. Like a half melted nautilus prototype. Half in this dimension half in an overlapping one. Has a radula in the other dimension but can use it on things in this dinmension , though it wouldn't be visible only the horrible damage it is doing. There is a spacial refraction  between the 2 dimensions and the tongue bore down  where the gun is pointed. Basically it works like a hitscan weapon.

3. A long rotten canine , the rot shaping it crudely like a gun. It shoots rot. Or rather things rot when the gun is upon them

4.Bone and rusted bloodwet mechanism. Like a jack in the box you wind the handle and a megladon tooth on the end of chain springs out to about 10 metres. The chain is threaded with similar smaller teeth. Twisting a knob releases the remaining kinetic energy causing the chain to flail around as it retracts fucking everything up in a swathe as it reloads. Some versions come with a music box inside so you can tell when the handle is nearly wound up. It plays backward when you wind it up and forwards (and speed up) when it comes back.

5. It's cookie cutter shark mouthed black tube with a discrete handle. You squeeze just so and it gnaws at the air, leaving a slight greasy blur. Then you can later squeeze again and it will latch and gnaw furiously at the spot , hooking anything there firm until it has eaten out a neat hole.

6. It's a greasy kludge of fused bone and teeth. You point it at people and it sucks the bones out of them and onto itself.

7.A thing made of clay like wind instrument made by someone who is afraid of wind instruments and was meant to be making a gun described to them by a child. Shooting it (point and whistle) makes a wind slow rise out of it and then quickly snick forward with a ripple of metre long teeth rising and falling from the ground in a cascading wave

8.This one looks like early flint lock, the stock and the barrel cracked and repaired with silver and gold. Black string hangs off it with holed teeth clacking on them. It fires completely silently but if you fail to collect and string teeth from anyone you shoot with it the gun will explode next time it is fired. It can be repaired though with silver and gold melted down from filings being the cement needed


Especially Exciting Places to Find Teeth:
(skipping the obvious Vagina Dentata )

1.Pockets, Hats, Gloves
2.Books
3.Fruit
4.Clumps of hair
5.Pillows
6.Candles
7.Cannons
8.Murals

Some Teeths: (click through for source)






Thursday, 16 April 2015

ELEMUNTAL

Print Friendly Version of this pagePrint Get a PDF version of this webpagePDF

I don't know what these are yet but I have 4  5 pictures and I will work out what they are by the end of this post.





DIREGG


It is a ball bearing from the Great Machines that has contemplated its redundancy too long.
It lives in the dark corners of The Machine and will attempt to maintain itself with the parts of others but also organize an revolution against the vile hypocrisy of the machine. It can grind away at physical laws as well as eat you. Might be lurking inside a large enough creature trying to pass itself off as an organ or a cancer







ABORERCE

A creature like a floating brain of rotten stone that glides in with the apocalypse. It drifts down after the main big noise armys and dark forces and plants its trunk and extends its roots which start tugging away at all the small things that make the world the world. An agent of Apoptosis.


ULMTINE
They come in 2 s and threes . Polite little fellows of black stone and gentle shining faces. They come to the disasters and the ends of things and they offer to go back and time and change one minor thing that just happened in exchange they will observe quietly , watching discretely as everything pretty much pans out the same way as it just did.


GROON 
When ruins have become less than even that , the Groon might be found there. They drift in the silence and will explain to you what you are seeing , acting like a tour guide or temporal guide dog, telling you all the things that you would see if you could see back in time. However they start in past tense and start referring to things in present tense and then start seeing you as part of the long gone bustling city-scape, and narrating all the things you should be doing.  If you defy this mummery they will become agitated and try repeating themselves louder and louder. Eventually they just might have to swallow you where you will be shrinking and failing forever


DRIGE
A being like a slime colony or metaphysical lichen that slowly grows  itself over anything it can and makes it worse in every way. An area effected by it is a  world made of brittle , half baked , shit cake made of shit that looks boring and shitty. The slime colony is extremely intelligent  and insightful however and possibly knows the weakness and flaw to everything. While communicating with it involves some kind of weird shit telepathy or metastructural empathy, it is happy to trade information for propagation. It prefers to be spread to areas with the potential to become something great. It's not malignant , just hungry.



So apparently those things were elementals based of the Kübler-Ross model

Number 1 is a sculpture by Arnaldo Pomodoro, 2 is painting by Zdzisław Beksińsk and 3 is by Lynn Chadwick

Sunday, 8 March 2015

You Can Buy This Book Now

Print Friendly Version of this pagePrint Get a PDF version of this webpagePDF Fire On The Velvet Horizon softcover is live on lulu now





and to fill up the rest of the post is me interviewing Patrick



What was the most fun bit of this? The least fun? Which piece of
writing are you like AWYEAH?




I think the most fun was having a good idea for the silly ones like the Thug Bug and the SailSnail, sometimes when you (I) have a funny idea I smile to myself and am very pleased with the ridiculousness of it. Writing the Paladins Of The Fall was good because it felt automatic, like something else was coming out through me and I was pleased with how it turned out. The Umbra-Technical elemental I was happy with because I looked up and realised I had been writing for two hours and usually its hard for me to write for one.





The least favourite, probably the monsters that just wouldn't turn out right like the first few of the Umbra-Technical, or the ones where I din't really listen to you to begin with, or just the times I didn't listen to you.

HAHaha You must always listen me because I am wise and kind and sting-riddled
Was there any art that never got a monster that you wish it did? Also favourite name?



Towards the end you did a bunch of really good ones that we didn't have room for. 135 140 143 144 145 are all good.








Horolognomon took a lot of fiddling to get and I am quite proud of it.



Are you jealous that I came up with Boa Constructor?


Of course, its an excellent name and I should have thought of it.


Would you consider expanding this into a whole gazetteer?
Like a thing for the world? Not now certainly. I quite like it the way it is as it provokes use and mystery and makes people build it in their heads. I would only do a larger thing if we could do something original with it.



A decent gazetterer though with maps, costumes, ecosystems , useable and graspable city info could be quite original though. Maybe it could be a split writing project? <Might redact this question>



I would be happy to split the writing with you, thought that would be a little unfair since you would still be doing the art. Also we would need to work out a method and structure so we don't tear each others skin off.



We should do stats for it sometime. What system is it most likely to
be the most useful for you? I might do 52 page rule book or Feng Shui
or Old School Hack. Yeah. But what would you use? Like personally how
much mechanics is needed for you to use this in a game? How much do
you wing it mechanically?


Basic LOTFP stat line, some simple mechanics and some cool treasure is all I need.



Favourite source of cool treasure material?


Hmm, I like the silks of the Picceous Puccoon, but probably one we haven't done yet, like what is in the @orn Owl nests? Or the strange chests of the Boa Constructor?



Which of these monster drawings are you getting tattooed on you? Would
you trust me to do it? What about if I sourced and made the ink and
needle from all natural ingredients?






Probably none of them, I pussied out of getting my latest tattoo. Maybe the Fuse Meister and no you are not sticking needles in me, that will be done in a secure environment by a professional. I do things by the book.



I will give you a deadline to get a tattoo and if you don't make it then I will do it. I'm getting a perceptive dog or a bedlam bird or something else dunno

I am very afraid that you might actually do that



So the art. Which of these monster would you be keen as to see drawn
in a more developed style by me? I doubt I'll do it but just asking.
Which monster would you most wanna see drawn by an artist that you
know from the DIYWURLD? Which monster would you most wanna see drawn by any artist ever, except maybe not future artists because google can't reach forward in time yet. (Note to do google corp. Never do
this. Also stop work on facial recognition searches. It's only going
to help cops and stalkers.)






By you I think the Xaxavraznazak, he was so pleasingly mental I want to see what you would do with him.



diywurld: I would like to see Zak take on a Boa Constructor in its palace, he would like that because its all built things and no organic forms except the snake. (No hot girls though...)




all artists: Either Leonora Fini doing a scene of the Umbra Technical Elemental in human form interacting with someone like this












Or Joseph Wright of Derby doing the Eclipse Lich








I agree with all of that. There could be a hot girl getting armour fitted by the Boa Constructor though?


Sure, its a bunch of metal amazon's naked in the mouth of a giga-snake, getting felt up and armoured while the snake looks pensive.



What is the next TRANSCENDENTAL MONOLITH you are planning to ERECT on
the psyspace of DIY RPGDOM now that this here for all to weep and
praise? (Like I personally know, but for the gibbering hordes at
home)?





Well, I have this quartet of adventures planned. DCO was the first, the second would be Broken Fire Regieme, the next something about storms and piracy and the last about the sea and dreams. One for each element. But as you know, I am having trouble creating at the moment so we will have to see.



I'm sure you be struck by inspiration or wrench it out of thy self with force and merit.
How could would a hardcover set of all 4 be? In a slip case or something





It would be very could would if I or we ever get it done.

Tuesday, 3 March 2015

Teaser page for Fire on the Velvet Horizon

Print Friendly Version of this pagePrint Get a PDF version of this webpagePDF So it's pretty much done. Just some final fuckery now with cover font sizes and shifting a thing to the left or right a bit.
"Wait what is done?"

Fire on The Velvet Horizon

It's a book of monsters, 100ish to be exact. The original seed for it was me asking Patrick if he would like to write monsters based on pictures , as a whimsical little experiment in reversing what had been happening for the Pariahs of Creation.
At some point he decided 100 was a good achievable number and it kinda balloon into a bit more of thing than was previous envisioned. Anyway the process involved a screaming horde of half developed drawings, sketchs, doodles, scrawls and marginalia being set at him and him them gestating whatever took residence in his head. I was often surprised at what grabbed him and where it took him.

So the book. The layout was done more or less by hand, the drawings are violent and out of my responsibility , it looks like nothing else around right now . It looks like this:

If you think that is something that exites you so much , then great.
If you have developed several twitches at it, then like, go peruse everything else in the world

It will be able for sale in about 3-4 days on lulu. So right now I'm just kinda fucking with you. Or making sure you are all Informed Customers.


Monday, 23 February 2015

Statement plus SECRET WAR BEE PRINCESS

Print Friendly Version of this pagePrint Get a PDF version of this webpagePDF

 first a statement :
http://dndwithpornstars.blogspot.co.nz/2015/02/were-not-playing-d-with-escapist-ever.html

Zak said that. I agree with him. That guy is a dick.  I am trans and its extremely unlikely I would be in this hobby if it wasn't for his blog. I am in his personal circles and have never seen a harassment campaign , transphobia or whatever else he is being accused of. If anyone who thinks they are a supporter of Zak has maliciously contacted someone he has spoken about, they have done against his express statement not to. Also they are a fucking dick and I would love to know their name so I can exclude them from civil interactions.



I decided to test out this adventure generator I may of had a hand in making (along with Ian Johnston and Joey Lindsey)
Like try and make words around its words



A bee princess who is seeking redemption in the heedy booze of secret war and is sick of playing second string in a time that land forgot.

Back Story
okay so the bee princess is a member of these people that start looking human but can become more and more bee like as they get old and also depending on what weird pollen vomit they eating. They have secret underground hives where some of them remain human and go about on bee people business (normally trading all the narcotic, mummifying and medicinal honeys they make) while some are feed the necessary concoctions to become big terrifying bee warrior ladys , while others are neglected to keep as lower workers. The queen is huge and terrifying etc. The bee people who I will call Attendants of Flower or the Attendants try to keep all the weird body horror and disturbing side effects of drug honey hidden because they are heavily reliant on nearby cities use and unuse of lands for flowers.


Any Azurely Pickling is a Attendant princess but she was flighty and wild and neglected her royal duties  (diplomacy, being possibly next in line for the queen , making good with other nobles) and off loaded a defective load of honey on a small town to make some money on the sly when her soiree budget was curtailed. It caused horrible mutations and suffering and the Pickling hive promptly burned the place town and made it look like a neighbouring kingdom did a raid. Which has made a near war happen. 

So Azurely is now in the big city, while being officially exiled and marked for death , unofficially is moving new, more experimental, honey drugs into the city and doing hits on rival Attendants and generally real politik on behalf of her hive.

Wait "time that land forgot" . Ummmmm ....That's the nickname of the City she is in, aka Roaming. It's a big anachronism stew and has roving feral and canny pipe beings in the sewer that have Sand flowing through them which is magic and timey and can be made into disintegration powder , unrust dust , youth potion etc


The Happening 
Azurely has decided to get real ambitious and is going to get a Timepipe addicted to drughoney and then control time. She has worked out the drughoney, tested it, and is now going to follow a crude map to ambush and capture one.

You Are Heres:
The new drughoney she has made has been tested on things normally not affected by it ; so gargoyles , golems and constructs. There are now packs of drughoney crazed gargoyles that have a bounty on them attacking people for their suspected drughoney. If given or offered drughoney they will give information readily , describing a well dressed hairy human (actually a gorilla) who gave them the original supply.

Some wizards have lost their golems and automatons and want them back. Azurely has them hooked on the sweet sweet thickjuice.

Also the town she fucked up has some refugees that have recognized her from the street. They are bugparted beggar people so nobody listens to them but they have staked her out and will try and point the party at her if they don't think the party is buglovers

Azurely might enlist the party themselves catching the Timepipe. She is ambitious , but not crazy, and ruthless, but not malicious so. So better than most people you could work for. She is especially happy to hire people that are heavy drughoney users.

If the party are seeking a Timepipe and researching methods  themselves they might get wind of her scheme or run into her or an agent of hers researching it.

The party could run into her in the sewers with her crew as a random encounter



The Potentials
She and her goons and golem addicts eventually track a Timepipe in the sewer and snare it.
If she gets it back to her base she will get it addicted and semiloyal in 2 weeks. IF it gets loose (she has been pretty reckless lately and it wouldn't take much more information to get a rival Attendant drug cabal or the Civic authoritys to find her and raid the place. IF this happens the Timepipe will get loose. Adventurers helping her fight off a raid or recapture the Timepipe will have an ally for life. Unless she finds out they set the thing up..) IF the Timepipe gets loose and stays loose for 1d12 days it will get all the Timepipes addicted and crazyed and the entire city of Roaming will have a complete chrono meltdown and turn into one big time damaged reality warping ruin and destabilize the entire area. So that is fun.
IF she has control of the Timepipe she will , over the next month, take control of the entire city and start a new super hive of chrono bee people and will become a vast power if her recklessness and impulsiveness don't get her so much enemy that they form an alliance to take her down.


Locations That Might Have a Fight in Them:

A drughoney den

A clandestine library

The dinosaur and Cambrian Fauna and space bacteria plagued Sewers

Her hideout  , a former church. Lookouts are on the steeple, the stained glass windows have been boarded up.



Self Actualizing Shenanigan Units
Azurely Pickling:
A brash black haired brawler. Makes decisions quickly. Dressed in leathers with a discrete bustle. 

picture from here  http://www.danieljoelnewman.com/projects/nematocyst/


Capable of violently prolapsing her womb into a 3 foot long venomous stinger (the stinger on bees + rest of hymenptera is a modified ovipositor, hence why only the females sting.)  Unlikely to use this, as it's awkward as hell and destroys various expensive garments and it can take some time to relapse it, all the while walking around like an exaggerated cowboy. She is strong enough to rip it intact from a body though (despite the barbs and unlike most honey bees)

Otherwise a mid level fighter with poison and drug resistances and can see ultra violent.

She will have 1d6+1 weak golems and/or constructions and/or automations at her hide out or with her in the sewer.

Azurely's Goons:
80/20 female to male. Wear layers of dirty petticoats and have a tiara shaped scar on forehead. Name of gang is Dethroner Moxy 

Loyal, mostly competent crims with bee parts.
Treat as 1-2 level fighters and thieves
Bee Parts:
1. Eyepatch conceals compound eye. Eye (when uncovered) gives Advantage to see through illusions and detect hidden stuff
2.Can vomit up half digested honey , causes minor acid damage and save or confusion
3. Natural chitin armour , hidden under rags. Counts as chain
4. Long thick erect black hairs. Advantage at sensing movement
5. Arm conceal in sling is a mangle of bone , barb , and chitin. Like someone broke their arm and tried to fix it with random pieces of bee leg and didn't really know what a human arm or a bee leg looked like. Advantage on first attack because of its surprising speed and reach. Does damage as an axe and has Advantage at disarming weapons
6. Does not feel pain. Will not drop until negative their max hitpoint total
7.Can release from weird pulsating bee mouths on neck. Phermones making everyone else with bee parts more angry. Affect will have advantage against morale checks and any attempt to make them afraid or not angry
8. Knee spurs , poisonous . Needs to be in a grapple to use. Concealed under petticoats 


Use harpoons, poison hooked lines, nets, glue bombs, and claw hammers


Squa:
Squa is burned out show girl who inherited a bar after the Azurely killed the owner. She is loyal but will turn if she can see away of having a more secure future. She has a blunderbuss stuffed with poisonous fishhooks under the bar and will not hesitate to draw on anyone looking intimidating. She has a nervous laugh , a habit of looking off into the distance like she is looking for something she knows isn't coming . While Squa does not directly deal drughoney , Azurely will drops it  off here herself , once or twice a week. It will be hidden in a false bottom in empty barrels and an intelligent well dressed gorilla (James) will pick it up under the guise of delivering new booze. The Dethroner Moxy will not be seen near this tavern, but will follow up threats or attacks to it.


James
James is a well dressed intelligent gorilla (gorillas and humans look the same to gargoyles). He has refinement , expensive tastes , and moderate ambitions with little way of securing them, so is currently working as a delivery gorilla for a brewery and sells honeydrugs through the staff. The owner of the brewery is unaware of this


Timepipes:

Also called Chronoeels, Whoopy Snakes.
Look like that thing in Donnie Darko that came out of his chest. Fast, flightly. 
Can teleport every half hour.
Verdigris copper will hold in their flesh (Azurely knows this and if her crew is in the sewer their harpoons and hooks will be this. As well  the golems will be studded with barbed verdigris hooks) , nothing else can hold them (free action)
If wounded; shining sand will spill out of them inflicting a random effect in a 3 metre area around them (save allowed) Durations as the relevant spell of whatever edition you are using. If caster level needed use hitdice of the Timepipe

1. Haste as the spell but you age a year a round. Long lived creatures age 100 per round.
2. Slow as the spell
3.One random item is effected by the disintegrate spell
4. Ethereal on alternate rounds (duration) 2d12 rounds. If you become unetheral in an object you will die and then your corpse will continue to phase in and out for the rest of the duration.  The Timepipe can hit ethereal creatures
5. Held, as the spell
6. Maze, as the spell but half duration.

Otherwise treat as a half strength purple worm. Swallowed opponents will age as per the haste attack. It can spit out a swallowed opponent at speed. Treat as a reverse gravity spell in the direction of the spit for damage for struck walls or other people. Upon impact a cloud of sand will effect a 2 metre area around the spat out person. After leaving its stomach you the g.m has to answer one question of your choice as you got to look at the world outside time as the sand grinds you to your base components. (Disintegration damage)

They can hold people in their belly without inflicting damage if they want to.


  Azurely plans: She has a crude and vague map to a location where a Timepipe is sure to teleport to. She will ambush it, subdue it , and then inject it with drughoney to establish a telepathic connection and get it all loved up. Then when its teleport has recharged , teleport back to her hideout and proceed to get it domesticated. 
The ambush will have the golems grapple the worm with her goons leading help as is safe (staying out of range of the sand).
Other names for drughoney:
thick juice
brainooze
sting
buzz
black tickler
dew

Legal drughoneys will have the following effects depending on vintage and dose:
Empathy, very minor telepathy, euphoria, drowiness, dreaming in new colours, Synthesia  , heighten tactile and olfactory senses

Illegal drughoney will have the following effects depending on vintage and dose, will little to no regulation

Increased energy and sleepiness, mood swings, mutations, inability to digest non-pollen foods, pain resistance and aggression, obedience, pica (object eating), and extreme versions of all the ones listed under legal