Wednesday 5 July 2017

THe Remaains of the Joke

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Here is the rest of them. WHAT? see here and here and here and here
It's looking at the monsters and making up a reverse of them and occasionally it's great.
It's so good it's nearly distracting Arnold from his dutch smiting.

THE ORIGIN STORY OF ARNOLD K
(he's both the merman and then hubris of the dutch)


Dwarf 
Grobby: A funny little guy that pops out from a hole in ground and offers to craft a single mundane object for modest price . The object is actually a cluster of eggs that hatch in 6 months into something like a rotary drill bit mole-rat. If confronted about this fact a Grobby is upfront about yes , that's going to happen , would you like a discount? 
After hatching these attempt to drill into back into the earth , spiralling through any intervening structures (though they get disoriented if up more than a story and can do a lot of damage before they work out where down is. The eventually adult form of these looks something like a massive starnose mole, with the very tip of its nose forming the "funny little guy"

Eagle, giant 
Wig vulture:
Why would anyone want massive wig with vultures living on top of it , constantly chewing on bones? Because one does not want to appear to be an oik

Ear seeker:
Sneeze ghost :
You know how when you sneeze , people try and cast spells on you , supposedly  for your own good?
That's because a small crap version of you made of snot can escape and they are trying to stop it escaping or possibly capture it. The point is you don't want a snot-you blabbing confused versions of your secrets to someone, so always check your hanky after sneezing for one, and if necessary grab that struggling mucus boy and force him back in



Eel 
-Mossyguy
It's a little cute pangolin with moss growing on it that has little naps. There's a lot of these to do that are animals and it's gonna be pangolins

Efreet 
-Snowball
it's a little snow guy that shows up to help you when your are lost in the snow. It's basically useless though but boy does it mean well

Elemental 
,well I did these?  I think they might of corresponded to the 5 stages of grief?  Oh and these okay one more Dismantal : elementals from stuff that doesn't exist.
Not even plausible stuff like glass, these are KnifeFoam (like pumice but polymorphous and sharp) , Bugparts (bugparts) ,  Grot (stains that possess everything) Pissance (Like Rotten Cloth and dog noses) moving on


Elephant : 
I'm remembering this shitty kids joke about why are elephants big, grey and wrinkly ? Well if they were small, white and smooth they would be an asprin . No , the opposite of an elephant is a Flea-Knight , it's a little flea dude the size of a raisin that has the strength and durability of a regular knight, but as it's concentrated down it can kinda jump through your head

Elf 
I feel like it's Shameful beast from the Ramanan-Sivaranjan-Awards-for-Excellence-in-Gaming winning book Fire on the Velvet Horizon now available in hardcover

Ettin 
Hecatoncheires


Eye of the deep 
Mouth of the sky
a jelly bag splitting open into a hooked mouth, the mouth opening and opening into a peeling back over itself to reveal the same grinning bag form. Hypnotic to watch. Sometimes planar wars dump strange machines and dying beasts out of the sky, and there's only so much time before Mouth of the sky come and eat it to nothing. Maybe a defense system of a plane, a clean up crew of another plane, or dominate scavenger roused only for these "whalefalls" 
Flightless bird 
Cloud lice
it's like a louse but cute (and the size of a dog) Clouds have them and sudden weather changes can strand them on land. They are intelligent and resourceful and will set about making some connivance or contraption to get them into the sky."You help is very much appreciated good sir, I just need 12 metres of cow tendon more , I can repair you once I'm home, you see I fell out of the cloud without my purse"


Frog, giant 
Pademelon :
look your players won't know what this is, just use one.

Fungi, violet, + some other fungi slimes etc
Crystal Grot:
Various types of crystals that grow on you like fungus, pulling emotions out of you to form themselves.


Gargoyle 
Freckle swarm. They live on you like fish swimmin aroun

Gar, giant 
Raggling, a rotten cloth cat. Adorable , but smelly. Bad at basically everything

Gas spore 
Spike snake
It looks like a deadly spike but it's a harmless snake holding itself straight. Except for its poisonous bite , that it's trying to save for bats.


Gelatinous cube 
Chainchomp
a bitey ball on a chain that you can use like a dog or a flail

Ghast 
Parasitic skin cream
it's good for you , except it wants you to eat babys

Ghost 
arsehole future baby
a floating psychic baby that claims it's descended from you and needs you to do stuff but not other stuff. Prob lying.


Ghoul 
Boneflower
Hermit crabs that use bones as shells and clinging together in flower shapes for inscrutable purposes 

Giant
lilliputians
you know, those guys

Gnoll
Flower people
They are flowers but walking around being pretty vague. You could reskin myconid even. That sounds pretty excited huh?


Gnome
Needley dee
A skinny little traveling tailor waspy person that can sew things together or shut to defend itself.

Goat, giant 
Spring loaded pocket goat

Goblin
talking hats



Golem 
people that have been shaped into furniture or tools and are still alive and feeling bad about it I imagine


Gorgon 
Oasis Giraffe of Kindness
A gentle giraffe cactus that creates oasises will it selps

Gray ooze 
Quartz Speckle
sucks out despair ! you become foolishless happy while all these crystals burst from your flesh

Green slime 
Ruby Jagger
sucks out peace! Red spiked fury man

Griffon 
2 legged walking horse


Groaning spirit (Banshee)
The Good Boy
The best dog that everyone is happy to see

Halfling 
Joyless Grey Man
A horrid little hair-eater, like a corpse made of lint with disappointing raisins for eyes.

Harpy
Canarywife
it's a happy little bird that shows up in your life and helps you get your shit together. Like personal trainer but an abusive magical bird 


Hell hound
Joy-pig
this is lucky pig


Herd animal 
Questing BEast
Legendary animals that there are just one of and sometimes are responsible for everything being bad and sometimes responsible for everything being good. Hearts often associated with cures.

Hippocampus
Puffer fish protective helmet


Hippogriff
A centipede made of guns

Hippopotamus
Skinless ghoul otter
  
Hobgoblin
Living Bubble



Homunculus 
Dreamegg
it's an egg that will hatch something you dreamed about, but you are never sure which aspect of your dream is gonna hatch

Horse 
Barrier Beast:
a giant bear that sleeps alot and blocks roads

Hydra 
Running Snake:
fast and powerful


Hyena/jackal
Stitcher bird builds nests on people



Imp  
Jiminy cricket , or a disappointment giant


Intellect devourer 
superfist! s u p e r f i s t

Invisible stalker  
Neon-eye-destroyer
something  so bright it can burn your eyes clean out of head baby


Irish deer  
Small palm tree man


Ixitxachitl
Mayan Hypno Spines/crystal skulls encouraging head planking



Jackalwere 
someone made of birds like a scarecrow but birds

Big Cat Jaguar:
Super Python 



Ki-rin /Lammasu
Mouse deer with weird granny face that smokes and visits places and every one has to be polite and she asks after everyone's family


Kobold 
Ceiling-Geist; A weird stain being that watches you



Lamia  
Someone with a mouth under their hair

Lamprey
Hair cleaning birds


Larva see demon/devil



Leech, giant 
A feather than sticks itself in you and you think everything you can do is because of the feather

Leprechaun
Agnes the ruiner. Like very old apple in hobnail boots and loves arson



Leucrotta
A peacock mink


Lich  what if Lichs and lions swapped appearances? 

Lizard 
Weird giraffe monkey


Lizard man
skinling wart people

Locathah 
Catfish carpenters


Lurker above 
Diversion, like a generic goblinish koboldish impish thing that shows up and draws attention to itself at the worst possible time


Lycanthrope 
Animal that remembers its past life occasuinally


Lynx giant
parrot dog


Mammoth/mastadon
micro mammoth

Manticore 
mother goose


Masher
sky jellyfish



Medusa  
feel like we kinda did these in velvet horizon, but a lizard made of hands that gives you super bad Pareidolia


Men 
rumour people
everyone almost knows them!


Merman 
people crudely remade to be able to live underwater. 


Mimic 
Cimim
it's a mimic but it always makes itself look like the most of out of place thing it can think of , like a wheel of cheese in ancient tomb or a rotting puppy in a libary


Mind flayer 

The opposite of a mind-flayer is basically every towering nuggety bastard from Fist of The North Star



Minotaur 
Brindle-Fly



Morkoth 
the reason there is so many redundant underwater monsters is most of them are so boring the original creators kept forgotting what had been made already and made something new

Feng-Shui Pangolin


Mule
A balloon

Mummy 
a baby in some kinda weird fucked up womb amber and do you wanna smash it or see what is being done to it?


Naga
See hydra or boa-boys out of Fire on The Velvet Horizon 


Neo-otyugh/ otyugh
Flower-brute
like a shambling mound but with flowers grow on it. Like a garden that can beat you into mulch.

Nightmare
Gorilla O' dreams
it's a Gorilla that can travel in peoples dreams there is so many entrys

Nixie 
Truth-coming-out-of-her-well-to-shame-mankind
but can be any well buddy. Put on the city events tables.

Nymph 
Sheer 
body horror monster that messes with what turns you on. Like it repulse you with it's messed up body but then later you think it's kinda hot and then later nothing else is attractive anymore

Octopus, giant
Tiny star squid

Ogre
Brittleman/Brittleman lanterner
Like tall bone lattice giants, that only defence is the glass shards that they break into when struck. Lonely pilgrims wandering the roads at night , searching for missing stars in the sky . The lanterns have magic lanterns and know prophecies but are loathe to tell people them


Otter, giant
A regular otter than lives in the sewer and occasionally disembowels people via their anus



Owl, giant
this thing


Owlbear
A skinny bear covered in fly wings


Pegasus 
Feet pigs
They have human feet


Peryton
Perching stag women


Piercer 
Balldestroyer , bouncing boulder

Pike, giant
pipe fish


Pixie  
Really loud frogs


Porcupine
Dog that can squeeze under things



Portuguese man-o-war, giant 
Tree horse


Pseudo-dragon 
Ape-wizard


Purple worm
Scribber-pede
It can draw with its legs and make its drawings come to life 



Quasit see imp

Rakshasa
A socrates



Ram, giant 
sheep that are actually just wool

Rat, giant (Sumatran) 
Mouse musician


Ray
barnacle


Remorhaz 
why did these do so much damage?
snow crab


Rhinoceros  
sumobeast


Roc 
bird eating elephant


Roper 
grease tree


Rot grub 
tomato sauce


Rust monster 
Shiner-Snail/cleaner slug:
it eats rust and slowly moves along rusty things cleaning them


Sahuagin   
Eyeless albion cave dolphin

Salamander 
gnome , creepy .Like inner earth aliens


Satyr 
A goat librarian

Scorpion, giant 
Pseudoscorpion, jewellery

Sea hag
Desert stone smith


Sea horse
but can fly


Sea lion   
fuck these things, shark horse

Shadow 
Light ghost, those phospense


Shambling mound 
Bone garden


Shark
Spam


Shedu see lammusu

Shrieker 
recording crystal water



Skeleton  
bile boy
like a jelly baby made of bile



Skunk, giant
Perfumer
a butterfly but magic and evil , i'm getting over this


Slug, giant 
salt-king


Snake, giant 
see walking snake

Spectre
Vector:
a meat shadow that makes you so health you freak out and start seeing through this mortal realm and burn people your eye lasers



Sphinx
Giraffe

Spider 
beaver


Sprite
see pixie

Squid, giant )  
see octopus

Stag see herd animal

Stirge   
blood blimp


Strangle weed 
symbotic flower


Su-monster   
Us-monster

Sylph 
see  Nymph 

Thought eater 
earworm, factchecker, rememoryer

Tick, giant
gas bag



Titan
village god


Titanothere 
the same but cute and small

Toad, giant  see frog
Trapper see lurker
Treantman: 
living streets


Triton the most redundanet monster entry is having 2 other good/neutral races other than mermaids in the book. underwater races are not something you will use a lot of, goodish vague-as races that don't do shit you won't need, and here's boring fish people and boring aquamen. Mermaids you can get murderious, or horrible or more or less fish like and its the best
the opposite of these is a Murderer


Troglodyte
Extrovert 

Troll
The crumbing sage


Turtle, giant 
miniture castle turtle



Umber hulk 
Azure-Flit


Unicorn
Black Phillip


Vampire
Aide



Wasp, giant
Brain bee


Water weird 
a dust storm that follows you round and makes statues of you


Weasel, giant 
wall badger


Whale
sky ribbon

Wight 
see spectre

Wind walker 
Dirt Bird


Wolf 
Dog

Wolverine 
Bumble bee


Wraith
see spectre

Wyvern 
Zilent



Xorn 
Gold Bug


Yeti 
Organ grinder and monkey, both the grinder and the organ are machines




Zombie
Sleeper
people of civilisations that don't exist that are sleeping forever unless you wake them, then they get all confused and sad and possibly try and take over the world



"MAYBE IF YOU DIDN'T LIVE BELOW SEA LEVEL YOU WOULDN'T NEED WOODEN SHOES HAAHAHAHA I'M ARNOLD , ALSO YOU LIVE IN WINDMILLS "


8 comments:

  1. On one hand I feel as if you may have mailed this one in, so I am disappointed.

    On the other hand, it is still the funniest thing I have read this week. Just incredibly droll. So I am grateful and amused.

    On the other hand, it is better than every D&D thing I have ever written combined, so I'm jealous and angry.

    Cheers m8 for this great finish!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I actually was going to tag this with "phoning in" . It still took hours though and I kept putting it off and now it's down

      Delete
  2. If anything is SUPER EXCITING but OH NO ONE LINE , if you comment about it here I might get around to explaining myself

    ReplyDelete
  3. I mean I hate explaining myself but I love making shit up so even odds I guess

    ReplyDelete
  4. spelling mistakes are pretty hilarious right

    ReplyDelete
  5. theory the monster manual is 50% regular animals or giant regular animals and 60% shit that lives under water and then 30% brilliant and 15% oh right that's in there

    ReplyDelete
  6. I mean the dutch are kind of shit

    ReplyDelete
  7. Speculaas yeah I'll give you that. Hopje and salt licorice also good? Shit with way to much almond related filling also also good

    ReplyDelete