Monday, 19 February 2018

I want Rey and Patrick to argue about Crystals

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Patrick hates crystals and Rey is a weeaboo , therefore loves Final Fantasy and Final Fantasy has more crystals than a Rainbow Gathering.

I don't super have a side on this , so I'm just shooting at both sides here:

Here is some reasons crystals are bad:

-Google crystals in art, does your soul not writhe?

-lazy plot devices in weeaboo games

-Infact the ease of making a crystal appear special and potent in video games is prob to blame. Like it's just a vector drawing with the lighting way up and boom it's the groin-sauce of the gods themselves

-Dense association with new ageness, hippies, or soft pastel hipsters.

-Also rich people. Diamonds are shit, no one gives a fuck about your wedding ring Sharon, if you need an expert to tell you That yes This is Worth A lot of Money (as opposed to a cubic zircon or whatever)  But functionally it's the same, then it's fucking stupid . This goes for art too.

-That thing where someone is into crystals but doesn't really believes in them, but kind of ironically believes in them because #selfcare , but really it's them embracing other method which is does nothing and therefore can co-exist of with their identity , which is build around being powerless and ineffectual.

-Magic objects that haven't come off or from a living / not living body and/or look safe and nice .If objects aren't magic because you've driven nails into them and tied a goatsjaw bone covered in pepper and dung , but are glowing and have big gems , you are playing an mmo and we can't be having that sort of thing around here.

Here are some reasons crystals could be good:

 -They could be really , absurdly, spike and sharp.  If you use crystals it should be like nature, and nature is utterly indifferent to you and actually alien to you. Crystals should like they are going to kill you by accident and also you are going to have them break off in you and get into lungs and also you just ruined something that took 1000000 years to form

-Crystals that have a dangerous strangeness, an uncanniness suggested by their very structure. Too long , ordered but in chaotic heaps ways, emerging from other things like mold or fungus.

-Sure crystals forming out of blood or bone is good, but honestly this can still look naff if it's a generic looking purple irregular polygon.

So for a crystal to still be interesting , take something about it and go too far with it.

 image sources


  1. I am gonna be dissapointing and admit not having much of a stake in things either - on one hand I value them as easy visual shorthand and think some of them look pretty cool. On the otherhand, they are more than a little overused and could stand to share the spotlight with other symbols of magic shininess (or anti-shininess, I guess).

    I just like the idea of a feigned bitter internet battle with Patrick in an effort to gently satirize the whole idea of internet battles.

  2. A huge mass of crystal that catalytically incorporates everything (or all of one kind of thing - all sapient life maybe) into itself ice 9 style, you touch it and then it reworks you completely inside and out (spreads fractally, so your friend can chop off your arm to save you) and fuses you into itself. You look like a hi-res reproduction of yourself. Your pals can cut you free and you can wander around but wear gloves and don't hug anyone (no one will want to hug you, you look like an extra in a ps3 game).

  3. Or a crystal that can only break into small identical copies of itself (or same size identical copies of itself maybe), I bet there's a use for that in a dungeon.

    Or (and this isn't something that really needs to be a crystal, it might be better as a weapon or a person) a crystal that, at any given moment, came into being one second ago. Last Thursdayism but only true for this one thing.

  4. This is the only argument about games that will ever matter.