Friday, 9 October 2015

Looke at thee bountyy of Woods

Print Friendly Version of this pagePrint Get a PDF version of this webpagePDF
YOU HAVE SUCCESSFULLY FORAGED A PLANT. IT DOES THAT THING. YAY.
BUT:

1. You have to eat so so much of it. Like half a garbage bag of leaves

2. It is covered in horrible itchy hairs. You don't wanna know what happens if you eat while the hairs are still on it.

3.It smells like hot garbage that some half ate , threw up, and then finished up and shat out. The smell proceeds you!

4.The whole plant looks a creepy crying deer baby. Consuming it means it will show up in your dreams, grow up, and start a creepy deer person family

5. It  distinctively stains everything it comes into contact with. Let's hope it's not illegal or otherwise subject to complicated cultural taboos!

6. Maybe this isn't the right plant. Nah it prob is. Maybe. Wasn't there a poison variant of it? Nah it couldn't be. This will be totally fine.

7. It is so so bitter you will throw up a tooth if you try and eat it too fast.

8. Consuming means your sweat smells remarkably like a mating pheromone to the shittest , largest insect in the area. They will show up and hang around looking disappointed. Eventually something worse will show up and try and eat them.

9. The dose is painfully small and requires an exact and carefully hand  or the effect will be reversed or disastrously magnified .

10. This plant is extremely rare and has a tenuous survival in its native habit. Anywhere else and it will become a farmland destroying superweed . So watch where you poop okay?

11. Reacts badly with alcohol causing narcolepsy or nausea or both

12.  Messes with your sense of taste. Everything tastes completely different. Let's hope no-one feeds you spoiled or poisoned food because you'll have no way of distinguishing it from all the other weird shit going on in your mouth.

13. Requires an arduous process of boiling, soaking, washing, and reboiling or it will cripple you with stomach cramps for days

14. Unrelatedly to what you wanted it for , the dead can now contact you and are showing up in your dreams to pass on messages. Petty , petty messages.

15. The consummation also inflicts a range of minor but unsettling physical ailments : heart palpitations, vertigo, fevers, cold chills, shakes , excessive sweating, and sun sensitivity .

16. For it to be effective you need to smoke it and smoke it hot and hard. So hard that you will have trouble raising your voice for the rest of the day.

17. It's poisonous unless you let it get rotten. Then it's disgusting but not technically poisonous .

18. It's only half as effective if you don't eat all the beetles living in it. They will disperse in all directions when startled and are speedly bastards

19. It's a little chewy. Like.. real chewy. You are going to be chewing on it all day in fact and it will stain your teeth red.

20. Delayed intoxication that kicks in about 2 hours from now for an hour and then all tomorrow. Livers are weird

No comments:

Post a Comment