Unlikely Weapons

Print PDF My camera is borrowed and poorly returned, ie it has not yet.
But I made these not that recently ago and now you can look at shitty webcam pictures of them

I AM A THOUGHT EATER GRR

GRR AM A TROLL

AND I AM ALL WIGHT

YAY PIGGY BACK RIDES (you are a down a level mr troll)

THAT WAS FREAKING EXCITING NO?

Anyway here are some quick weapon ideas for esoteric/exotic/just plain goofy weapons for your sinister underworld raiders or jaded whimsy-knights of a twilight empire of sin and body paint.


THE DANCER
it's a giant spinning top with lacerating ribbons.  About half metre in height, the lacerating ribbons only emerge at when it reaches its range (skilled user chooses up 10 metres away) Exotic training means it always comes back to the trained user. It inflicts 1d8 damage to a 5 foot area (dex save for none) then moves next round to another area ( via scatter diagram) and then returns on the 3rd.
Untrained use means in a complete random direction. If you use it in at least 10 battles you count as skilled in  its use when you gain a level. Or whatever weapon training rules you may or may not have.
Can be used as a Meteor Hammer as well.


other versions include The Nipper which are fist sized spinning tops with razor edges. Resolve a normal attack  (inflicting 1d4 damage) on anyone up to 15 metres away then pick any spot up to its max range where it will explode for 1d8 damage (dex save for none) in a 1.5 metre radius.

and the SMILING CHAIR
which is one big enough to ride on. Riding on it means you move 1d6 metres in a random direction and then 1d6 metres in another direction each round. It inflicts 1d12 damage on anyone in it's path (dex save for none)

MADMAN'S LANCE
I'll be straight with you, this is a weaponized pole for pole vaulting. It is made from something like metal but more like wood, 3 metres long and sharp at the ends, its resilience and flexibility gives it a dangerous snap in the hands of some insane enough to use it on a regular basis. 1d6 piercing or blunt damage at mid range, but 1d8 piercing or 1d10 blunt if used on opponents just within reach. If used to pole vault with, it extends the length and height of the wielder by 5 metres. Attempting to impale someone on landing counts as a charge and additionally the lance does 1d12 (piercing) damage but roll twice and take the best result.

FLYING GUILLOTINE
Counts as thrown weapon and does a d8 damage, but on a natural 20 it does a d20 damage.
A what?
Question; why did Neu not make all their music like that?
I don't know. I really really don't.

SLUNG SHOT:
Basically a rock on a rope. A short section of rope with a heavy object held in place with a monkey's fist knot (or a real monkeys fist because magic)  Either used by swinging it around or coiling it in a tight spiral and then snapping it out. The later use made it very popular as a sudden attack concealed weapon. You can
have all nice all coiled up in a pocket or your sleeve and then snap it right into someones face. Popular with Sailors, Chinese Peasants, and Irish immigrants. Basically anyone  not allowed a real weapon.
Fantasy variants could include dangerous monster organs at the end or just a real monkeys hand that latches onto your face and pulls it off.

DOG GUN
This is a dog warped by strange magics until it looks like a prolapsed tumor  It can shoot forward a harpoon tongue up to 10 metres away. 1d8 damage plus your charisma modifier, coz if the dog likes you it does a better job at attacking things.  You use your charisma modifier instead of your dex to hit stuff as well.
This is assuming you are feeding it, and cooing creepily to it. You are cooing creepily to it aren't you?

GAS POWERED STICK:
This is a club with an implausible engine attached to it. It uses about a litre of gas per 5 rounds of gas powered stick action. It acts as club +1 and you get an additional attack per round.
If petrol is not available it will accept any flammablish liquid(ish) but it become more unstable.
Pure alcohol , meths , turpentine or burning oil means it goes haywire on a 1. Lamp oil or high percentage alcohol means it goes haywire on 1,2  Raw fat, butter, beer, or coconut oil means it goes haywire on 1,2,3
Putting a random potion means it inflicts the effects of wand of wonder upon impact then expodes a round later for 2d8 points of damage in 3 metre area.

Gaspowerstickhaywiretable:
1d8
1:explodes,as above
2:fills the room with choking black smoke, con sav or be stunned, visibility impaired
3:resolve an attack on everyone within reach
4:as above but resolve one on your self as well.
5:Resolve a d4 attacks on yourself
6:Gaspowered stick rockets out of your hand in a random direction , and then explodes on impact.
7.Gaspowered stick emits a puff of smoke in pathetic manner, works never more.
8.As above but 1d6 rounds later roll again on this table.

MERCYS SHADE:
It's a weaponized umbrella, made out of fancy arcane metals. It can be a shield or a staff, you can deflect one projectile with a successful dex save by open it quickly. It also arrest a fall to a gentle descent if held aloft open.

SCREAMING SKULL
It's animate screaming still kinda flesh skull on the end of staff. It screams whenever it is used, which causes a morale check the first time it is used. Damage is a d8+1 from impact and the skull taking bites out of the target.

more post post apoc tables

Print PDF okay so more about post post apoc. This is my go-to setting when I just want to use everything and not do any more world building than "there were technology but you have to sword stuff like dinosaurs and carnivorous cars because radiation".
"Radiation did it" is even more fun than "a wizard did it" because it requires even less explanation.
And by "radiation" I mean "glowing stuff that breaks reality in cool ways".
Zach (not to be confused with Zak or Hcaz) is running a stalker (its a movie apparently) / Road side picnic (not to be confused with a road side picnic) game on g+, and it has the radiations everywhere.

 It makes a perfect dungeon world (not to be confused with dungeon world), ie it creates traps, monsters, and a spooky ruin, and explains various out of time/dimension character drop ins and various anachronisms that make up any sensible fantasy world.

Side note about why David Lynch sucks*: random stuff that seems to have a secret mind bending coherence behind it is a great start. But if you just endlessly generate random stuff it becomes dream like. Dreams are kinda stupid. Like you are going to this sweet candy castle because there is a party but then you start talking to a pony and the pony turns into a hat and then you are going to school in the hat and FUCK IT I WANNA GO TO SWEET CANDY CASTLE but no now you a dolphin BUT THE CASTLE okay cool you see a castle but you need to make a t-shirt and..

What is some next level jerky is when the weirdness builds on itself. You get to the castle, and then are a princess but have to fend off the dolphin drills and make friends with this witch but she has a mirror twin controlling the dolphin drills but then you find out that the mirror twin is the original and the daughter of the architect of the candy castle who is evil and been made into the mortar to make the castle and the dolphin drills are working with the original witch because they sense the evil from the castle.

etc.

*this is a way that David Lynch sucks, he overall is very far from sucking, but watching Fire Walk With Me I was disillusioned with the realization that he was just adding whatever content seem cool and there was no secret depths to it , other than the illusion of some via apopthenia.

So fleshing eating taxis and explanations for flesh eating taxis. Explanations are awesome but use them to make "more" rather than "less". Like an explanation for flesh eating taxis that is "oh you dreamed them" is less stuff. An explanation that is "because demons" is more, if you then proceed to ponderulate who makes demon taxis, can they be ridden, what happens in a demon taxi car scrap yard , are they voltron demon taxis etc?

Anyway, this post post apoc world that I ran a game in.
There is a money system, ala d&d  copper coins is bottle caps, silver coins is coins of various countries and values, gold coins is trading cards and platinum coins, credit cards.
There is no centralized bank or any plausible reason that various tribes and bands have unified their trading system like this (yes, this is a less explanation. I don't care, treasure is stupid ), but each group might have something they value muchly.

THIS PEOPLE, WHAT SHINES LIKE JEWELS TO THEIR GREEDS?
1. Why plastic dinosaurs/animals/insects. Duh
2. Dolls clothing/ Pegs
3. Polyhedral dice/ Keys
4. Christmas decorations/cathode tube screens
5. Notes of money, made into origami animals
6. Pencils sharpened down to a nub
7. Fountain pens/capacitors
8. Salt and Pepper shakers/ human hair
9.Obscure kitchen utensils (like fondue forks, ice cream scoops, olive pitters) / miscellaneous poorly made religious tack
10.Wave sanded pieces of glass / preserved tattooed skin
11. Fake teeth/ obscure furniture
12.Light bulbs/books/maps
13.VCR tapes/records
14. Shoes/ empty pill packets
15.Picture frames/ tupperware
16. Mirrors/circuit boards
17. Soft toys/ photographs
18. Seeds/sample squares/lens from spectacles 
19.Candy/used batterys
20.Suitcases/ make up

BUT WHY?
1. Decorating their scarred but handsome forms
2.They do not care for such things themselves, but believe others will at some stage and are trying to control the market
3.Building Materials
4. Art objects , for display as conversation pieces and culturalness
5.They are researching the shit out of these things
6.Their fecund beliefs hold these things as sacred
7.They weaponize or plan to weaponize these things
8. Roll twice, both results are applicable. If you roll an 8 again, roll trice etc.

 OKAY SO WHAT WERE THESE GUYS CALLED AGAIN?
(roll once and take that number from each of the 3 tables or roll on each table separately, you might wanna shuffle the word order around so it makes more/less sense)
Plural
1:Children of
2:Hand(s) of
3.Ghost(s) of
4.Followers of
5.Chosen of
6.Pack
7.Tribe
8.Consortium
9.Congregation
10.Clan
11.Mob
12.Beasts

Adjective
1. Wrathful
2.Whispering
3.Ponderous
4.Pulsating
5.Undualting
6.Snickering
7.Dancing
8.Kind
9.Flayed
10.Crismon
11.Shattered
12.Gibbering

Noun
1.Plain
2.Tower
3.Forest
4.Dream
5.Mickeys
6.Gourmets
7.Gallows
8.Pile
9.Void
10.Stars
11.Party
12.Strength


So a 12 would give you Beasts Gibbering Strength, which could be used like that or Beasts of the Gibbering Strength or Beast Strength Gibbering etc etc.

And the temperament of the people?
WHY I HAVE SPEND TIME WITH THEM AND THEY ARE:
Roll on the table,
or
1d6 on 1-2 roll once on the table , on a 3-5 roll twice and on  a 6 roll three times.
and if you wanna more complicated:
 roll another d6 for each temperament, and on 1 they pretend to be the opposite, and on a 2 this temperament is wildly known and on a 3 this temperament is widely known but they are not actually like that at all.
 IF you get the same result, reroll or ham it up to a punishing degree
1. Thieving
2.Warring
3.Boisterous
4. Scholarly
5.Welcoming
6.Xenophobic
7.Deceitful
8.Cannibalistic
9.Mercantile
10.Hippys
11.Fanatical
12.Naive
13.Morose
14.Paranoid
15.Decadent
16.Superstitious
17.Reckless
18.Childlike
19.Fatalistic
20.Flirtatious

OH HO HO AND WHAT ELSE?
1.Why steeds of the land!
           1.Racing Snails
           2.Cockroaches, their wing cases forming a cock pit like an early race car
            3.Terror Birds/Flightless Flamingos/Moa/Vorpal Kiwis
            4.Giant armadillos/rhinoceros/triceratops
             5.Motorcycles/bicyles/unicycles/all terrain shopping trolleys/segways
             6.kangaroos/giant grey hounds/ Frogs
2.Why Steeds! Of the Sky!
      1.Pterodactyls!
       2.Condors!
       3.Floating Jellyfish
       4.Sky mantas
        5.Bats
        6.balloons
3.They have senses uncanny!
      1.Sonar
       2.Telepathy
        3.X-ray vision
        4.Can smell lies
        5.Can taste your past
        6. Hear 3 second echoes on everything
        7. Bamboozling Stare
        8.Danger sensing eyelashes
4.They have prehensile HAIR
5.They are all CONJOINED TWINS
6. Their hands? ANIMAL HEADS
7.They are highly knowledgeable about UTTER BULLSHIT
8.Their shadows? That of BEASTS
9.They always play instruments
10.They have clocks mounted in their skulls
11.Drug addicts, every last one of them!
12.They eat soil like the lowly worm
13.They have replaced some of their organs with junk
14.They will never turn down a fair wager
15.Unnaturally young ... OR OLD?
16.Part of them is a butterfly/candy/cactus/crystal/ooze/cloth/tallow
17.They can digest ANYTHING
18. They dispose of their dead by suspending them from kites tethered to the tallest buildings
19. They know the way to the land of the dead!
20.One in four of their children is highly explosive


THAT IS DELIGHTFUL, WHO IS IN CHARGE?
1.The succeeder in a trial by combat/debate/board game/hunt/sports
2.Anarchy, collective decision making processes are in charge!
3.A line of succession
4.The chosen of a sacred parasite
5.The one who can operate a sacred/vital/cool machine
6.The one with the best future seeing
7.A small elite group
8.Roll twice and combine results


HOW ARE THEIR WAYS IN THAT OF WAR?

roll on this table  or if needing something more bell curvy roll a d6 and on 5-6 roll on this table and a 1-4 give them some generic weapons, 1 being basic as, 4 being well equiped.
 THEY USE
 1.harpoons and sickles
2.Glass machetes and throwing discs
3.Red hot pokers and burning dust
4.Ice guns and hammers
5.Dogs on sticks and throwing cats
6.Acid water pistols and thorn spears
7.Skulls on chains and flaming barrels
8.Sling shots and flick knives
9.2 handed cleavers and cabers
10.Piranha cannon and chains
11.Stinging nets and pikes
12.Bolas and fungal attack pigeons

OKAY WHAT IS THE HAPS RIGHT NOW?

1.They are freaking out about a monster
2.They are needing a new leader
3.They are having a huge party/ritual/rite/trading day
4.They are planning on moving
5.They are freaking out about a looming  disaster
6.They are starving
7.They are grieving because half of  them died
8.They are preparing for war
9.They have found a great treasure
10.They are about/are currently meeting with another tribe for tense diplomacy


       

PostPostApoc treasures

Print PDF Aaaaaaaand back.



I got out of the house , went on a road trip, hitch hiked around a little, saw kiwis , giant eels, baby pukekos , beach sunsets and winding hill road sunrises, a new favourite colour (make room verdigris green, you got company; Arahura river teal ) and yeah.

Post post apoc is what happens after everyone has gotten over the collapse of civilization thing, and are starting to live a little. A smug , satisfied, "those old guys sure were stupid I love fighting dinosaurs" attitude is the normal.
Ruins are awesome! Life is exciting! Look how much room there is with 90 % of the population dead! Building shit is easy with all this left over stuff! Why didn't more people eat dogs? Dogs are delicious! I'm living in a clock tower because fuck yeah clock towers. For fun we weaponize buses and then invite everyone around for a bbq based on what gets stuck on the buses grill.

So yeah.
This attitude informs the choice in ostentatious displays of wealth.
Traditional precious materials are ridiculed , instead desirable are things that mock the values and hang ups of the past, desecrations and willful naivety.    So when your players ask for what treasure they cut out of the train-sharks stomach-caboose, why roll on this table here and gosh everything will be so much more interesting.

d100
1. c.d shards set in elaborate sunburst pattern , necklace
2. plastic dinosaur with polished glass set into its teeth and eyes
3. thickly garishly painted camping cutlery necklace
4. plastic army man mounted on tiny circuit board square set on ring
5. barbie doll head choker, its hair replace with copper wire , the hair plaited to from the strap
6. chalice made from melted plastic  hands
7. mini-crown made from model aeroplanes , covered in glitter
8. block of wood, many many layers of paint, lightly sanded off , framed with range of delicate nails, hanging from from bike chain. Necklace
9. mouth guard set with type set spelling out "glory"
10. cloak of shredded truck tires, with the exposed radials delicately interwoven
11. copper wire macrame head dress set with stereo cables ends, flared into flower shapes
12. zoo animal hair friendship bracelet
13. wall hanging of a skate board covered in mouse skulls biting each other framing cat skulls
14. a toaster run over repeatably until completely flat and then twisted into a crown
15. earring from human collar bone, studded with various brass screws
16. metallic hip replacement nose piercing
17. glass eye set in sex toy rubber , ring
18. digital wrist watch , the insides removed and replaced with delicate human bone scrimshaw
19.10,000 clock hands welded together to make a ceremonial mace
20.tiara of typewriter arms
21.golfing award statue for golfing a good golf, decked out in various action figure armour and punishing various plastic monsters stuck in the base
22. bisected bowling bowl set in extensive frame made from high heels
23. medical admission bracelet , with a dozen wedding rings threaded on it
24. baby doll painted with road tar and with a halo of glass silvers
25.Office chair painstakingly recovered with expensive handbag leather and silk underwear
26. silk tie , entirely covered with safety pins, of various sizes and colours, no 2 alike
27. dog skull with dentures inserted and googly eyes, made into a ceremonial  helm
28.expensive ball gowns shredded and plaited into a rag mat
29. talisman made from tree sap lacquered barbie doll wedding dress
30. statue of jesus , the head replaced with bob marleys and the hands, wolverine
31. elbow length gloves hand sewn from chip packets
32. wall mounting of a fire alarm bell ringed with used syringes
33. plastic dinosaur headed scrap iron torc
34.Rolexs welded together in pretty but functional knuckle duster
35. terracotta duck covered with macramed neon wig hair
36.wall tapestry depicting victorys and shit, made from various cut outs from stained carpets
37.stethoscope draped with broken pearl necklaces
38. glasses with cassette tape reels instead of lens
39. dissected fire extinguisher filled with melted glass
40. belt made from enlocked bmw crests
41. earrings made from human gold capped teeth
42. plastic bead necklace , each bead carved into a skull, each with a different expression
43.barbed wire , gold painted, tiara , each spike tipped with a match
44. refrigerator door lined with feathers
45. red velvet theater curtains hand sewn  with dental floss into impressive cape
46. shiny black leather thigh boots reworked into a poultroon
47. mickey mouse mask painted a 100 types in enamel paint, string replaced with gold chain
48.surf board lined with dalmatian skin
49.bike bell ring
50.thick  black rubber gloves tips replaced with silver thimbles
51.large buzzsaw (a metre across) , the teeth replaced with shark teeth
52. jar of pennys, all the eyes drilled out
53.stamp collecting book, each stamp subtly defaced 
54.lacquered childrens book made to hang around neck, opened to a page of significance ("then monster came")
55.motorcycle helmet with a dozen desk lamps branching symmetrically from it
56.bone carved and dyed to look like a candy bracelet
57.hydra made from karate trophys
58.emmy studded with gold tees
59. tuxedo jacket , ripped and cable tied together, reinforced with glossy magazines
60. big flower made from cathode tube glass
61. broken wine bottle neck , sanded smooth , made into a ring
62.throne from phone books nailed together
63. mannequin entirely covered with nailed on computer keys , each nail is different
64. circuit board picture frame , photo is people on a roller coaster
65.burger chain mascot statue head , hollowed out into a lantern
66. steering wheel necklace, wrapped in pearl necklace
67.number plates welded into a ceremonial shield, with a taxidermy rabbit on it
 68.small porcelain statue with the back broken off, face down in a puddle of melted and hardened silver , tight clusters of unused scented candles jutting from it
69.fish tank castle set with diamonds and l.e.ds
70.one of those tuxedo print t-shirts
71.a suit case full of money, with a miniature moss garden  growing out of it
72. fuzzy dice
73. oil painting cut in half and sewn together with another oil painting
74.bathroom mirror, with masterful portrait drawn on it with lipstick
75.tequila bottle full of centipedes
76.ice cream scooper necklace
77.hologram of Egyptian  pharaoh
78.vest covered on bottle caps and fish hooks
79. half a dozen balsa wood dinosaur skeletons made into a head crest
80. lazy boy stuffed with unsmoked cigarettes
81.door knob ring, set with plastic bottle cap
82.snow globe with burning city inside
83.glow in the dark skull ring
84.large plastic shark, with ruby eyes, hanging toward as a earring
85.belt covered in hanging keys
86. wrestler action figure , the arms replaced with dried snakes
87. mounted and stuffed deer head, strung with Christmas lights, the eyes replaced with 8 balls
88.hotel bible , all mentions of jesus carefully twinked out and hand written in "tupac"
89.fuzzy slippers carefully attached over combat boots
90.tooth brushes molded into chain links, forming an anklet
91.cash machine keypad cod piece
92. miniature gumball machine
93.armband made from a passport, open to the face page, face is screaming mass of blood and teeth
94.copper wire wig with small plaits , each plait ending with a plastic snake head
95. insinkrator crown
96. necklace of doll house doors
97. bouquet of plastic flowers , the stems fibre optic cable
98.bronze statue faces made into a bra
99. gas mask with the lenses replace with expensive camera lens
100. bracelet made from a roll of sellotape with gems and glass randomly inserted half way in


Okay I got a bunch more postpost apoc tables I'm gonna post in the next few days. Some of them might just be useable for yo

Hey it was these songs! Plus NPC complication table

Print PDF These were the songs, no-one really got more than 2 , but GENEROUSLY these people can have a free commissioned drawing apishly scrawled with dung lovingly hand drawn by me and posted to their address. Email me what you want and an address and I'll send it, or if you prefer I'll scan and email it to you.
(also some people on g+ but i notify them on g+)
Seth S and Tom Fitzgerald, what do thoust what?

Here are the songs in no particular order:
Sally MacLennane- THe Pogues
"where the elephant snaps strongmen's necks and has too many powers"


Kitty Empire- Big Black
"I'll shit outside if I want to"

Kerosene- Big Black
"Nothing to do in this town"

Jordan, Minnesota- Big Black
"this will stay with you until you die"

L Dopa _ Big Black
"El Dopa Fix me"

...So I like Big Black okay?

Pigeon Kill - Big Black )
"gotta lot of birds"  (link to the live version from pig pile with the spoken bit about making friends with the birds first, Because I love it)


Cables- Big Black

"Maybe I just needed the bang

...
So I get a lot of Big Black song stuck in my head okay?

Trouser Minnow- rapeman
"then it really did start to matter"
fuck you steve albini for making me have to put that in a search engine.  Also? you dress like someone who would name his band "rapeman". AND MAKING MUSIC THAT IS THE BEST YOU DICK
Also? Superpussy by these guys sounds amazing at 33 when it's recorded at 45. Like I had the e.p and I listened to it for a over a year without realizing it was at that wrong speed. I even had the 2 nuns and a packmule album and was like "man it's so weird that the e.p sounds so different than this album" and it was only after a friend was playing it on the radio, and I was just getting on the phone to call him and tell him he had it on the wrong speed when it clicked.
I still think it sounds better at 33.


The The Empty- Le Tigre
"oh baby why don't you talk to me?"


Cry for Everything Bad That's Ever Happened-Le Tigre
"cry for everything bad that's ever happened" (song title, song has no words yo)

I WOULD THINK LE TIGRE ARE AWESOME EVEN IF I WAS NOT CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGED TO THINK THEY ARE AWESOME BECAUSE THEY ARE AWESOME

Heroes-David "crotchstormer" Bowie
"swim as dolphins can swim"
"oh we can be heroes"

(SINGLE FUCKING TEAR DOWN MY FACE YO)

God's Away on Business- Tom Waits
 "it's a job it's a job"

Keep The Streets Empty For Me- Fever Ray
"Where do people like us go?"
"we were hungry before we were born"

Okay now a table of "why is the npc being unhelpful to the p.cs?"
which I was gonna do for someone who mentioned on g+ (like that trap table I did..although maybe I wanted the trap table) but then I realized it was setting:modern required and then I forgot about it for reasons. Anyway I write it here to reward anyone bothering to push through the off-topic music screed.
 WHY IS  THIS NPC GONNA BE COMPLICATED ABOUT SHIT YO?

1. Habitually giving the p.cs the run around to  stall for time until can work out an angle to profit from their involvement
 2.P.cs are dangerously ignorent of the cultural hang-ups and customs on the n.p.c and they keep offending the shit out of them.
3.UNder pressure by a secret society
4. Npc is actually a shapechanger imposter but has been too long in role and losing it's grip on its own and its assumed identity
4.Xenophobic, especially to you people
5.Is uncomfortable with their sexually attraction to one /all of the p.cs
6.Pining from unrequieted love and is a total cunt to everyone because of the FEELINGS
7.HAtes weak people, wants to see the P.cs show a certain amount of grit/tenacity/stubbornness before helping
8.A/all the P.cs somehow nearly got npc killed by chain of unlikely circumstances , that never the less could of been prevented by greater concern for their actions by p.c(s)
9.Compulsive liar due to curse
10. Member of a cult dedicated to spreading discord
11.Refuge from some horrible bloody purge in far off lands, is hella slow to trust anyone
12. On the run from someone , assumed new identity, dudes still looking for them
13.A/the p.c(s) remind them of someone they heinously betrayed to get where they are now
14.P.cs are close to stumbling on some skullduggery the n.p.cs is unwillingly involved in (but invested in never the less)
15.A fortune teller (for reasons of their own) has warned them about the p.cs
16. Has heard ill tales of the p.cs (either lie or truth depending)
17.Had a son/daughter that went adventuring and never returned, and tries to discourage that sort of dangerous nonsense
18.Related to a enemy of the p.cs , not particularly close to said relative, but feels family obligation to dick them around anyhow
19.There is a prophecy about someone(s) matching p.c(s) description upsetting the sweet sweet status quo with their actions
20. Has a butt-tonne of loose ends , and will try and get the p.cs to tidy them up for them, by making them seem involved it what ever business the p.cs are seeking the npcs aid about.

Mixtape Dungeon Map via MONSTER JOHNSTON

Print PDF

so monster johnston does this thing, where people give him a dungeon title (for example "the sunken vault of the gibbon king") he makes a GRAND mixtap cut and paste dungeon, and then you populate it (and if you are me, draw all over it).
I scanned the bits of paper I had done the key for this map, but computer problems mean I'm just gonna type it up for you. Means you will be able to read it I guess, but less drawings of bird skulls and monkeys in the corners.

BACKGROUND:
The gibbon king was a frightening warlord over the sultry jungles of where ever. He had 5 different ape champions of various fighting styles underneath him and a flesh gobbling horde of gibbon warriors.
He liked nothing better than to sit atop his ebony and gold throne, and have captives brought to him. He would then eat them alive and shit them out a hole in his throne, to fertilize his terrible brain fruits in a room below.

But his warriors turned up him one day, burying him a rock slide  and then attempted to divide his rude kingdom amongst them. But the gibbon king visited each in their dreams and set them against each other. Each one in turn seeked out the services of the under-hill-man, and purchased conjuring charms and wicked spells to doom their rivals. The first to go was the Rhesus Knight. his aerial prowess and sword and shield style , no match for the roots of his lair turning feral and thorned, clutching at him at all directions and crushing him dead.
The next to go was the lemur warlock. His North wind fists and tornado kicks availed nothing against the dead, and the shadows took his strength and life.
 Saykal Redim, the baboon champion of the stone warrior school, of such brute strength and fortitude, he would hunt elephants, but this was useless against the inexorable choking of a mud golem .

The 12 bright swords of the chimpanzee warrior hacked uselessly away at the ice elemental send to kill him, and so it did.

The last and seemingly victorious Silverback brawler, was betrayed by his betrayal. The simple wooden box which contained the dust , which when mixed with water , created a mud golem, was left in his chamber. A scorpion, possessed by the fading ghost of the gibbon king dropped a few drops of poison in the box, and the resulting poisonous mud golem was enough to best the silverback brawler.

The vault has since sunken slightly from some minor flooding in the low levels. The gibbon warriors are long gone, and so the vault remains a treasure undiscovered.

Until now....

YOU WILL NEED:
Okay so I'm not going to bother statting monsters because everyone uses such different systems , ditto with treasure. So to run this you'll need to reskin or stat up or look up :

2 mud golems. as water elemental with grapple and suffocate attack maybe? One of them also poisons as well as suffocates

12 assorted regular sized scorpions.

Rock weirds: as water weirds but are snake like forms of rock. Petrify instead of drown. People turned to stone by them turn into a stacked pile of rocks resembling the original form instead of a exact duplicate. If the rock pile is knocked over they can still be destoned as long as all the rocks are present. The risk is leaving a stone out (thus resulting in a missing body part) or putting a extra one (thus resulting in a rock internally .


Shadows: (8) the undead strength draining kind.

Ice elemental

Albino Cave Piranhas: one swarm

Mummys: (16) but like waxed and leathery gibbons that can fold down to a neat cube. Half strength, but not possessing mummy rot or vulnerability to fire.

TREASURE THAT YOU NEED TO DECIDE WHAT IT IS AND EXACTLY HOW IT WORKS IN YOUR CAMPAIGN STUFF:
a simple wooden box. IF the mud golems substance is taken and dried and then kept in the box for a night and a day, if the dust is mixed with an liquid it swells and forms a mud golem which is under the command of whoever added the dust to the liquid. If you add the liquid to the dust (ie into the box) the mud golem formed will just try and kill everything near the box and then remain dormant
 until the box is disturbed. When then it will attack. Sometimes the golem takes on the propertys of the liquid.

The box stores enough dust for 2 golems.

And is quite fragile.

Brain fruits:
These look like pineapples but more like a screaming face. If you eat them you dream someone elses memorarys. There is 8 of them. You would have to dig them up to see the weird screaming face. Otherwise they just look like the top of a pineapple with some sweet flowers and some scorpions running about.

Assorted coins , rings and personal effects can be found in the loam that the brain fruits grow in.

4 clock work hand sized monkeys that can be "programmed" by hella smart mechanically minded people. Currently they just maintain and repair the swinging blades and each other.

The 3 swords of the Chimpanzee warrior.
(when he wielding 3 swords it looked like he had 12, according to him anyway) , don't have to be magic, should be fancy though.

The sword and shield of the Rhesus Knight:

Possible salvageable animal hides, tusks , skulls, armour or whatever in the trophy room.

The treasure in the Vault itself.

Room descriptions:
1:
this is where the throne used to be. It's gone, revealing the shoot to chamber 3.

2:This is where the silverback brawler had his chambers. It is half covered in mud with a gorilla skeleton armed with knuckle dusters is visable. The skeleton has the 1st key on it. A wooden box is near as well. Disturb the box makes the mud rise up and attack , it's a mud golem that is also poison.

3.Brain fruits growing in a dark loam. The tops of them are like a pineapple and pale white flowers grow in the gloom. about 12 scorpions scuttle around this vegetation. They are not particular aggressive but will attack if you start digging up the soil, coz that's where they have buried their eggs.
They are exotic and poisonous.

4:THis room is overgrown with vile looking vines and is loud with the chirping of ominous frogs.
The frogs are ominous. But harmless.

5.This is the old student training area

6:A frigid chamber, where the lemur warlock met his doom. This chamber  does as much cold damage as you would suffer standing around in the attic. The chimpanzee is visible frozen in a block of ice against the far wall. You will need to hack through about a metre of solid ice to get to him. He has  a snow globe stuck to his hand. The snow globe radiates intense cold. It will freeze itself to whatever is warmer than what its currently touching and has just touched it. Shaking it summons (say if it has stuck to your hand and you were trying to get it off..) a hostile ice elemental.
The frozen corpse has the 4th key on it and one sheathed sword, and a sword in the other hand and one held by his foot. The swords are fancy looking.

7: A testing area with great big swinging blades and pendulums and spears all swinging around and stuff. They are  maintained by 4 tiny clockwork monkeys who store themselves in a small dolls house with a workshop in the corner .Working through this room exposes you to 1d8 attacks by the weapons. Roll a 1d8 to determine the attack bonus. The damage , roll a 1d4 to choose between a spike (1d4), a sickle (1d6) , a blade (1d8), or a pendulum (1d10) .

8 This entry was is framed by 2 mounted emu skeletons.

9 A zen style zen garden with complantive stone piles. disturb any of the neatly raked gravel causes 2 earth weirds to attack.

10: The Baboon of the Stone Champion style's chambers. Half buried in mud. This mud used to be a mud golem. The 3rd key is on his skeleton.

11. This is where the vault is kept. It is a great steel heart suspend on metal spikes coming from all angles. It has 5 keyholes visible. It should be  difficult to pick. A failed pick attempt causes the heart to "beat" and ring twice like a gong. This would summon gibbon warriors had they not all gone awol 30 years ago. The sound can be clearly heard from miles away though, so someone might show up later though. Opening all the key holes makes it open like a flower, and then mummys attack you from room 12.

12: Climbing up the sloping shaft reveals a room lined with leather squares, but otherwise empty. It's pretty cozy. Attacking the walls here or opening the vault will cause the squares to unfold into waxy leathery gibbon mummys.  16 of them.

13. A trophy room with skulls and spears, hides and skins and whatever. Some of it is still good, other bits rotted away and/or spotted with mildy luminous mushrooms.

14. A dark room which light seems hesitate to fall upon. Robes and the 4th key are visible on the floor. 8 shadows lurk here and wait for a good chance to attack.

15 A training area with the downward end (it has sloped from the flooding) flooded. splishing around in the water has a 10% chance per round of attracting the albino piranha  swarm from 16. 100% if you are bleeding or wearing a liberal amount of bacon.

16: A tall narrow chamber flooded with deep cold water. Viscous thorny roots have burst from the ceiling and are wrapped around a skeleton of rhesus monkey in chainmail. It has the 5 key on it person.
The water is waist deep , except for a metre wide crack in the floor that drops about 100 metres down into a underground river. So.. watch out for that. Being in the water has 20% chance of attracting the attracting the albino piranha . 100% if you are bleeding or wearing a liberal amount of bacon.
There is also a decent shield and sword at the bottom of the room here.

THAT WAS FUN FUN, THANKS MONSTER JOHNSTON! I LIKE YOUR MAPS EVERYONE SHOULD UNLESS THEY PREFER HUMPING GARBAGE OR SOMETHING