Wednesday 28 November 2012

Lets Go Shopping!

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"well hello overdressed stranger, see anything you like?"

Players are going to try and buy stuff in Sigil or some other horrible layered, swarming insane fantasy city.

The player, their character setting off to find a good tattooist , palm reader, riding pig, or opium den, chooses from charisma , intelligence or wisdom to make a roll under check. The other 2 un-chosen stats apply their modifiers to the roll. If you doing a group shopping trip, choose one character to roll their stat , all other members of the group apply their modifiers.

(you might consider letting the roller add there level onto this as well. I'm still undecided)

(this is assuming you are spending a couple of silver pieces on a tout. If you are not, -4 to this roll)

Then the d.m looks up how much you succeed or failed the roll  on this table.

This roll represents one day of navigating the city and searching the markets, street vendors and shops. IF you do well enough on this roll you can roll again, thus having a choice of shops.
If you have been to a shop before , you get +4 to the roll, and assume any positive result is the shop. Once you succeed twice in a row on finding a particular shop, you can automatically find it, in addition to any other searches.

Some of these results might have to hand waved, modified or played out on the spot, depending on the players/characters.

Failed by 11+ Ambushed
maaan someone went into the wrong neighbourhood. Roll on some urban monster encounter and assume surprise

Failed by 10,9 Mislead
The character gets lost, confused, distracted and the whole day goes by without finding anything.

Failed by 8,7  Pickpocketed
Half your carried wealth is gone! Deft hands have seen to it!

Failed by 6,5 Scammed
The character just spend 2d6x10 gold pieces on some completely useless crap. They can search again this day though. See table below for some examples of useless crap.

Failed by 4,3 Hustled
 1d6x10 gold pieces is spend on a "toll", bribes, "fines" , charity for poor orphan etc
The player can roll again today though

 Failed 2,1 Waylaid
Roll on a random urban encounter table, like the one in Vornheim
or this one here
This caps a perfectly futile day. Ie the player can't roll again today

Got exact number Distracted
Roll on a random urban encounter, but the player can roll again today.

Succeeded by 1,2 Pisspoor
Find what you are looking for , but its sorely wanting. Roll on the piss poor table.

Succeeded 2,3 Pisspoor +
As above but the character has time enough  to roll again as well and try and find something less lousy

Succeeded by 4,5 Adequate
At the end of a long day, the character finds what they are looking for. Roll on the adequate table.

Succeeded by 6,7 Adequate +
As above but time enough left for the player to roll again.

Succeeded by 8,9 Excellent
Oh sweet. This is most acceptable most acceptable indeed! Roll on the excellent table

Succeeded by 10+ Excellent+
As above  but time enough left for the player to roll again.

1. Roll on the intrigue table (reposted below) and again on this table
2.This place is filthy, low down, crawling with gods knows what, stinky, cramped and rotten.
Make a con check or character catches a minor disease
3.Shopkeeper/service provider is absurdly unhelpful. Character can only get one of what ever you wanted (service or goods)
4.Overpriced because shopkeeper/service is prejudice to character in a variety of colourful and petty ways. Double cost of what ever you wanted.
5. Seems legit, but whatever they pay for , does not work at all
6.Shopkeeper/service provider is batshit insane. Roll on the shopkeepers/service provider memorable traits and ham it up to an absurd degree
7. The thing or service is substandard but functionally, -1 or half effect or flawed in some slight way
8. Actually not so bad , roll on adequate table

1. Roll on the intrigue table (reposted below) and again on this table
2.Half priced but the thing or service is substandard but functionally, -1 or half effect or flawed in some slight way
3.You will never,ever be able to find this shop again
4. Triple price of what they were looking for, but it's of a most fine quality/conduction, Increase any relevant mechanics by a small amount.
5. It's what they where looking for but of bizarre construction and/or materials or the service is provided in extremely idiosyncratic way.
6-7 Nothing special, typical selection, quality etc
8 Saaay this is pretty good, roll on excellent 

1 Roll on the intrigue table plus roll again on this table
2. Sale! Half price on everything
3. The shopkeeper/service provider thinks you are the bees knees and offers a 2 for 1 deal.
4,5 Masterwork quality at standard prices
6. Offered a one off special deal some minor magic item or otherwise rare item at half normal price
7.They have like an amazing selection or range of techniques. They have like 12 different subtle specialities that offer a small mechanically advantage in specific circumstances
8 Roll twice combine results


1. It's run by talking animals/constructs/undead/discards
2. recently been repaired after magic attacks
3. Weird glowing mushrooms cover it's roof
4. Subject to mysterious, arcane and threatening graffiti
5. Has elaborately carved fa├žade from buildings last incarnation. Rumour that it was made from petrified monsters/people/animals
6. Burned out ruins, cursed to remain that way, normal service still applies, just run from basement or attic via ladder
7. been fumigated by dabus
8. Being run by faction that it does not really make much sense for them to run
9.Occupant has collection of weird shit like crazy/crazed bottled things, ears , candles, glass flowers
10. Fortified and paranoid about attacks from mysterious forces
11.Murder has happened, peace keepers or muttering mob investigating/"investigating"/jumping to wild conclusions
12. Infestation of Verminous Slaad/Cranium rats/Flits (blink lizards), abyssal cockroaches, celestial singing mice
13. All of the occupants have been replaced by anarchists/athar/doppelgangers. They all think that they are the only one, and no-one actually has any idea what they should be pretending to be, and so are all following each other
14. Has a suspicious door leading to the basement/attic/closet. "That door? Oh That Door. We dare not speak of it"
15. There's a portal here and a smuggling operation going on
16.Owner threatens players or tries to fine them or otherwise shake them down
17. Someone or thing emerges from portal (d6 1 disruptive animal 2 clueless 3 monster 4 thief on the run 5 substance from plane like water or lava or ooze or flowers 6 roll twice)
18. Someone here has a connection to a players past , like a family member or a dance school rival
19. Robbery in progress/about to happen/has happened
20. Dangerous accident is about to happen/happening/has happened

Useless Crap
1 A property deed for somewhere in limbo
2. A portable hole! Oh no wait, clever slight of hand, it's a circle of very matt black fabric.
3.Undead Repellent! See any undead around? No? That's because it works. Actually just kerosene.
4."invisible, weightless" cloak in a gift wrapped box
5. Ghost whistle! Only heard by ghosts!
6.Potion of minor rehydration 
7.Boxing glove arrow
8. Helmet of "dark" vision actually a regular helmet with covered up eye slits
9.Magic wand of negation. Actually just a stick.
10. Tanar'ri book of protocol. Detailed and thorough but completely useless due to the nature of tanar'ir
11. Modron joke book. Pages and pages of random numbers
12. Map of negative material plane. It's just a black sheet of paper.

here is a determine what/who the shopkeeper is, table , if it is needed. (NPCS IMMA RIGHT?)
roll once or 3 times, split table style
    name:                   species:            memorable trait:
1. Bastard Philips   |    human          | Wears all white
2. Oats                    | Baurier            | Smokes absurdly complicated pipe
3.Kazakhstan          | lizardman        |Always looks to 4 sagely nodding owls for confirmation
4.Melody                | Tiefling           | Obvious false beard
5. Charles Brass     | Giant animate chess piece | Very formal
6.Citizen                 |rogue modron     | gives everyone crap nicknames
7.Zeezee                  |outsider elf        | surreally racist
8.Morris Focker        |Undead             | painfully slow and delibrate
9.Chee Chee             |Discard             | Communicates by talking stuffed bird
10. Ashen Woe         |Githzerai          |Dramatic. Very.
11.Petuania               |Gensai             | manic
12.Hogsly Piggins      |Halfling            |Cheerful , always eating
13. Lorelei                |elf, generic       | composing music on strange organic instrument
14.Grun                    |Dwarf                | Suspicious. Winks a lot
15.Dingus                  |Crow                 |Blind but seemingly aware of everything in the shop
16.Zenith                  |Aasimar            | Drunk, argumentative
17.Laminar                |human              |Mutters furiously
18.Heatherly              |ragdoll             |Obscenely fat
19. Singer                   |Thri Kreen       |Knows far too much about you
20.Oblove                 |Brain in jar attended by monkeys | everything seems stolen

Monster encounters:
1 1d6 apes, escaped from gladitor ring, seeking vengence
2 1d4 ghouls
3 Gang, as
4 Glutton (wild sewer boar) 1d4
5 1d10 verminous slaadi
6 Rare flesh eating otyugh
7 Shadow fiend
8 1d6 +3 level zero thugs, block exits with trash fires, rain stones down from roof tops
9 Puppeteer spiders (uses corpses as puppets to attack you)
10 2d6 elves with a pet carrion crawler
11 7 wild dogs infected with a hive intelligence
12 1d10+4 giant rats

Oh and ages ago with the Slum golem I mentioned making a random urban maze generator.
Well using the drop d4 system ala vornheim
(drop a number of d4 onto a page 
draw a number of straight lines from the centre of the d4 , the number dictated by the die result, and the line running parallel to the pages height and width
Anyway I was tutuing around with using addition d6s dropping on the map, every couple of minutes or something. If the die lands on a wall, have that wall move in the direction of the nearest other wall. If the die rolls a one , drop another d4 to make new walls. A 5 a trap door opens in the floor and a 6 a gap opens in the ceiling. 
Played around with it , the redrawing the wall is fiddly and dunno. Anyway I mention here for someone else to run with it if they have a better idea.

Saturday 24 November 2012

Loose Ends, Swiping at other peoples fun, hey try this at home

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Okay so I'm doing my head in at the moment with my compulsive stimulationist tampering.
The home game I was trying to make all the hitpoint scale slower because healing was faster but I'm just confusing myself and it's kinda cruel to be doing to my players, this being their first role playing game, and I'm changing the rules in the background all the time.

Also the planescape hack happening on g+ , I'm trying to think how size works, and putting in a size stat and it gives damage resistance for big creatures and for small creatures it adds to armour class.
And then adds to damage inflicting by big creatures. But then should I make it increase the damage to small creatures? I'm leaning toward just making it a hit point penalty. But reduce damage inflicted by them as well?

(the good question to ask yourself when you start disappearing down this rabbit hole, is "Does having these rules make for fun "tactical" decisions? And fun being negated here by looking things up, excess number crunching, and/or slower game play" In this case... I don't know. Yes/ no /maybe? arghh?)

I'll give an example:

A large squirrel (the size of a child) is size -1. This means they get +1 to armour class.
But should they also get -1 per hit dice and /or damage? Is it dumb to write it as -1?

A  ogre is size +1. This means it has damage resistance 5 (size 2 would d.r 10 see the post on Climbing on things and Stabbing them in their stupid face), inflicts an additional +1 to damage, and touch attacks get +1 to hit it.

The other thing that is doing my head is strength modifiers for creatures, and if to add to them all their attacks or just not their bite attacks or just increase the die size up or down depending on their size and strength and only add strength modifier for weapon use. Maybe I need to buy me some d7 and d14 and shit.

The question here is why am I bothering?
I don't know, it just bugs me if I don't have some weird internal consistency with stimulation mechanics. Like it does not have to be realistic, at all, it just needs some internal logic, no matter how twisted.
I was much much much worse about this as a kid. Like I would get so irate at  stuff like race as class mechanics and stuff.
(I actually kind like race as class as a streamlined piece of world building, like "oh you can play a piggy man, they are from the fire swamp and you have these abilitys from both your physical attributes as a piggy man and growing up warring with the plague gnomes and eluding the Glibber Ballooners)
Which was weird because most of the games we ran in would have very little use of the mechanics but for some reason they had to be there and they had to Make Sense.
Kids are stupid.
This was the height of "If you make a serious game, you have to be very serious and detailed and realistic" zeitgeist I think. Ie white wolf, rolemaster etc.
Now it kinda seems like to make a serious game it's all about narrative flow and doing one thing and  themes and stuff and respecting the genre and extra-diegetic mechanics.

Which I'm surprised I'm not more into, as:

  • I normally d.m and I am used to having massive amounts of creative input into the game, and greatly enjoy doing so

  • I am a total entitled snowflake player character and like having things written in very big letters what I can do without having to rely on a favourable d.m interpretation.

  •  I will completely ham up the place in character if given half (or less) a chance. I hope I am successfully aware of when I should shut up and let someone else do something. Apologies if  you've played with me and I was not.

 So with this in mind , I though I would be more favourable to "storygames" (a loose, contentious, grouping).
But the ones I tried to read, I could barely make sense of them, and the ones I got through , appeared completely unplayable to me, personally. Also Apocalypse World "pick a name" thing?
I am 100 % hostile to this. Like I have heard reasons and had intelligent discussions about it but shit I just think it's the stupidest thing ever.
I am incapable of taking it seriously and it's pointless to try and talk me about it because I'm just going to be a complete child about it and call you a stupid head. Because it's stupid.

Also attempting to enforce narrative techniques that are stupid is stupid. Like joker immunity or the main character not dying half way through the book, or something.
Stuff that writers keep doing because it's really hard to make stories interesting without resorting to these. Or so your editor will tell you. Stuff like this,  roleplaying games should not have to have because they get around them by having you not just having to sit there and listen/read the thing.
Also? A story where the main character completely fails to stop the bad guy, and the other main character dies off screen and the bad guy gets hit by a car randomly but does not die is awesome. It's called No Country for Old Man and it is awesome. Also Ian Banks , and a metric shit tonne of other works that did not bow to narrative convention.

I'm sure people are having fun right now with these systems. It's a matter of taste innit? And like all matters of taste people get all name cally about it. Like people who I like like Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. I do not like them and will threaten you with violence if you ever try and play them in my presence. (Sorry Jack Shear, Jez Gordon. I could be all neutral about describing Nick Caves music, but I am human and have a emotional reaction to it, and this emotional reaction is that its the FUCKING WORST THING EVER but at the same time it's a matter of taste.



Okay back to my original thing I was talking about

I was gonna make a token swipe at claw/claw/bite attacks because of reasons and then talk about how getting nailed by bizarre arbitrary rule artifacts is actually part of the fun of FLAILSNAILS d and d I am discovering and there is certain meaning to be discovered by mediating on this. Your character thrust into unknown worlds, completely unsuspecting of how the laws of physics are going to turn on them.
You , the player discovering that the g.m likes all the stuff you hate and now you are trying to remember how descending armour class, save or die etc works because surprise.
It is like life. Arbitrary, meaningless and cruel , but so much so it becomes a slap stick farce, and there in lies the lesson.

I use stat checks for near everything in my games. A saving throw against a death ray would be a con check.
It is modified by the level difference between the death rayee and the death rayed. (i.e a 1st level guy zapped by a 10 level death rayist would be making there check at -9) . They then take a 1d6 con damage modified by how much they succeed or failed that rule. Say that unfortunate above has 11  < WHOA I screwed the math here big time >con, and failed their check by 16 (they rolled a 18). They now take 1d6+11 con damage.
If they had 11 con , it's effectively 2 (because of the level difference) , so rolling an 18 means they failed by 16, so they would be taking a 1d6+16 con damage.

Being reduced to zero con is death of course. Petrification works but with dexterity , zero dex means you are now a lawn ornament. Why I like have this fine/maimed/dead system of killing people rather than a either / or system of  killing people? I'm not sure. I think I just like death to be the result of more than one roll. MYSTERY. OR do I like to tamper for the sake of tampering? DOUBLE MYSTERY 

making a list of everything that happens in the surrounding area (in this case a city) after each game session, for the next 4 or  5 game sessions, (in the rare event of no player interference ) . Then hinting about what also happened "Meanwhile" via newspaper headings. (it's a modern setting, and yes , some  of the newspaper headings are red herrings).
I'm liking this because if players wander into a random area I can have a good idea of what cool  things could be happening, and if they don't I have clear idea on how the game world is going to change around them.

Wednesday 14 November 2012

Spells vs Brains

Print Friendly Version of this pagePrint Get a PDF version of this webpagePDF Wizards in flux-engine, as I have said before are spell infected wretches, host and addict to spells.
This is the current rules for them.
These are kinda long for my liking, but I can't see what to cut at the moment.

They have a potency score. It starts at 1 + savvy modifier.   You can have  combined total levels of spells stored("wrangled")  in your mind equal to this.

The spells that you "know" (ie have learned , made notes of , and are running around your head)
is 2d4 at first level. After this you can learn new spells by;

= deciphering another wizards "spell book",

(this can be anything from rhyming couplets, tattoos, knotwork, scrap books or toilet graffiti. A spell book for a wizard is anything that the use to organise their mind and trigger the patterns necessary to get the spells to behave)

This is a savvy check modified by the level difference and anything from a -8 to a +8 modifier depending on how idiosyncratic  the wizards "notes" are.

=overhearing a spell and repeating over and over again until you get the pitch right. This requires an awareness check at the time, and later a savvy check at -8.
The savvy check happens over an hour of you practising  and if you roll a 20 , you get +1 stress. You can keep doing it until you get right or get 2 ( not necessarily  constitutive ) 20s.

=any ridiculous amount of mental derangement either  chemical or other wise has a flat 10 % chance of learning you a new spell

=rumours of the correct preparation and consummation of wizard brains, as a way of getting spells, may or may not be true

If you learn more spells than half you savvy score each level you get a permanent +1 to your stress score for each spell you learn above  that totally.

When cast the spell the spell is not lost from your mind, it is instead lost in your mind, scurrying around where you can't easily access it.
A couple of minutes of idiosyncratic ritual and referral to the wizards notes is required to wrangle the spells somewhere manageable.
(where the player chooses the spells readied).
You can wrangle more spells than your potency score but the extra levels are used to modify the savvy check. You can't wrangle more than twice your potency.

This savvy check is made  after each spell wrangling session. It's modified by any extra spell levels you have wrangled.

IF you fail  this roll, add one to your stress score. This is used to modify unfavourably a savvy check that you make at the end of each game session. If you roll a 20 on this you also roll on the table below.

Certain talents can give benefits in exchange for increasing your stress score.

Failing this means you roll on the table below. The duration of any non-instant or permanent result of this table is a week. Make another savvy check( modified unfavourable by your stress score). If you fail that double the duration and make another savvy check, repeating this process until you succeed.

add your stress score to this roll:
(despite the use of 2nd person, this table should be rolled in secret for maximum fun)
1 minor visual hallucinations (after trails)
2 a random spell becomes a favourite
a favourite spell always gets memorized, like or not, but you get +1 with any rolls with it. Despite what children have been told , there can be only one favourite.
3 spell buds, one spell is lost but you instantly learn a number of new ones of total levels = to the original  and at least 2.
4 random spell selection, instead of choosing which spells are prepared, it is now done randomly
5 reverse spell effect once.
6 Sporatically bleed from eyes and ears
7 Intense endorphin rush whenever you cast a spell. Make a savvy check in order to not cast another spell on the next available chance. +2 hitpoints though coz maaaan you feel great
8 You must make a successful con check in order to not immediately voice whatever thought comes into your head
9 Rhymes make you angry
10 Auditory hallucinations, -2 to awareness checks. Echoes, chirps, whispering
11 Auditory hallucinations, -2 to awareness checks, voices, threatening , laughing , mocking
12 Domestic animals can't stand being around you
13 Bizarre food cravings
14: One spell proceeds to bully the others, growing in size until it takes up all available space. You have only one spell prepared but double any effects and your effective level for casting it.
15 You become dreadfully afraid of one spell, and must make a successfully con check in order to cast it. It's not the effects of the spell you are scared off, as you are the feeling of it moving inside your brain.
16  1d4 teeth fall out, and are gradually replaced with random animal ones
17 Your spell book methods no longer work, you need to invent a new one, or atleast radically overhaul them.
18 Insomnia, you can't sleep and can only partially recover from resting
19 lose a spell
20 reverse spell effect , all
21 Roll on the mutation table. Effects are permanent.
22 Partially paralyzed  for 1d4 days
23 numb, emotional, immune to emotion based effects. Auto fail most social rolls though
24 either blind, deaf, or mute. This does not effect your spell casting however, not even targeting spells.
25 learn new spell
26 You forget one language and learn another one, but do not realize the substitution
27 physically numb, you are immune to pain, +1d6 hitpoints but must make a dex check every hour or have suffered a d4 damage unwittingly. The d.m now tracks your hit points as well.
28 if anyone says your name within your hearing you take 1 point of damage
29 Your tongue periodically forks
30 You doubt all your memories as false. A couple of them are false now.
31 You need to make a successful savvy check to not mistake a word for the thing it describes
32 Next time you go to cast a spell, all the spells you have wrangled happen at once
33 Randomly determine a letter. You are physically unable to say words beginning with that letter.
34 Vision drifts in and out of present time, basically everything is under the effects of displacement spell but you get an initiative modifier that is either +1,+2,+3 (1,2,3 on a d6) or -3, -2, -1 ( 4, 5, 6, the modifier will be on the bottom of the die)
35+ permanent stat damage , randomly choose stat, 1d8 damage.

Wednesday 7 November 2012

FLAILSNAIL out of town item side effects

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flail snails item/power malfunction

When someone whips out an ability or  item in your Flailsnails game and you just don't feel like flat out ruling it does not work but you wanna make them sweat a bit.

base chance it malfunctions  1 in 6
modified by what ever number you like or use the following
How much does random bullshit work in my campaign
Random bullshit is atlas, holding it all aloft : +0
I take a little convincing. Not much, but a little: +1
We work for our fun here we does. +2
I'm kind addicted to drinking player tears +3

Also add another +0 to +5 based on how much effort  the ability in question is going to make you do / how over powered it seems.

Reroll anything that does not suit your setting

1. mutation! 50/50 or your target.
2. bubbles instead of talking for a hour
3. slow motion as slow spell for 1d4 X10 rounds
4.grease effect on you polymorph each round for 1d20 rounds swell up like a balloon, as levitation but take triple damage for piecing
7. effect is reversed
8. you bleed excessive from eyes for half a hour, suffering -1 on any rolls regarding targeting
9.scatter diagram to determine new target, can travel 20 feet or half its maximum range , which ever is further
effect does not happen until 1d4 round later. Lets hope you are not looking down the barrel when it does
10.half strength
11.effects you as well
12.effects random target
13.effects only you
14.You are the target of a continual  light spell, that oscillates wildly between various colors. Lasts an hour
15.roll again but results kicks in a hour later
16.Item / ability destroyed /negated after effect resolves
17.You (the character) have the choice to either take a point of permanent random stat damage or the effect fails
18.For a week you will no longer sustain nourishment from food unless it's prepared by someone who hates you. The character knows this the first time they eat something
19.Dry gangrene sets in a random limb over the next couple of days
20. Weakness (as ray of enfeeblement) and hair loss from the strange energies involved. Lasts a week.
21. Domestic animals utterly loathe you until you leave the campaign world. They will try and kill you if they think they can without loss of their own lives. You also show up as unnatural/evil to any magic sensing stuff
22.All plant life withers and dies instantly around you in 30 feet radius. Any non-magical food or drink spoils as well
23. Massive endorphin rush! Make a save or immediately use the ability or item at the first chance you can.
24.Save or experience overwhelming empathy for target. Effect is permanent without a remove curse. If you are the target become massively introspective for an hour.
25.Lose all memories of your childhood
26.You are unable to see color until you leave this setting
27.Effect fails but you suffer the delusion that it has not.
28.Back lash inflicts 1d4 hitpoints per level, as smoke pours out your ears and you clench you teeth so hard a few of them crack
29.Internal hemorrhaging take 1 hit point damage per hour until magically or advanced healing happens
30.Random sense fails for an hour
31. Random sense becomes intensely over sensitive , disabling but potentially very useful. Lasts a day.
32.Blink randomly for the next 10 rounds.
33. You are turned to stone for an hour.
34.Roll again but the effect is permanent. If that does not make sense or is redundant , the item/ability activates twice instead.
35.You can only gain sustains from eating living creatures until you leave this setting.
36. Slowly begin changing biological sex over the next week
37.You smell delicious to everything around you. Increase random encounters as appropriate
38.Patches of you disappear. This does not seem to trouble you in anyway, unless you get this result twice, in that case save or be disintegrated
39. You become invisible! huzzah. Unfortunately you are blind as well! Lasts ten minutes.
40.Gravity becomes twice as strong on you. Strength counts as half , and double falling damage, and jump ranges/heights. Effect lasts an hour.
41.Item becomes permeant grafted to you in a disgusting and painful process, inflicting 1 damage per level,and  inflicting a -1 penalty for 4 rounds. If effect is due to ability, a relevant body part doubles in size.
42.You are no longer able to understand the languages spoken around you.
43.You smell like grave sauce. A couple of dozen bathes will get rid of this.
44.Vertigo! Allergies! Nausea! as stinking cloud effects on you, lasts 1d10 rounds.
45.Uncontrolable hiccups for the next day.
46. Level drain! one level is sucked away to power the strange magics!
47.Your immune system takes a bad hit. You will automatically fail any saves vs poison or disease until you leave this setting.
48. 1d20 random new species of insects hatch in your body.
49.Terrible sense of foreboding!
50.Lose all memory of the last 1d4 days

Saturday 3 November 2012

no no no this is not a cow this is a..

Print Friendly Version of this pagePrint Get a PDF version of this webpagePDF In the interests of posting regular like and at the same time not doing any heavy lifting with ze little grey cells , here is some random tables I have been meaning to write.

They are of vast importance I can tell you.


1. Dogs. Especially weird dogs with too much skin or little legs for compact cage storage. Provide milk (seriously you can make dog cheese), meat, hide. IS IT MORE INTERESTING TO MAKE THEM GIANT? yes. But the rule of thumb with making animals giant is it's prob more interesting to use them as combatants than agriculture, unless a)They are far too ridiculous to take seriously as a combatant
b)a farm of giant versions of them is really creepy

2. Iguanas. Meat, hide , eggs. Comparable space efficiency to chickens. GIANT? see dogs

3. Llamas, alpacas etc. Milk, meat, wool. Unlike sheep and cows, cannot be convinced to form one big herd and maintain all these little herds and will fuck each other up if forced in close proximity.  GIANT ? Sure. Like a furry giraffes

4.Bats. Not sure why no one has done this. Possible because batshit is so fucking toxic. But great for fertilizer and gunpowder. Anyway they are happy to roost in vast numbers, and the insectivores eat the shit out of the insect population. Meat, soft leather and fur. Horrible fungal spores from guano? GIANT? Sure but see dogs

5. Cats. Fuck cats. GIANT? Big cats as herd animals? ANd not a monster encounter?

Could work...

6. Worms. Dry roast them , ground them into flour and protein the shit out your bread. GIANT? Fuck yeah , big red compost worms length of a horse churning through a vast field of rotting food scraps

7. Guinea pigs. For the meat. GIANT? Sure, like edible furry cars.

8. Ostriches. Meat, eggs, feathers, egg shells. GIANT? .. does not seem to change much really.

9. Large Crickets. Meat, chitin. Tastes like peanut butter. Giant? yup , bizarre bouncing stampeders
okay I'm real bored now,


1. Pigeels: Imagine a really ugly pig mouth and snout with a fat giant fleshy eel body behind it. Now imagine them writhing packed in narrow filth filled channels. Agriculture!

2.Higgysow and gourdies: A higgysow is a hedgehog the size of a bus. It's quite immobile and requires constantly cleaning and feeding. The spines are harvested regularly allowing easy access to the giant non jumping fleas which are packed with protein and iron, and can be beheaded and the head replaced with a spigot for an on tap black pudding.
->spines, congealed blood, chitin

3. Crabcow: it's blimp like cow thing with stumpy legs and that mess of mouth parts that's a crab face. Eats anything. Tastes... distinctive.
->meat, .. and milk? I think I just threw up in my brain

4.  FattyApe: A suicidally docile albino cave ape that is kept in the ceilings of underground dwellings.

-->meat. warmth, waste disposal

5.BrineCow: They are like cows but actually a type of seaweed and you can dry them for easy storage. Just add water to bring them back to life!
6. Sackbird: It's a oil looking bird bred without wings, feathers , claws or a head. You shove unedible food stuff into its neck hole, let it digest abit and then squeeze it to bring it back up again in a delicious slurry.
-->partially digesting otherwise unedible food stuff, making the worlds worst smoothies, skin is water proof and makes rubbery clothing

7.Carpetmouse: It's like a couple of 1000 mice partially grown together with only the outer fringes having bones for motile purposes. It's elaborate series of stomachs allow it eat grasses as well as seeds and grains. Can be used as a living blanket or cloak.
-->meat, lawn mowing, warmth

8.Gulper: Like pelican that has done a half assed job of evolving into a compact lazy looking baleen whale. Filter feeder, aquatic, favoured among lake reed towns and river nomads
-->meat, eggs, underdown