Showing posts with label monster manual. Show all posts
Showing posts with label monster manual. Show all posts

Friday, 22 December 2017

Give Me A Myconid And I Will Create A Substandard Version of That Joesph Manola Post About Snakemen

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I GOT THIS PICTURE FROM HERE: IT V.GOOD



This seems like a bad idea already.
This is the post it's riffing on : (。ヘ°)
Except I'm doing it with Myconid

Postulate 1 : Fungus breaks down things
Postulate 2: Fungus can utilize elements from things its breaking down in its growth processes
Postulate 3: Intelligence is among the many elements that can utilized like that
Postulate 4: Myconids got their intelligence this way
Postulate 5: They got this from eating god
Postulate 6: God was everywhere and everything but is increasingly lobotomized by Myconids being smart
Postulate 7: Fungus can utilize elements from one organism  it has already successfully infected in its infection process on another organism

Given these 7 Postulates I will now explain the monster manual!!

ALTHOUGH
I don't really know what postulates are and think I'm going to need a lot more to make this work so lets abandon this pretense now

What I'm saying is the world was full of animals and perfectly ecosystems and god was spread even through its creation but then as fungus broke down matter it eroded the god and become intelligent.
As it spread through out everything it drags various traits from one organism to another.
Its eventual goal is total entropy , an ungodhead nirvana.
Intelligence creates complexity and complexity is an even better way of creating entropy.


Dwarves: Moles + Rocks +  Generic Biped
Elves: Squirrels + Generic Biped + Snakes
Halflings:   Prairie dogs + Generic Biped
Gnomes, Pixies, Quicklings, Leprechauns, and all those others small annoying fairies: 
Insects+ Biped+Single Emotion
Orcs: Pigs + Biped + Hippopotamus/Aggression
Goblins: Bats+ Biped
Hobgoblins/Bugbears: Goblins + ants
Humans:
Generic Biped + Termites
Lizard Men:Isopods + Biped
 Kobolds:  Bedbugs  + Biped
Giants: Humans+ Whales
Ogres: Humans + Elephant Seas
Ogre Magi and Hags: Cruelety + Biped
Dragons: Just Grabbing Anything That Murders And Sticking It Together
Trolls:  Remain Spark of Divine Currently Undersiege by Any Negative Physical Trait The Fungus Can find
Demons, Devils, etc:  Insects + Dreams +Appetites of Elements
Dryads: Flower Spider +  Biped
Nymphs: Desire +  Chameleon + Biped
Minotaurs:  Fungus rerouting through next generation bring monstrous traits to the child. The bull form of Minotaur is the most well know one

Mermen and Aquatic Elves
: Stingrays + Bipeds
Sahuagin:  As Above but with Teeth Everywhere
Chimeras, Manticores, Harpies, and other apparently pointless 'crossbreed' creatures:  Fungal grab backs trying to  encourage concentrated population and militarism and elevation of violent ideals
Slimes, oozes, gibbering mouthers, etc: liquid + hunger
Ilithids:  Squid + Flatworm + Biped. The brain eating is some kind of parasite cycle involving introspection
Beholders
: Just a bunch of eyes from everywhere + concepts such as Destroy , Control , Hurt 
Ghouls: Biped + Saxon/burying Beetle
Yuan-Ti: Actually Avantgrade Herpes
All those giant animals all over the place: animal + localized physics erosion

main take aways:
-Things look like things but don't let the names fool you. Lizardmen are actually more like isopods if you look at them closely
-The nature of reality is made up of elements like hunger, wet, pride etc. Any non-compound noun is probably an element because we can't think further than god.
- Civilization or anything else seen as "progress" is just a fungal conspiracy to speed up entropy
-Everyone and everything contains fungus , your desires fears and dreams are all placed there by fungus to speed up entropy
-the troll is the closest thing to god


Appendix:
 I should of used more of the "animal is an incarnation of pride, lust etc" common to medical allegorys so if you wanna use this you should mine from that
http://bestiary.ca/intro.htm

Wednesday, 5 July 2017

THe Remaains of the Joke

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Here is the rest of them. WHAT? see here and here and here and here
It's looking at the monsters and making up a reverse of them and occasionally it's great.
It's so good it's nearly distracting Arnold from his dutch smiting.

THE ORIGIN STORY OF ARNOLD K
(he's both the merman and then hubris of the dutch)


Dwarf 
Grobby: A funny little guy that pops out from a hole in ground and offers to craft a single mundane object for modest price . The object is actually a cluster of eggs that hatch in 6 months into something like a rotary drill bit mole-rat. If confronted about this fact a Grobby is upfront about yes , that's going to happen , would you like a discount? 
After hatching these attempt to drill into back into the earth , spiralling through any intervening structures (though they get disoriented if up more than a story and can do a lot of damage before they work out where down is. The eventually adult form of these looks something like a massive starnose mole, with the very tip of its nose forming the "funny little guy"

Eagle, giant 
Wig vulture:
Why would anyone want massive wig with vultures living on top of it , constantly chewing on bones? Because one does not want to appear to be an oik

Ear seeker:
Sneeze ghost :
You know how when you sneeze , people try and cast spells on you , supposedly  for your own good?
That's because a small crap version of you made of snot can escape and they are trying to stop it escaping or possibly capture it. The point is you don't want a snot-you blabbing confused versions of your secrets to someone, so always check your hanky after sneezing for one, and if necessary grab that struggling mucus boy and force him back in



Eel 
-Mossyguy
It's a little cute pangolin with moss growing on it that has little naps. There's a lot of these to do that are animals and it's gonna be pangolins

Efreet 
-Snowball
it's a little snow guy that shows up to help you when your are lost in the snow. It's basically useless though but boy does it mean well

Elemental 
,well I did these?  I think they might of corresponded to the 5 stages of grief?  Oh and these okay one more Dismantal : elementals from stuff that doesn't exist.
Not even plausible stuff like glass, these are KnifeFoam (like pumice but polymorphous and sharp) , Bugparts (bugparts) ,  Grot (stains that possess everything) Pissance (Like Rotten Cloth and dog noses) moving on


Elephant : 
I'm remembering this shitty kids joke about why are elephants big, grey and wrinkly ? Well if they were small, white and smooth they would be an asprin . No , the opposite of an elephant is a Flea-Knight , it's a little flea dude the size of a raisin that has the strength and durability of a regular knight, but as it's concentrated down it can kinda jump through your head

Elf 
I feel like it's Shameful beast from the Ramanan-Sivaranjan-Awards-for-Excellence-in-Gaming winning book Fire on the Velvet Horizon now available in hardcover

Ettin 
Hecatoncheires


Eye of the deep 
Mouth of the sky
a jelly bag splitting open into a hooked mouth, the mouth opening and opening into a peeling back over itself to reveal the same grinning bag form. Hypnotic to watch. Sometimes planar wars dump strange machines and dying beasts out of the sky, and there's only so much time before Mouth of the sky come and eat it to nothing. Maybe a defense system of a plane, a clean up crew of another plane, or dominate scavenger roused only for these "whalefalls" 
Flightless bird 
Cloud lice
it's like a louse but cute (and the size of a dog) Clouds have them and sudden weather changes can strand them on land. They are intelligent and resourceful and will set about making some connivance or contraption to get them into the sky."You help is very much appreciated good sir, I just need 12 metres of cow tendon more , I can repair you once I'm home, you see I fell out of the cloud without my purse"


Frog, giant 
Pademelon :
look your players won't know what this is, just use one.

Fungi, violet, + some other fungi slimes etc
Crystal Grot:
Various types of crystals that grow on you like fungus, pulling emotions out of you to form themselves.


Gargoyle 
Freckle swarm. They live on you like fish swimmin aroun

Gar, giant 
Raggling, a rotten cloth cat. Adorable , but smelly. Bad at basically everything

Gas spore 
Spike snake
It looks like a deadly spike but it's a harmless snake holding itself straight. Except for its poisonous bite , that it's trying to save for bats.


Gelatinous cube 
Chainchomp
a bitey ball on a chain that you can use like a dog or a flail

Ghast 
Parasitic skin cream
it's good for you , except it wants you to eat babys

Ghost 
arsehole future baby
a floating psychic baby that claims it's descended from you and needs you to do stuff but not other stuff. Prob lying.


Ghoul 
Boneflower
Hermit crabs that use bones as shells and clinging together in flower shapes for inscrutable purposes 

Giant
lilliputians
you know, those guys

Gnoll
Flower people
They are flowers but walking around being pretty vague. You could reskin myconid even. That sounds pretty excited huh?


Gnome
Needley dee
A skinny little traveling tailor waspy person that can sew things together or shut to defend itself.

Goat, giant 
Spring loaded pocket goat

Goblin
talking hats



Golem 
people that have been shaped into furniture or tools and are still alive and feeling bad about it I imagine


Gorgon 
Oasis Giraffe of Kindness
A gentle giraffe cactus that creates oasises will it selps

Gray ooze 
Quartz Speckle
sucks out despair ! you become foolishless happy while all these crystals burst from your flesh

Green slime 
Ruby Jagger
sucks out peace! Red spiked fury man

Griffon 
2 legged walking horse


Groaning spirit (Banshee)
The Good Boy
The best dog that everyone is happy to see

Halfling 
Joyless Grey Man
A horrid little hair-eater, like a corpse made of lint with disappointing raisins for eyes.

Harpy
Canarywife
it's a happy little bird that shows up in your life and helps you get your shit together. Like personal trainer but an abusive magical bird 


Hell hound
Joy-pig
this is lucky pig


Herd animal 
Questing BEast
Legendary animals that there are just one of and sometimes are responsible for everything being bad and sometimes responsible for everything being good. Hearts often associated with cures.

Hippocampus
Puffer fish protective helmet


Hippogriff
A centipede made of guns

Hippopotamus
Skinless ghoul otter
  
Hobgoblin
Living Bubble



Homunculus 
Dreamegg
it's an egg that will hatch something you dreamed about, but you are never sure which aspect of your dream is gonna hatch

Horse 
Barrier Beast:
a giant bear that sleeps alot and blocks roads

Hydra 
Running Snake:
fast and powerful


Hyena/jackal
Stitcher bird builds nests on people



Imp  
Jiminy cricket , or a disappointment giant


Intellect devourer 
superfist! s u p e r f i s t

Invisible stalker  
Neon-eye-destroyer
something  so bright it can burn your eyes clean out of head baby


Irish deer  
Small palm tree man


Ixitxachitl
Mayan Hypno Spines/crystal skulls encouraging head planking



Jackalwere 
someone made of birds like a scarecrow but birds

Big Cat Jaguar:
Super Python 



Ki-rin /Lammasu
Mouse deer with weird granny face that smokes and visits places and every one has to be polite and she asks after everyone's family


Kobold 
Ceiling-Geist; A weird stain being that watches you



Lamia  
Someone with a mouth under their hair

Lamprey
Hair cleaning birds


Larva see demon/devil



Leech, giant 
A feather than sticks itself in you and you think everything you can do is because of the feather

Leprechaun
Agnes the ruiner. Like very old apple in hobnail boots and loves arson



Leucrotta
A peacock mink


Lich  what if Lichs and lions swapped appearances? 

Lizard 
Weird giraffe monkey


Lizard man
skinling wart people

Locathah 
Catfish carpenters


Lurker above 
Diversion, like a generic goblinish koboldish impish thing that shows up and draws attention to itself at the worst possible time


Lycanthrope 
Animal that remembers its past life occasuinally


Lynx giant
parrot dog


Mammoth/mastadon
micro mammoth

Manticore 
mother goose


Masher
sky jellyfish



Medusa  
feel like we kinda did these in velvet horizon, but a lizard made of hands that gives you super bad Pareidolia


Men 
rumour people
everyone almost knows them!


Merman 
people crudely remade to be able to live underwater. 


Mimic 
Cimim
it's a mimic but it always makes itself look like the most of out of place thing it can think of , like a wheel of cheese in ancient tomb or a rotting puppy in a libary


Mind flayer 

The opposite of a mind-flayer is basically every towering nuggety bastard from Fist of The North Star



Minotaur 
Brindle-Fly



Morkoth 
the reason there is so many redundant underwater monsters is most of them are so boring the original creators kept forgotting what had been made already and made something new

Feng-Shui Pangolin


Mule
A balloon

Mummy 
a baby in some kinda weird fucked up womb amber and do you wanna smash it or see what is being done to it?


Naga
See hydra or boa-boys out of Fire on The Velvet Horizon 


Neo-otyugh/ otyugh
Flower-brute
like a shambling mound but with flowers grow on it. Like a garden that can beat you into mulch.

Nightmare
Gorilla O' dreams
it's a Gorilla that can travel in peoples dreams there is so many entrys

Nixie 
Truth-coming-out-of-her-well-to-shame-mankind
but can be any well buddy. Put on the city events tables.

Nymph 
Sheer 
body horror monster that messes with what turns you on. Like it repulse you with it's messed up body but then later you think it's kinda hot and then later nothing else is attractive anymore

Octopus, giant
Tiny star squid

Ogre
Brittleman/Brittleman lanterner
Like tall bone lattice giants, that only defence is the glass shards that they break into when struck. Lonely pilgrims wandering the roads at night , searching for missing stars in the sky . The lanterns have magic lanterns and know prophecies but are loathe to tell people them


Otter, giant
A regular otter than lives in the sewer and occasionally disembowels people via their anus



Owl, giant
this thing


Owlbear
A skinny bear covered in fly wings


Pegasus 
Feet pigs
They have human feet


Peryton
Perching stag women


Piercer 
Balldestroyer , bouncing boulder

Pike, giant
pipe fish


Pixie  
Really loud frogs


Porcupine
Dog that can squeeze under things



Portuguese man-o-war, giant 
Tree horse


Pseudo-dragon 
Ape-wizard


Purple worm
Scribber-pede
It can draw with its legs and make its drawings come to life 



Quasit see imp

Rakshasa
A socrates



Ram, giant 
sheep that are actually just wool

Rat, giant (Sumatran) 
Mouse musician


Ray
barnacle


Remorhaz 
why did these do so much damage?
snow crab


Rhinoceros  
sumobeast


Roc 
bird eating elephant


Roper 
grease tree


Rot grub 
tomato sauce


Rust monster 
Shiner-Snail/cleaner slug:
it eats rust and slowly moves along rusty things cleaning them


Sahuagin   
Eyeless albion cave dolphin

Salamander 
gnome , creepy .Like inner earth aliens


Satyr 
A goat librarian

Scorpion, giant 
Pseudoscorpion, jewellery

Sea hag
Desert stone smith


Sea horse
but can fly


Sea lion   
fuck these things, shark horse

Shadow 
Light ghost, those phospense


Shambling mound 
Bone garden


Shark
Spam


Shedu see lammusu

Shrieker 
recording crystal water



Skeleton  
bile boy
like a jelly baby made of bile



Skunk, giant
Perfumer
a butterfly but magic and evil , i'm getting over this


Slug, giant 
salt-king


Snake, giant 
see walking snake

Spectre
Vector:
a meat shadow that makes you so health you freak out and start seeing through this mortal realm and burn people your eye lasers



Sphinx
Giraffe

Spider 
beaver


Sprite
see pixie

Squid, giant )  
see octopus

Stag see herd animal

Stirge   
blood blimp


Strangle weed 
symbotic flower


Su-monster   
Us-monster

Sylph 
see  Nymph 

Thought eater 
earworm, factchecker, rememoryer

Tick, giant
gas bag



Titan
village god


Titanothere 
the same but cute and small

Toad, giant  see frog
Trapper see lurker
Treantman: 
living streets


Triton the most redundanet monster entry is having 2 other good/neutral races other than mermaids in the book. underwater races are not something you will use a lot of, goodish vague-as races that don't do shit you won't need, and here's boring fish people and boring aquamen. Mermaids you can get murderious, or horrible or more or less fish like and its the best
the opposite of these is a Murderer


Troglodyte
Extrovert 

Troll
The crumbing sage


Turtle, giant 
miniture castle turtle



Umber hulk 
Azure-Flit


Unicorn
Black Phillip


Vampire
Aide



Wasp, giant
Brain bee


Water weird 
a dust storm that follows you round and makes statues of you


Weasel, giant 
wall badger


Whale
sky ribbon

Wight 
see spectre

Wind walker 
Dirt Bird


Wolf 
Dog

Wolverine 
Bumble bee


Wraith
see spectre

Wyvern 
Zilent



Xorn 
Gold Bug


Yeti 
Organ grinder and monkey, both the grinder and the organ are machines




Zombie
Sleeper
people of civilisations that don't exist that are sleeping forever unless you wake them, then they get all confused and sad and possibly try and take over the world



"MAYBE IF YOU DIDN'T LIVE BELOW SEA LEVEL YOU WOULDN'T NEED WOODEN SHOES HAAHAHAHA I'M ARNOLD , ALSO YOU LIVE IN WINDMILLS "


Sunday, 19 August 2012

Commissioned GOLD DRAGON

Print Friendly Version of this pagePrint Get a PDF version of this webpagePDF I got a commission to make a gold dragon and so I made it twice as much never-ending story


"just updating the roster guys!"




Also the festering home brew system I posted last post?
I just realized the other day that I did not even think about barbarians, paladins or rangers. Or druids.Gnomes were a deliberate omission. People can play em, I just cannot be bothered typing them up. Easy enough to just use halfling but make choices from dwarf or elf.
But yeah but just clean forgot rangers etc. Which utterly does not matter because the fighter talent choices means its easy to make a barbarian or a ranger (with your skill choices) and druids is easily a witch reskin. Paladins I would just make a talent for starting with some clerics spells. Also at about level 11 there is epic talents which could include stuff like shape changing or magic horse (what was the paladins special steed thing called again?) . Have not made those yet, because I have a long time to put it off.

Thought about having fixed talent paths for something like a paladin, ( basically talents with prerequisite) so you get your minor healings spells, then your fear resistance, then your smite evil.

If I did put that in it would pretty marginal to avoid the pathfinder build thing.  

Sunday, 5 August 2012

TIGER

Print Friendly Version of this pagePrint Get a PDF version of this webpagePDF Tiger. The stripes were annoying and the whole thing took longer than it should and its a tiger.



tigers bound around with as much disdain for gravity as a house cat but way as much as 2 or 3 people.

Randomly determining the next monster results in: Dolphin.
 Wah.

Saturday, 28 July 2012

BLUE DRAGON

Print Friendly Version of this pagePrint Get a PDF version of this webpagePDF So newsflash this got down. Weee. I remembers thing to myself , wahey, dragons, I will pay much attention to the little idiosyncratic features that have been passed down the years to define each dragon type as its on, like the green dragons crest or the red dragons has-lots-of-horns. Now I realized, as with..all areas of my life, I don't actually rarely care, and as long as they look horrible and/or adorable and shit, I will feel a brief hint of achievement before default setting resumes.

Reindeer, reindeer, reindeer
I caught one of your horns
And even if it rains here
It's much worse in the north

And you move like shadows
In the dark
And you glitter and you glimmer
And you bark

Hooves light as feathers
The sleigh this year is heavier
I thought we'd reached Warszawa
But we are stuck in Vasa


And Santa he is faster
This house must be the last now
And we follow mister Santa
To the end

And we follow mister Santa
To the end
And we follow mister Santa
To the end
And we follow mister Santa
To the end
And we follow mister Santa
To the end 
  

Monday, 2 July 2012

GARGOYLE, LARVA

Print Friendly Version of this pagePrint Get a PDF version of this webpagePDF THe LArva was originally gonna be the gargoyle but then it giving me horrible soul worm vibes and so a horrible soul worm it became. THe gargoyle, he's just abiding/




.

Friday, 27 April 2012

(another) POLAR BEAR AND BADGER , PLUS BLUE ROSE??

Print Friendly Version of this pagePrint Get a PDF version of this webpagePDF Commissioned polar and badger. Next commission is a groove tube ape, and maybe a elephant sparrow. Then the random number generator says "Shark, giant". Now normally I have been not doing multiple entries of the a monster if its feels redundant, ie giant beetle, diving beetle. BUt I wanted to make another shark because sharks are awesome. So are beetles actually. And it would be kinda fun to do a diving beetle and boring beetle.. I think I was not doing this because originally I was making them vaguely in alphabetical order and I did not have the patience to make 6 beetles in a row.  But meh.
Look the Monster manual didn't have pictures for every beetle, or a goat AND a giant goat. So I don't have to make them. That does mean I should make all the golems, but that's awesome. And all the dragons, which is also awesome. BUt the giants.... yeah fuck it I'll make all the giants. I'll work out how to make them interesting when I get there. Don't talk to me about the dinosaur entry , there's like 30 different dinosaurs. No. I love dinosaurs, but if I wanted to make a tonne of dinosaurs , I would of called this blog "Paleontology via the medium of pants; a amusement of craft". I kinda wish I'd call this "blog raggedy ass monster manual" but I thought of that title afterwards. Dinosaursssss. grrrrrAAA!
Hey so speaking of Blue rose roleplaying system, through NECROMANCY I have obtained what is apparently a  leaked 2nd edition Yeah, it's a little different setting wise and it uses a different system, but there's a link here
blue rose secret leaked 2nd edition! woooooo imma ghost
Yes! Its for realsy! WHatsa matter you don't trust spirits from beyond or something?
And look
here's a map of the new world . A map! That makes it DOUBLE CREDIBLY

and here's the photos of a polar bear and a badger being pals




The badger looks like he skips meals for caffeine and the bear, well the bear could give a fuck.

Monday, 23 April 2012

XORN

Print Friendly Version of this pagePrint Get a PDF version of this webpagePDF Xorn! xorn xorn xorn? xorn xorn xorn xorn, xorn xorn!
Xorn. Xorn xorn xorn, xorn (Xorn) xorn;

Xorn

"xorn"

Xorn;xorn

....xorn?

xorn,xorn,xorn!

Saturday, 21 April 2012

GOLD DRAGON and WEREBEAR

Print Friendly Version of this pagePrint Get a PDF version of this webpagePDF I went all Chinese new year with the gold dragon. The werebear I gave pants to.
I realized after making the gold dragon that smaller limbs would give it a larger sense of scale. Strangely enough..