liKe TEARS in tHe Rain

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Here's brief selection of my  g+ posts that weren't good enough to be a whole post.

ANIMALS AND ALIGNMENTS

the only bad animals are pigeons and centipedes .


By pigeon I of course only refer to Columba livia domestica

cats are fine, except a lot of the time it's a person reincarnated as cat. The cats people talk way too much are actually their future soul prison send back in time.

These cats are terrible.

All primates should considered human , not animal, and thus judged by the same standards as we judge ourselves. So chimpanzees and monkeys are v.bad, but only by human internal standards.
By animal standards they are not animals , they are human.
This was mentioned previously.


Ants would be bad except fungus keeps them in line . However they are not to be trusted.

Wasps are bad but good inflicted on other animals, so this balances out.

Mosquitoes have killed more people than people have killed people , this counts as a good thing , ecologically speaking.

Ducks have been warned, but for now, are not bad.

Metaorganism such as corporations and some religions count as a subset(overset?) of human, and are not animal.

Future revisions might include them as virus .

Future revisions are considering have a 2 axis system , with Bad (Pidgeon) as the X axis and Bad (Centipede) as the Y axis.

GOING NO-WHERE SLOW

Instead of werewolves people turning in giant hands that crush people

Instead of Frankensteins A Very Large Toddler

Instead of The Mummy , A Murderous Painting that rests inbetween murders inside art and takes on different properties depending on what it just rested in

Instead of A Dracula , Sinister Spider Teen Gang

Instead of Fishman , the Ratking

Instead of Zombies, Skeletons that pull peoples skeletons out 

WIKIPEDIA ENTRY ON BALOR OF THE ONE EYE :

"This eye wreaks destruction when opened. The Cath Maige Tuired calls it a "destructive" and "poisonous" eye that no army can withstand, and says that it takes four men to lift the eyelid. In later folklore it is described as follows: "It was always covered with seven cloaks to keep it cool. He took the cloaks off one by one. At the first, ferns began to wither. At the second, grass began to redden. At the third, wood and trees began to heat up. At the fourth, smoke came out of wood and trees. At the fifth, everything got red hot. At the sixth...... At the seventh, the whole land caught fire"" 


"The baneful eye was at him. This eye was opened only in the field of fight. Four persons were necessary to raise an eyelid of his eye by four polish rods passed through eyelids. The army which would look in this eye, could not resist, even if be in many thousands by number"."

VIDEO GAMES MYSTERY

"video games are a unique artform that can be used to tell stories in new and exciting ways"
->makes video game
->neglects or actively suppresses any video game aspect beyond what you would find on a next generation encarta


 FOOD FOR THOUGHT

I mean the opposite of sub-realm would be a super-realm but why not call it a dom-realm





200 WORD RPG:

EVERYONE CATCHES RATS
PUT RATS IN BARREL. CLOSE BARREL . WAIT UNTIL ONLY ONE RAT LEFT. RELEASE CANNIBAL SUPER RAT . IT WILL KILL ALL THE RATS YOU FAILED TO CATCH.
CHOOSE A NAME FROM THIS LIST FOR THE RAT
1)MAUDE
2)BUBBLES
3)MISSY
4)BIG DOUG

if the rules of the contest mean it has to be 200 words exactly then assume I typed the word "rat" enough to take the word count to 200







alternate tag-lines from VEINS OF THE EARTH
"UNDERDARKEST"
"HOLE LOT OF LOVE"
"THE D"
"TOO DARK PARK"
"UNDERBELOWNEATHSCAPE"
"STONED WORLD"
"BLACK PLANET"
"THIS IS HOLE!! IT WAS MADE FOR ME!"

Regular Card Game

Print PDF The bigger post I got half written keep not getting written because the time and concentration needed to do them keeps being used on other things.
So y'all get the rules for this card game I've been playing a lot with my flatmates

It's a modification of game I learned in Melbourne that never had a good name ("Game of Threes ") and I've seen a few variation of .

The version we are playing has a notable enough extra bit we gave it a new and better name;
GILGAMESH 

The aim of the game is to get all your cards out. (Thus giving you the title GILGAMESH) .

There can be 3-6 players, and it is played with everything but the jokers.
  1 deck is fine for 3 players , a bit tight for 4 players , and 2 decks is needed for anything higher.
2 decks is actually pretty good for 3-4 players as well.

SET UP:

Each player starts with a hand of 5 and 6 cards in front of them , with the remaining cards in a central deck.

The cards in front of the player are arranged with 3 cards face down and 3 cards face up , with the face up cards on top of the face down cards.

 Play starts from the left of the dealer.
This player chooses a card, or set of matched cards,  from their hand and places them in the centre (the "pile")

They then refill their hand.

Play goes to their left.

THE GUTS OF IT

Play then consists of a player playing a legal card on the card/s pile and then refilling their hand if its less than 5. If they can't play a legal card they must instead pick up the pile and add it to their hand.

A legal play is playing any card equal or higher to the card on top of the pile.

Once the deck is gone, and players can no longer refill their hands , any player with no cards in their hand will use the cards face up in front of them, and when those are gone, .he face down cards.
The face down cards are played "blind", which might result in a illegal play, thus picking up the pile.
Once all their face down cards are played , they are out of the game.
First to do so is GILGAMESH , last is BEAST BOY or if you can pronounced it ENKIDU.

SPECIAL CARD EFFECTS:

2 s can be played on any card and can have any card played on them.

5s can be played on any card ; however immediate next player card/s played on it must be legal for being placed on the card before the 5.
Additionally any other effects that previous card might have must still be considered

7s can be played on 6 or lower.  Any card played on a 7 must be either a 7 or lower than a 7.

10s can be played on anything except a 7.  A 10 will "burn" the pile, discarding it from play. Burning has additional special rules , see the BURNING section

4(or more) of a kind : burns the pile.  A 4 of kind does not need to be from a single players turn. The set just needs to be uninterrupted by other cards (other than 5s)

For example player A plays two 6s. Player B then plays two 6s. This is now a 4 of a kind.


BURNING:

A player who burns a pile , then refills their hand , and then can swap one card in their hand with one of the face up cards in front of them. They then play again, starting a new pile.

ADDITIONALS:

>When a player refills their hand and draws a card that matches the card they just played , they may immediately play it.

>Once the deck is empty and a player is playing the last card/s in their hand, they can include any of their face up cards if would make 2 (or more ) of a kind by matching the card played from their hand.

>5s don't prevent a 4+ of kind from forming. So a pair , a 5 , and then a pair of the same rank , is treated as 4 of a kind.

>if a player can play a card they must do so , they can't choose to pick up. However this has not yet come up that someone might want to do this , and it's possible a good choice in some situations. So you are welcome to allow it, we just haven't tested this out at all.

>the player that is BEAST BOY deals.  Sometimes we make them also be responsible for keeping the Burned pile tidy. Neither is that thematically appropriate though

CLOSING NOTES:
The bit I added and we are now playing with is the bit about being able to swap a card after you burn the pile. In the original game players could freely swap from their hand to their top cards immediately after the cards were dealt but before the first card had been played.
This addition gives the early game a lot more considerations than just trying to avoid picking up lots of cards. I think I'm a fucking genius for thinking of it and its possible that I've been pre-scooped and this version exists already.

Teaching a dog to flick the lightswitch on and off is of little benefit to one's peace of mind

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 /
UnClass:

Fighter is a Seldom Prophet
Rogue is a Santa
Wizard is a Labourer
The Cleric a Disillusionist 

WHO ARE THESE FELLOWS:

THE BAT LIKE PROFESSORS 

They Meet On Meat , And Discuss Every Matter.
Oh what you can learn from them! If you can entangle actual fact from the dense sophistic arguments they frame it in

JUDAS BIRDS

They Steal and Conceal, only to have something to betray each other for.
They might just betray who they betray to before they find the spoils.

THE MENFOLK KEEP FUCKING A TREE
it's not even a sexy tree spirit tree.
Ants are the reason

THE EMPEROR DEMANDS HIS FLESHWORKERS AND WOMBWITCHS MAKE HIM A DRAGON ARMY

No-one is good at their job

Some even suspect it's become a competition to be the Worst

A crestfallen Journeyman approaches you  , having spend a wish on a  perfect horse, he now offers to sell it you.

THE HUBRIS OF THE EASTER MAN! HE HAS CHALLENGED THE SKY AND CAST DOWN! WHAT BECOMES OF US?

One of the backer options in this is to get a version with just Scrap Princess art:

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1594988817/neoclassical-geek-revival

////
FANTASIA DYSTOPIAS
1.What if Children but Too Much?
2.What if Domestication but Too Much?
3.What if Holes but Too Much?
4.What if Puppet Show but Too Much?
5.What if Writing Things Down but Too Much?
6.What if Tombs but Too Much?
7.What if Dying but Too Little?
8.What if Air but Too Little?
9.What if Bones But One Set Per Family?
10.What if Trains?
///




WAR ENGINES:

A Giant Brass Head, It is a Vast  Kettle That Lips Part and Kill With Steam




A Zorb ball but Perforated allowing the  elite spear men inside to stab and punt it around.


A Walking Wickerman Siege Tower but with bees hives inside, the densely attired troops concealed in the head


The Sickening Ultra Bell

Anomaly

Print PDF  It is been awhile!

My brain seems to have all its "write rpg material" being sucked limp by trying to finish those planescape notes that I said I was done with but now have an editor for .

the landscape art is being done with collage . Everyone loves collage.

I found this written down while I was cleaning up my room , it's reality problems and rotten incomprehensible technology .
I just wrote down the best ones (10 of about 40) and now are adding some more



1. Dark sickly red fluid , when it contacts rock or bone it makes it bubble, froth and melt. It acts like this for 30 seconds, longer/shorter if the temperature is low/high (respectively)

2.A liquid mirror that staring into it will random swap your skills with some alternate version with you.

3.Contagious glow that slows down fire and explosions to a trickle

4.A crystal that's a big mess of spikes that if it stabs a limb , the limb develops its own personality

5. A leech twisted into an endless writhing know. If place on dead flesh , it will animate and make it repeat its last 5 minutes of life until it completely falls apart

6.Gleaming dust that rigidifies a soft material until its hard as steel. Applied to skin it will just harden the skin which will make it eventually rip off the body as the skin and tissue underneath and around it loses its hold

7. Drifting fog which crystallizes into razor sharp , gravity defying shards sporadically

8. A bouncy orb that doubles in bounce height each time. After d20 bounces it blows up with lethal force

9. A black rock that pulses every 10 second with a deep , bone shuddering,  bass note. Each bass note will trigger an ancestral memory

10. Stack of glass discs, grinding on top of each , make horrible noises. Stuff keeps coming alive around it, spontaneous generation style

11. A stain in the air , like a film strip about to burn. Starting at it for a minute will cause a permanent blind spot in the vision of the starer. They however can reach into this blindspot as if it was a portable hole , with a opening of 30 centimetres.
 Anything living placed in this"hole" will disappear, more or less forever. If something living is not placed in the hole each day, a centimeter hole will appear on the inflicted. If it keeps not being fed , it will continue to grow ,doubling in size each day.
The hole will not cause blood loss or expose the internal flesh to infection , but will limit function as a hole in the body normally would.

12. A black pole, seemingly like coal or slow burned wood, stretched up from its metre base to hair thin over a 100 metres. Nothing can die in its shadow.

13.  A simple brass like hoop, warm to the touch , indestructible and fixed in space.

14. Pulsing mass of needles. If a vertebrate touches them they dive under the skin and proceed to convert them into a invertebrate, chasing and flattening out the bones into plates and sewing the muscles into the necessary ties to move them. It's more than a little painful.

15. A glass ball. Touching either it removes the ability to feel pain for an hour or discharges all the pain that would of been felt by the last toucher into them.

16. A mass of organs turned into something like a circuit board. It removes and stores hunger into salt tubes.

17. A field of white grass, rustling to unknown winds. Each blade of grass ranges from a metre to 3 metres in height. Walking through the field will cause 1d4 duplicates of the walker to appear somewhere in the world. Their personalities will be each different weird exaggerated versions  of aspects of the walkers and each has a 10% chance of wanting to ruin and consume the original. The duplicates all know the exact location of the original at all times.
This effect doens't trigger more than once an hour.

18. A knife with a rainbow blade. The blade is harmless and as solid as an actual rainbow. However anything it "cuts" though will have a mirage appear of them repeating their next minute of actions an hour after they were cut with the blade. The mirage appears 376 centimetres in front of the current location of the swinger of the blade and corresponding to their line of vision.
If the knife's handle is covered with the users blood the mirage will be real for all purposes , for that minute. This will then age the user by 10% of their natural life span.

19. A square of some kind of flexible metal. Its single colour slowly shifts through the visual light spectrum, over the course of a day. Anything wrapped in it will have objects of that colour effectively not exist for it.
Results vary on how much a colour has to match the current colour for it to be effective.  An art programs "fill selected colour " option could be your arbiter here.

20. A small moon that orbits whoever is alive and oldest within 10 metres. It produces moonlight as if an actual moon ("produce" = reflected sunlight if you run that kind of campaign), that does all the things that moonlight usually does to certain magics and magical beings.
Unfortunately anything that happens to this moon, also happens to the actual moon.

Rey and Patrick Argued About Crystals

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EDIT: Added some ""on brand""  ""content""

and Lo! it happened
https://soundcloud.com/kiel-chenier/the-great-crystal-debate-of-2018

take aways from this:

> Rey is relentlessly agreeable

>Rey is also a relentlessly weeaboo. At one point he tries to think of a sword type other than katana. He does not succeed. To be fair Rey did say scimitar first and spends a couple of seconds wrestling with his weebness before submitting and saying katana. He manages to name drop only one obscure anime however.

>Rey says "To Be Fair" dozens of times and it's now in my vocabulary now  : /

>I get called the queen of fungus or suchlike and was confounded by such a charge and then there's a direct quote from me justifying that so : /

>I once ate a bunch of more-or-less identified boletes that were kind of old and got real nauseous just before a plane ride and was faced with the possibility of mad shitting myself on said plane but made myself throw up and it was fine

>don't eat "more or less" identified wild mushrooms. This is fucking stupid and I've at least twice made myself unwell by doing it because I don't fucking learn.

>like I was 100% sure that they weren't the "can kill with just a bite" types. So like I'm an idiot but not a fucking idiot.

>where was I? Oh good points made on both sides (Patrick makes much more good points though)
but numerous concepts and angles of g.m-ing and setting building are covered briskly and interestingly

>Thanks Kiel Chenier for organizing and recording this! You will be interned most honourably with the rest of the God-Kings prize trinkets


also too busy writing usable game content to write any usable game content to bookend this post so :/
 The main takeaway from the debate/sound thrashing of a weeb is that you make something banal and trite good by having it bleed when you cut it

which , to be fair , I think I got from one of Rey's arguements

unless it already bleeds then nah/

Also here is table of things to use instead of crystals or baked goods that are easily understood and visual familiar  (fungus already mentioned in debate)

1. Animal skulls, esp the weird ones like moles, and the human but not , i.e monkeys

"elves cough me up"

 2. homunculus
either the cortical one or the medival one

3. Preserved parts of Saints
4. Bandages stained with the blood of martyrs

5. Oversized Teeth; both animal and human
6. Beetles and other numerous and distinctive bugs
7.Horns
8.Murmuring mouths 
9. Grails
10. Minarets

Another Gristly Campaign Skeleton

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CHOO CHOO MOTHERFUCKERS 

busy with a bunch of stuff but here's some quick content using this again 

making another world for campaign use or just somewhere for the players to pass through on their way to some where nicer.

I get some numbers and get these results:

Foundation Of Economy Is: 

Gelatine

Threat that shapes everyone's lives

ongoing Colonisation by distinctly advantaged Others

Significant Historical Event Which Shaped Quite A Bit I Can Tell You

Doomsday happened but it was mild

Immediately Noticeable

Big Chucks of Death things lying around

Underlying Thing:

Nude Survival

Apex Predator:

Starhound

Main Adventure Locale:

 Ice/bone/wart/timebergs

Well, okay so let's say a big otherworldship landed. Some kind of explorational drone of goliath size. The Wormwood Star.

It moved on, but a bunch of new lifeforms dropped off it.

One of them was like a fungus , in that it will pull useful structural material from its host to make more of itself. 

And it was really really good at it.  

Soon it  converted everything on the planet without an active immune system into itself. 

Leather, dead wood, stone, metal, bone; all these break down in weeks now , becoming more of this "crust-blight"

The landscape is now fine dust deserts , chitin towers , and ossification mountains .

The range  of plants that can grow on this is limited.

Some of the "crust-blight" can be boiled down to make a gelatine like material, used as gruel, or hardened into rubber like material.

It's a big dark-sun doom world but everyone is wearing pvc instead of leather and shells in other words.

The cities that resisted the crustblight the longest got fucking weird from the increasingly desperate sorcerous, alchemy and bloodwork responses to the blight.

Buildings fusing and pulsating with veins in attempt to make them alive enough to fight the crustblight. 

This is your adventure locale, a 3 dimension tetragenic architectural cancer, with the surviving materials of the pre-blight age and the unstable prototypes of living-materials ; veined swords, skin-bricks,  breathing cloaks, tooth-steel.

The biggest worse thing is the "star-hounds" , maybe some kind of mite that fell off the Wormwood Star. 

What makes them realy bad is they are capable of incorporating living elements into their bodies.

They start small and numerous in the cities, but in their final life stages , their now massive forms stagger through the dust dunes to some kind of as yet unfound star-hound graveyard/spawning sea. Despite being the dominant predator , the star-hounds give the impression of being pained and maddened by their life here.

 Zdzislaw Beksinski all the way baby

The Cities

NuTree

Star-Hound

Life In The Cities

The City

Obvious influences and further resources for this is Dark-sun, the Alien franchise, Kingdom death, Wayne Barlow's inferno series, Return To Oz ,and the extensively referenced on this blog :Lebbeus woods

That first photo is from here, the rest of the images are painting by Zdzislaw Beksinski and from numerous content aggregation sites 

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/05/130530152858.htm

Give Me A Myconid And I Will Create A Substandard Version of That Joesph Manola Post About Snakemen

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I GOT THIS PICTURE FROM HERE: IT V.GOOD



This seems like a bad idea already.
This is the post it's riffing on : (。ヘ°)
Except I'm doing it with Myconid

Postulate 1 : Fungus breaks down things
Postulate 2: Fungus can utilize elements from things its breaking down in its growth processes
Postulate 3: Intelligence is among the many elements that can utilized like that
Postulate 4: Myconids got their intelligence this way
Postulate 5: They got this from eating god
Postulate 6: God was everywhere and everything but is increasingly lobotomized by Myconids being smart
Postulate 7: Fungus can utilize elements from one organism  it has already successfully infected in its infection process on another organism

Given these 7 Postulates I will now explain the monster manual!!

ALTHOUGH
I don't really know what postulates are and think I'm going to need a lot more to make this work so lets abandon this pretense now

What I'm saying is the world was full of animals and perfectly ecosystems and god was spread even through its creation but then as fungus broke down matter it eroded the god and become intelligent.
As it spread through out everything it drags various traits from one organism to another.
Its eventual goal is total entropy , an ungodhead nirvana.
Intelligence creates complexity and complexity is an even better way of creating entropy.


Dwarves: Moles + Rocks +  Generic Biped
Elves: Squirrels + Generic Biped + Snakes
Halflings:   Prairie dogs + Generic Biped
Gnomes, Pixies, Quicklings, Leprechauns, and all those others small annoying fairies: 
Insects+ Biped+Single Emotion
Orcs: Pigs + Biped + Hippopotamus/Aggression
Goblins: Bats+ Biped
Hobgoblins/Bugbears: Goblins + ants
Humans: Generic Biped + Termites
Lizard Men:Isopods + Biped
 Kobolds:  Bedbugs  + Biped
Giants: Humans+ Whales
Ogres: Humans + Elephant Seas
Ogre Magi and Hags: Cruelety + Biped
Dragons: Just Grabbing Anything That Murders And Sticking It Together
Trolls:  Remain Spark of Divine Currently Undersiege by Any Negative Physical Trait The Fungus Can find
Demons, Devils, etc:  Insects + Dreams +Appetites of Elements
Dryads: Flower Spider +  Biped
Nymphs: Desire +  Chameleon + Biped
Minotaurs:  Fungus rerouting through next generation bring monstrous traits to the child. The bull form of Minotaur is the most well know one

Mermen and Aquatic Elves: Stingrays + Bipeds
Sahuagin:  As Above but with Teeth Everywhere
Chimeras, Manticores, Harpies, and other apparently pointless 'crossbreed' creatures:  Fungal grab backs trying to  encourage concentrated population and militarism and elevation of violent ideals
Slimes, oozes, gibbering mouthers, etc: liquid + hunger
Ilithids:  Squid + Flatworm + Biped. The brain eating is some kind of parasite cycle involving introspection
Beholders: Just a bunch of eyes from everywhere + concepts such as Destroy , Control , Hurt 
Ghouls: Biped + Saxon/burying Beetle
Yuan-Ti: Actually Avantgrade Herpes
All those giant animals all over the place: animal + localized physics erosion

main take aways:
-Things look like things but don't let the names fool you. Lizardmen are actually more like isopods if you look at them closely
-The nature of reality is made up of elements like hunger, wet, pride etc. Any non-compound noun is probably an element because we can't think further than god.
- Civilization or anything else seen as "progress" is just a fungal conspiracy to speed up entropy
-Everyone and everything contains fungus , your desires fears and dreams are all placed there by fungus to speed up entropy
-the troll is the closest thing to god

Appendix:
 I should of used more of the "animal is an incarnation of pride, lust etc" common to medical allegorys so if you wanna use this you should mine from that
http://bestiary.ca/intro.htm

The TImeline Is Your Dungeon Map

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source below

Instead of werewolves people turning in giant hands that crush people into goo


A baker announces he never leaves out the customary loaves for the good-folk  in a tavern, and is warned by crotchety old woman about the cuuurse-> a hand climbs down his throat in the night, send by woman->the following nights a human sized hand climbs out of his mouth taking all his mass and leaving a bag of skin>on the first night they murder a dog->the second night a child -> the 3rd night a man -> the 4th night a horse -> the 5th night they trigger an avalanche killing a pilgrimage-> then the baker finally confesses and is executed and the killings stop  .

Actually the Women wanted to kill the pilgrimage all along , as she is in process of usurping the pilgrimage site to the old ways, but wanted to deflect attention.

If the baker is stopped or found early , she will find someone else that is has plausible pissed off old powers and send a hand after them to put the curse on them.  She has only 3 hands (2 after the baker)

If the pilgrimage makes it the site she will murder them there, and try and plant the blame on outsiders .





Giant hand photo from here

Traps

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This was prompt for a paragraph response blog post.

Actually it's 2, I'm conjoining them 

"Gross dungeon traps and how to utilize them purposefully."

"traps. why are they there? what are they for? who built them? how do you make them seem like an organic part of the setting and not just something the dm put in to annoy you?"

Firstly making traps "realistic/genre appropriate " is good as it adds predictability to them. 

and predictability in the sense of when something goes wrong for the p.cs , the players feel it's their fault.

Then there's the weird spectator  of "fairness".

The unstated working definition of fairness is often** "it appropriately tests what I enjoying getting better at doing"

(yeah "appropriate" is bit much wiggle room here, but there's no room to sum up difficulty curves here)   

So for traps to be fair, they need to be testing the ability of players to think and understand the environment they are in and solutions they come up with.

If they are somewhere , it needs to make sense in setting. How they work should have enough interactive parts to further predict , tamper, or disable them.

The how-they-work bit can be tricky as a lot of genre appropriate traps are absurd, i.e Indy Jones style magically-working , never-needing-maintenance,auto-resetting traps.

But as long there's enough work parts to them to tamper with , players are generally along for the ride.

Example :poison dart traps will have a supply of darts and a trigger but you can prob get away with 

not worrying about how the poison stays fresh and where all the cogs and springs are.

Magic can used to handwave exact details away, sure, but make sure there's enough working parts to it so it can be tampered and predicted. 

Opening a room to a lightning bolt that comes out of no-where and automatically targets the players and nothing else is bad. Having a pressure plate (classic) , or some secret sign worn by the occupants that avoids triggering , is better.

FURTHER THOUGHTS THAT I JUST WANT TO FIRE OFF AS A LIST AND NOT TRY AND DELIVER IN A STRUCTURED SHORT FORM ESSAY FORM:

-Traps can be used to put in alternative entrances to somewhere. The one that the occupants use can have more guards , the rest have a trap , which is at very least a noise or smell maker.

-Some traps aren't designed to be reset. The old caving-in tomb is one.

-Traps can designed so they selective target people, in really simple ways.
A rope with hooks at throat height (for humans ) is very easy to make and small goblins can use harassing fire before fleeing down a corridor just strung.
The tiger pit trap that collapses when something heavier than you walks across it.
Methane pockets against torch users

-If you got higher ground and someone willing to wait around then anything heavy becomes a trap.

- A shallow hole with a shit covered sharp stick is another classic. Best used if the target is otherwise distracted .



THE TRAP FILLED DUNGEON GENRE:

Then there's this genre convention of traps everywhere that no-one seems to maintain or reset,   directly benefits from and living beings wander near by etc.
Which can be explain as the dungeon is actually hates you .

(A idea I was trying to trace back , and Scott Martin mentioned this http://www.grey-elf.com/philotomy.pdf , specifically page 22, in which the weird door rules of early d&d are explained as the metalife of the dungeon acting against you)

 There's a bunch of stuff written now all over the blogosphere about dungeons growing ,actual grow in forgotten areas, creating treasure and monsters inside themselves to lure people in , not being completely lethal so people come out with treasure often enough that people here about it etc, possible gold is evil and tends to get locked up in basements and then hatches in a dungeon etc.

So yes, traps could be another way of a dungeon feeding on people

OR

If a dungeon is a lifeform , and all life forms have parasites then traps could be parasite organisms inside the dungeon.

The pit-trap has spikes which tunnel like tooth bores and secrets digestive acid, but underneath the stoney shell it's killable flesh

Inside the wall shooting poison darts at you is a spine spitting sac , with tendrils that lead down under the floor, little feathery tongues come out and lap away at the paralyzed


Swinging blades that when cut , thrash like gaffed fish on the stone.

*or 
**also "inappropriately advantages some people above others" 

THe Remaains of the Joke

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Here is the rest of them. WHAT? see here and here and here and here
It's looking at the monsters and making up a reverse of them and occasionally it's great.
It's so good it's nearly distracting Arnold from his dutch smiting.

THE ORIGIN STORY OF ARNOLD K
(he's both the merman and then hubris of the dutch)


Dwarf 
Grobby: A funny little guy that pops out from a hole in ground and offers to craft a single mundane object for modest price . The object is actually a cluster of eggs that hatch in 6 months into something like a rotary drill bit mole-rat. If confronted about this fact a Grobby is upfront about yes , that's going to happen , would you like a discount? 
After hatching these attempt to drill into back into the earth , spiralling through any intervening structures (though they get disoriented if up more than a story and can do a lot of damage before they work out where down is. The eventually adult form of these looks something like a massive starnose mole, with the very tip of its nose forming the "funny little guy"

Eagle, giant 
Wig vulture:
Why would anyone want massive wig with vultures living on top of it , constantly chewing on bones? Because one does not want to appear to be an oik

Ear seeker:
Sneeze ghost :
You know how when you sneeze , people try and cast spells on you , supposedly  for your own good?
That's because a small crap version of you made of snot can escape and they are trying to stop it escaping or possibly capture it. The point is you don't want a snot-you blabbing confused versions of your secrets to someone, so always check your hanky after sneezing for one, and if necessary grab that struggling mucus boy and force him back in

Eel 
-Mossyguy
It's a little cute pangolin with moss growing on it that has little naps. There's a lot of these to do that are animals and it's gonna be pangolins

Efreet 
-Snowball
it's a little snow guy that shows up to help you when your are lost in the snow. It's basically useless though but boy does it mean well

Elemental 
,well I did these?  I think they might of corresponded to the 5 stages of grief?  Oh and these okay one more Dismantal : elementals from stuff that doesn't exist.
Not even plausible stuff like glass, these are KnifeFoam (like pumice but polymorphous and sharp) , Bugparts (bugparts) ,  Grot (stains that possess everything) Pissance (Like Rotten Cloth and dog noses) moving on

Elephant : 
I'm remembering this shitty kids joke about why are elephants big, grey and wrinkly ? Well if they were small, white and smooth they would be an asprin . No , the opposite of an elephant is a Flea-Knight , it's a little flea dude the size of a raisin that has the strength and durability of a regular knight, but as it's concentrated down it can kinda jump through your head

Elf 
I feel like it's Shameful beast from the Ramanan-Sivaranjan-Awards-for-Excellence-in-Gaming winning book Fire on the Velvet Horizon now available in hardcover

Ettin 
Hecatoncheires

Eye of the deep 
Mouth of the sky
a jelly bag splitting open into a hooked mouth, the mouth opening and opening into a peeling back over itself to reveal the same grinning bag form. Hypnotic to watch. Sometimes planar wars dump strange machines and dying beasts out of the sky, and there's only so much time before Mouth of the sky come and eat it to nothing. Maybe a defense system of a plane, a clean up crew of another plane, or dominate scavenger roused only for these "whalefalls" 

Flightless bird 
Cloud lice
it's like a louse but cute (and the size of a dog) Clouds have them and sudden weather changes can strand them on land. They are intelligent and resourceful and will set about making some connivance or contraption to get them into the sky."You help is very much appreciated good sir, I just need 12 metres of cow tendon more , I can repair you once I'm home, you see I fell out of the cloud without my purse"

Frog, giant 
Pademelon :
look your players won't know what this is, just use one.

Fungi, violet, + some other fungi slimes etc
Crystal Grot:
Various types of crystals that grow on you like fungus, pulling emotions out of you to form themselves.

Gargoyle 

Freckle swarm. They live on you like fish swimmin aroun

Gar, giant 
Raggling, a rotten cloth cat. Adorable , but smelly. Bad at basically everything

Gas spore 
Spike snake
It looks like a deadly spike but it's a harmless snake holding itself straight. Except for its poisonous bite , that it's trying to save for bats.

Gelatinous cube 
Chainchomp
a bitey ball on a chain that you can use like a dog or a flail

Ghast 

Parasitic skin cream

it's good for you , except it wants you to eat babys

Ghost 

arsehole future baby
a floating psychic baby that claims it's descended from you and needs you to do stuff but not other stuff. Prob lying.

Ghoul 

Boneflower
Hermit crabs that use bones as shells and clinging together in flower shapes for inscrutable purposes 

Giant

lilliputians
you know, those guys

Gnoll

Flower people
They are flowers but walking around being pretty vague. You could reskin myconid even. That sounds pretty excited huh?

Gnome

Needley dee
A skinny little traveling tailor waspy person that can sew things together or shut to defend itself.

Goat, giant 

Spring loaded pocket goat

Goblin

talking hats

Golem 

people that have been shaped into furniture or tools and are still alive and feeling bad about it I imagine

Gorgon 

Oasis Giraffe of Kindness
A gentle giraffe cactus that creates oasises will it selps

Gray ooze 
Quartz Speckle

sucks out despair ! you become foolishless happy while all these crystals burst from your flesh

Green slime 

Ruby Jagger
sucks out peace! Red spiked fury man

Griffon 

2 legged walking horse

Groaning spirit (Banshee)

The Good Boy
The best dog that everyone is happy to see

Halfling 

Joyless Grey Man
A horrid little hair-eater, like a corpse made of lint with disappointing raisins for eyes.

Harpy

Canarywife
it's a happy little bird that shows up in your life and helps you get your shit together. Like personal trainer but an abusive magical bird 

Hell hound

Joy-pig
this is lucky pig

Herd animal 

Questing BEast
Legendary animals that there are just one of and sometimes are responsible for everything being bad and sometimes responsible for everything being good. Hearts often associated with cures.

Hippocampus

Puffer fish protective helmet

Hippogriff

A centipede made of guns

Hippopotamus

Skinless ghoul otter

  

Hobgoblin

Living Bubble

Homunculus 

Dreamegg
it's an egg that will hatch something you dreamed about, but you are never sure which aspect of your dream is gonna hatch

Horse 

Barrier Beast:
a giant bear that sleeps alot and blocks roads

Hydra 

Running Snake:
fast and powerful

Hyena/jackal

Stitcher bird builds nests on people

Imp  

Jiminy cricket , or a disappointment giant

Intellect devourer 

superfist! s u p e r f i s t

Invisible stalker  

Neon-eye-destroyer
something  so bright it can burn your eyes clean out of head baby

Irish deer  

Small palm tree man

Ixitxachitl

Mayan Hypno Spines/crystal skulls encouraging head planking

Jackalwere 

someone made of birds like a scarecrow but birds

Big Cat Jaguar:

Super Python 

Ki-rin /Lammasu

Mouse deer with weird granny face that smokes and visits places and every one has to be polite and she asks after everyone's family

Kobold 

Ceiling-Geist; A weird stain being that watches you

Lamia  

Someone with a mouth under their hair

Lamprey

Hair cleaning birds

Larva see demon/devil

Leech, giant 

A feather than sticks itself in you and you think everything you can do is because of the feather

Leprechaun

Agnes the ruiner. Like very old apple in hobnail boots and loves arson

Leucrotta

A peacock mink

Lich  what if Lichs and lions swapped appearances? 

Lizard 

Weird giraffe monkey

Lizard man

skinling wart people

Locathah 

Catfish carpenters

Lurker above 

Diversion, like a generic goblinish koboldish impish thing that shows up and draws attention to itself at the worst possible time

Lycanthrope 

Animal that remembers its past life occasuinally

Lynx giant

parrot dog

Mammoth/mastadon

micro mammoth

Manticore 

mother goose

Masher

sky jellyfish

Medusa  

feel like we kinda did these in velvet horizon, but a lizard made of hands that gives you super bad Pareidolia

Men 

rumour people
everyone almost knows them!

Merman 

people crudely remade to be able to live underwater. 

Mimic 

Cimim
it's a mimic but it always makes itself look like the most of out of place thing it can think of , like a wheel of cheese in ancient tomb or a rotting puppy in a libary

Mind flayer 

The opposite of a mind-flayer is basically every towering nuggety bastard from Fist of The North Star

Minotaur 

Brindle-Fly

Morkoth 

the reason there is so many redundant underwater monsters is most of them are so boring the original creators kept forgotting what had been made already and made something new

Feng-Shui Pangolin

Mule

A balloon

Mummy 

a baby in some kinda weird fucked up womb amber and do you wanna smash it or see what is being done to it?

Naga

See hydra or boa-boys out of Fire on The Velvet Horizon 

Neo-otyugh/ otyugh

Flower-brute

like a shambling mound but with flowers grow on it. Like a garden that can beat you into mulch.

Nightmare

Gorilla O' dreams
it's a Gorilla that can travel in peoples dreams there is so many entrys

Nixie 

Truth-coming-out-of-her-well-to-shame-mankind
but can be any well buddy. Put on the city events tables.

Nymph 

Sheer 
body horror monster that messes with what turns you on. Like it repulse you with it's messed up body but then later you think it's kinda hot and then later nothing else is attractive anymore

Octopus, giant

Tiny star squid

Ogre

Brittleman/Brittleman lanterner
Like tall bone lattice giants, that only defence is the glass shards that they break into when struck. Lonely pilgrims wandering the roads at night , searching for missing stars in the sky . The lanterns have magic lanterns and know prophecies but are loathe to tell people them

Otter, giant
A regular otter than lives in the sewer and occasionally disembowels people via their anus

Owl, giant

this thing

Owlbear

A skinny bear covered in fly wings

Pegasus 

Feet pigs
They have human feet

Peryton

Perching stag women

Piercer 

Balldestroyer , bouncing boulder

Pike, giant

pipe fish

Pixie  

Really loud frogs

Porcupine

Dog that can squeeze under things

Portuguese man-o-war, giant 

Tree horse

Pseudo-dragon 

Ape-wizard

Purple worm

Scribber-pede
It can draw with its legs and make its drawings come to life 

Quasit see imp

Rakshasa

A socrates

Ram, giant 

sheep that are actually just wool

Rat, giant (Sumatran) 

Mouse musician

Ray

barnacle

Remorhaz 

why did these do so much damage?

snow crab

Rhinoceros  

sumobeast

Roc 

bird eating elephant

Roper 

grease tree

Rot grub 

tomato sauce

Rust monster 

Shiner-Snail/cleaner slug:
it eats rust and slowly moves along rusty things cleaning them

Sahuagin   

Eyeless albion cave dolphin

Salamander 

gnome , creepy .Like inner earth aliens

Satyr 

A goat librarian

Scorpion, giant 

Pseudoscorpion, jewellery

Sea hag

Desert stone smith

Sea horse

but can fly

Sea lion   

fuck these things, shark horse

Shadow 

Light ghost, those phospense

Shambling mound 

Bone garden

Shark

Spam

Shedu see lammusu

Shrieker 

recording crystal water

Skeleton  

bile boy
like a jelly baby made of bile

Skunk, giant

Perfumer
a butterfly but magic and evil , i'm getting over this

Slug, giant 

salt-king

Snake, giant 

see walking snake

Spectre

Vector:
a meat shadow that makes you so health you freak out and start seeing through this mortal realm and burn people your eye lasers

Sphinx

Giraffe

Spider 

beaver

Sprite

see pixie

Squid, giant )  

see octopus

Stag see herd animal

Stirge   

blood blimp

Strangle weed 

symbotic flower

Su-monster   

Us-monster

Sylph 

see  Nymph 

Thought eater 

earworm, factchecker, rememoryer

Tick, giant

gas bag

Titan

village god

Titanothere 

the same but cute and small

Toad, giant  see frog

Trapper see lurker

Treantman: 

living streets

Triton the most redundanet monster entry is having 2 other good/neutral races other than mermaids in the book. underwater races are not something you will use a lot of, goodish vague-as races that don't do shit you won't need, and here's boring fish people and boring aquamen. Mermaids you can get murderious, or horrible or more or less fish like and its the best

the opposite of these is a Murderer

Troglodyte

Extrovert 

Troll

The crumbing sage

Turtle, giant 

miniture castle turtle

Umber hulk 

Azure-Flit

Unicorn

Black Phillip

Vampire

Aide

Wasp, giant

Brain bee

Water weird 

a dust storm that follows you round and makes statues of you

Weasel, giant 

wall badger

Whale

sky ribbon

Wight 

see spectre

Wind walker 

Dirt Bird

Wolf 

Dog

Wolverine 

Bumble bee

Wraith

see spectre

Wyvern 

Zilent

Xorn 

Gold Bug

Yeti 

Organ grinder and monkey, both the grinder and the organ are machines

Zombie

Sleeper
people of civilisations that don't exist that are sleeping forever unless you wake them, then they get all confused and sad and possibly try and take over the world

"MAYBE IF YOU DIDN'T LIVE BELOW SEA LEVEL YOU WOULDN'T NEED WOODEN SHOES HAAHAHAHA I'M ARNOLD , ALSO YOU LIVE IN WINDMILLS "